My hour of hell..

 I read this story with tears. Not just as any new mum would, but with my experience in hospital now right at the front of my mind. I want to share this story because it will at least help me to shout and scream and rant and say that it should never have happened. Its already starting to annoy me how the media are making links between her mental health and this incident.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-bristol-30334855

As a result of my impairment, and my impairment alone I was subject to a full social services assessment whilst pregnant with my first child. Although I asked how I was meant to prove that I was going to be a good mum when I wasn't a mum yet, no answer was forthcoming. The aim of the assessment was not, as it had been first put to me as a way of supporting me as a mum but for safeguarding my unborn baby.

The pressure we had as new parents was immense. Everything had to be perfect, we had to be prepared for things that most new parents hadn't even considered. Upon doing some research on the process we were following I found that mothers with mental health problems are put under scrutiny which results in them having to be better parents than other parents.

We were "lucky". Social services found that there were no serious issues with us and that we had passed the test of whether we could parent or not. By this point I was nearly 30 weeks pregnant and spent a lot of that time convinced I wouldn't be allowed to keep my child (despite reassurances to the contrary). When we finally got the report in writing to say that there would be no more involvement it was the best feeling in the world.

I went into hospital on the thursday and my baby was born at 17:02. On saturday we were all discharged by the medical doctors and were given the all clear to go home.

This was when the problems started. I spoke to my named midwife (every mum had a named midwife per shift) about going home. She said she would go and find out what the next steps were and came back five minutes later.

She stated that we were not going to be able to go home until she had social services approval that we could, as it stated this on my notes. She went on to explain that because it was saturday it wouldn't be done until monday.

My once rational (given new baby brain) head had now just turned to mush. I explained to her that  I could provide her with the report from social services stating we were cleared from their "support". I could provide her with x,y z of things stating similar. But no, she wasn't able to confirm this. As I broke down she did finally turn around and say she would attempt to discover the truth as she went out of the room.

I am so grateful for my Mum in law at this point. As it wasn't long after visiting my husband was now half way across the country taking his grandparents back home. If my Mum in law hadn't have been there I wouldnt have remained as calm as I did (which wasnt very calm).

All rational thought went out of my head and it felt like social services had lied and that my baby who I had spent the last 24 hours getting to know was going to be taken from me. I cant explain that feeling, I hope that most new parents will never have to. I was trying to work out every possible way out of that hospital with my baby. Despite in my logical head knowing that I was in the right and they had made a mistake, it didnt matter. At that point it was real. I couldn't even pick my baby up for a hug because they didnt feel like mine anymore.

Some time (about half an hour or so) later the midwife came back. All this time where I was seriously distressed I was left alone in a private side room with my child. I cant explain the potential risks with that decision, but Im sure i dont need to. She had cleared it up, it was a clerical error.

This was no relief. There was no relief until I was at home with baby a little while later. The special moment that I should have had to take my baby home from hospital was ruined because I felt like I was running away before they changed their mind.

I wrote and I was given an apology, which helped me to move on. But it is stories on the news that brings it all home to me. The judgement and scrunity, the assumptions and the labels and the hour of hell where I thought I wasn't going to take my baby home.

All because I have a mental health impairment.

Im not saying it was right or wrong, I just wanted to share my story and the pressure, judgement and scrutiny that I was under.