Choices about food...

This is a little different to my usual blog, but I hope its still interesting, and it is linked to disability...


5 weeks or so ago I ate whatever and whenever I liked. I knew, and accepted that I was overweight, but didnt really know what to do about it, or even if I wanted to, after all there was no harm in it right? I thought I was doing alright and that it was a choice that I was making to not really worry too much about food, or my lifestyle. That the reasons lay completely with me and the choices I made.

And then, I joined up to this slimming group, and it shocked me, and continues to shock me how hard it actually is to choose to eat healthy food, both indoors and especially when I am out. I have now got some control over what I eat and the choices I make, but it is really hard to do so.

Take for example mc donalds. I can still go in there, but am restricted to either a chicken nugget happy meal and diet drink (but then I have to be careful what I eat the rest of the day) or a salad, which is still not perfect. Its the same everywhere, even down to places like a sushi bar that tend to cook their stuff in the deep fat fryer. Sandwich shops that use mayo and butter etc etc.

Isn't it scary when even a kids meal from a fast food outlet is too high in bad stuff for a proper balanced diet? And its not like its hard to be healthy when I'm doing it myself. I can still have burgers and chips (cooked with cooking spray that is) and lasagne and pizza and even chocolate (little bits of that though :) There are alternatives to everything unhealthy, which makes them really healthy.

So, what is it then? If I can't go into town without having a meal in my bag ready prepared to keep myself from eating junk, then surely it can't be totally my fault as to how I used to eat so badly?

All this questioning and searching reminded me of something else that I know a lot about. The social model of disability. Basically stating that it is society disables us and that disability can be significantly reduced by adapting and changing the environment etc. All of a sudden the problem (and the solution) didn't actually come from disabled people themselves, but from wider societies deficit and inability to intergrate and include everyone.

So, relating the social model of disability to the bad food choices that are on offer in a typical town, then surely it isn't actually the people themselves but the environment and societies expectations and structures that are at fault? If Mcdonalds started providing healthy alternatives to their menu, or changed their cooking styles to reflect the need to be healthy then would things start to change?

People will still have the ability to make bad food choices, but by providing good food choices then it no longer becomes a restricted environment for healthy eaters. If the social model of disability has encouraged a change in societies attitudes to disabled people, then surely thinking about obesity in the same context would also encourage a shift in attitudes towards food and lifestyle?

yesterday.

 Yesterday was a bad day all round.

I posted a few times and just want to copy my messages over to my own blog to keep a record of it all in one place...



I have just been to the GP, who has upset me greatly. he has referred me to neuro, but reckons its pseudo seizures, which basically means hes not taking it seriously, because he cant even misdiagnose me properly. its called dissociative seizures ffs.

reckons itl take a few weeks. until then?

nothing.

nada.

zero.

 Today, which has truely been horrendous I have hardly fitted, but more dissociated and only had a fit tonight after no periods of high stress.

Ironically, the doctor seems to have reffered me to the right place, so thats a small bonus. But to be constantly told I am somehow faking it, or its not really epilepsy is gridning me down.

but today I have been out for an hour, probably further than I should have and had a pretty good day so far.

My normal bloging style will resume shortly, at the moment im just using this to let it all out.

the black hole

i am sorry if this is a bit rambly but im currently lying down and typing on fingered as im recovering from yet another one of those horrible nasty fits.


i was having thoughts about that black hole time between initial symptoms, diagnosis and eventual treatment.

For my mental health problems, I had my first symptons at 16, diagnosed at 21 and eventually got treatment age 26. All through this time I was in constant ned of police, ambulance, hospital, benefits, people support etc. My impairment didn't stay in a nice comfy stasis waiting for this treatment, but went to the extreme end of bad, meaning that the first year of my treatment was spent undoing all the bad things that have happened since first symptoms.

and then, moving on to my current situation. If you look at my last 2 posts I have been fitting since the sunday before last. The toll this is taking on my body as well as my mental health is immense. I know that I am also trying to eat better, but a loss of 5 pounds in one week is a bit extreme and can only be put down to the fitting. From what little there is on the internet (ie a sentence) a one minute fit can be the equilant of a days exercise. I am having at least 3 of these, sometimes lasting 5 minutes.

