Disabled and pregnancy. not 2 words you often hear together.

 I am disabled. I now have a new label to waft around. I am 'pregnant'. As any new Mum, I feel like I need a bit of help and advice, so I thought I would turn to amazon and find one of those nice fluffy mummy books about my situation. However, this was not to be.

So, in my curiosity I did a search on amazon. I typed in "disability" and "pregnancy". The first book looked promising, but then when I looked at it, the book was about what midwives might encounter with a disabled mother, and not just the "simple" stuff. By book number three amazon had moved on to disabled children and not disabled mothers. (although book 2 looks interesting its more of a story book than a fact based book).

I don't think such a book exists. It doesn't seem to be the norm to be disabled and pregnant (disabled people have sex?) Certainly my midwife seemed a bit stumped, but all credit to her I am being "properly" assessed for my needs whilst pregnant and when I have baby. I don't know how someone can look into a crystal ball but I am waiting to see on this one.

I have already found this to be a fascinating journey, and I am only a few weeks into it comparatively. My first observation was at my midwife appointment. Although things were geared to what I can do, inevitably there had to be some focus on what I can't do so that it can be ascertained what help I "might" need. Although I am used to this negativity when it comes to forms such as DLA it struck me that unlike other newly expectant mothers, my status was already being called into question, albeit in a 'supportive' disguise.

I then started to look at birth options. And then I stopped. Apparently, there is a normal way to give birth, and then by definition, an abnormal one. I will not let anyone else tell me what is normal and abnormal when it comes to my birth decisions. I will not be made to feel like a freak if for reasons of impairment I can not 'achieve' a normal birth. I am really quite angry about the language surrounding this. It has made me fearful of talking to midwives and other professionals when all the NHS guidelines frame a 'natural' birth as 'normal'. I have been forced to find other, more neutral information so I can make an informed decision about what I need to do to give birth in my situation. This is going to be another interesting thing to see how it pans out.

I then have a side observation. My DLA renewal forms don't ask if I am pregnant, all the other benefit forms I have filled in do. When ringing the DWP the person had clearly never been asked this before but couldn't quite answer the question because, well obviously pregnancy and birth is going to change things, but nothing i can predict.

So, yes, I am, pregnant. And I am disabled. As you can see from above, the way I like to cope with interesting (read difficult) situations is to analyse and academicise them. It gives me some distance, and hopefully provides some more interest to whats happening.

on being horizontal...

I have spent the last few days umming and ahhing as to whether to write this blog. It puts me in a vulnerable position and reveals a lot about me and my own life. But, after consideration I felt I should write it in honour of all those who spend their days horizontal..

I first heard about people who lived their lives from a horizontal position during spartacus, out of which the term from bed activism was born. Liz Crow then took this further with her 'bedding out' activism. I have always been a very private disabled person and didn't feel able to join in with sharing me with the world. However, my recent experiences have compelled me into writing a snippet of my life.

I have spent the last three weeks in bed. horizontal and unable to function. Although this is/was a temporary position for me it has given me a great deal of respect and admiration for those who have to do this day in day out with no prospect of recovery like I have.

Having to rely on someone else to get me food, drink, entertainment, well everything and anything has taught me a lot of resilience. I am stubbornly independent and the orders that I keep giving out to people still feel like begging and forcing me to reduce myself to a lesser being somehow. To be completely dependent on someone else is, at times degrading and always difficult. I am just grateful to my husband that he has accepted the role of carer/ servant with such good grace. It makes it easier to bear somehow.

I dont pretend to know what it could be like to do this on a more permanent basis, but I have a much greater respect for those who do now. The term 'from bed activism' was just that, a term. Only now can I somewhat appreciate the sacrifice people are making to get involved and to keep fighting the government and  welfare reform whilst being unable to function themselves. Thank you.

These last few weeks have been isolating. I can't even get on to twitter for some reason that this laptop wont divulge (again my husband has swapped to my desktop so i can have his). I have been scared to reveal how bad things are to my friends for fear of sympathy, and on the rare day or 2 that I make it.. outside I want to enjoy it and not spend the time talking about not being well. lack of understanding and fear of being labelled has left me dealing with this on my own, again though I do have my husband.

I spend my days refreshing facebook, messageboards, emails, anything and everything to make me feel like I have some sort of connection to real people, the real world. I have watched every online tv show I can find to watch. I am thoroughly bored and probably a bit depressed.

But I guess thats why I am writing this. To remind myself that this is temporary, and I will get better. I hope that this doesn't come across wrong, that I am somehow 'rubbing others noses in it', but that I should be grateful that it is temporary and that I admire and deeply respect those for whom this is more permanent. I have never truely appreciated your activism and spirit until now. thank you.