Unfortunately, on discharge the hospital didn't refer me to neurology as promised. They have just sent a letter to the GP to do it themselves. Unfortunately, they wont refer me until they have spoken to me. Unfortunately I have had to go 3 counties away because I realisticly cant be left on my own and this is the closest 24/7 support I can get. Travelling back to home is really hard because I am so exhausted and its quite a way away, plus as I am a stubborn wotsit I dont like relying on other people, and even being looked after is a bit horrible for me.

I feel like I'm in a black hole. The awkard time between symptoms and treatment. I NEED help with this fitting, its having a negative impact on my overall wellbeing, as well as the potential of physical damage from fitting. I can't get anything for this until I get diagnosed and treatment, and yet by being not well I cant realisticaly access these things to do this.

I just hope it doesn't last as long as it did for my mental health problems.

I am really not making it up...

Back story here: http://allbigideas.blogspot.com/2012/06/im-not-making-it-up.html

I don't want to type this blog. It is very hard to admit the reality of whats happened over the last few days, especially in the context of what happened this time last week.

I have more than likely got epilepsy.

That is, I haven't got anything more serious, and from whats been described to the doctors it sounds like epilepsy.

Yes, I have been back to the hospital. A different one this time, with much more success. In that I was believed. I was given a CT scan and admitted over night, and have been referred to outpatient neurology for an appointment.

Unfortunately, until I get properly sorted its still uncontrollable, and I am still having them pretty regular, but at least I am being taken seriously, and being looked after.

I am going to write and complain to the original hospital, with probably even more weight behind me now than before....

But yes, now I am having to accept and face up to the prospect of living with epilepsy.

im not making it up

I'm not making it up. Although to what that statement refers to im not quite sure. Seeing as I have no memory of what im not making up I can't confirm or deny its existance. Apart from the after effects that is.

Imagine the aftermath of an earthquake. Although only lasting a few minutes, the lasting damage and subsequent recovery takes a lot longer to do. And then sometimes the aftershocks are can be just as big and damaging as the original and you have to go back and start again with the recovery.

Its a pretty accurate description of my experience over the last few days. Although my earthquakes are fits and the aftershocks more fits. Everytime I think I am ok I have another  and it puts me back to square one again.

Unfortunately I'v had to say I'm not making it up a lot over the last few days. The sad fact is that I have been taken to hospital twice, (once because I had been fitting for over five minutes) and on both occasions been told i am making it up. If this wasnt worrying enough as it is, to hear this from a nurse, who is meant to be responsible for my care is pretty distressing, and ironically probably causing it to happen again.

Unfortunately its not the first time iv been told this. The last time, it was a paramedic, back in 2004. He caused me to lose all my friends that I had just made at uni. Luckily this time my friends actually believe me, and so did the 2 paramedics and nurse that actually witnessed.

Yes, I have a condition known as non epileptic attack disorder. However, this is a significantly different condition to whats been happening over the last few days. During those episodes I usually black outcompletly and don't actually fit. And it doesn't usually happen in quick succession like these have been. Or leave me so exhausted I cant even walk across the room.

So yes, here I am completely  unsure of whats actually going on, and with the hospital refusing to investigate or take me seriously I am completely stuck. The scary thing is if there is something physically wrong and they've missed it then it could end badly. To even consider the possibility that Im making it up would make me out to be a a very sick person, and probably something that should have been investigated in itself. By hey, I keep saying, I'm not making it up.
(for an update see here:)
 http://allbigideas.blogspot.com/2012/06/i-am-really-not-making-it-up.html