Being prevented from studying by reason of impairment

LI started a Masters course in September, a mere 2 weeks after my successful appeal of PIP. As you can imagine im not really fully functional and using this course as a recovery tool.
I would also like to say what an amazingly accessible course it is. Public transport is door to door and i have 3 hours of contact time a week, the Rest is self directed study which gives me unlimited flexibility to chose how and when i study.
That being said i still need extra adjustments because of the effects of my impairment and the incompatible nature of university life.
With that in mind i applied for disabled student allowance. I have been on this since 2007, again a reflection of how long it took me to get through undergraduate level study (i graduated in 2013).
Thanks to the changes at student finance to disabled students allowance this last year they will no longer fund a new needs assessment and state that my one from 2008 still stands and i should use the equipment from then.
Back then i was doing a full time undergraduate degree in photography, complete with mac and Photoshop recommended. I think that needs assessment in 2008 swapped my needs over onto a new course, the one i graduated from (education and disability studies). It was (in the main) full time. I was single at the time and living a big distance from uni. I think i got a computer running xp and associated assistive software. I think i upgraded sometime in 2011 to my current computer, but couldnt get the software to work (and failed to get it through dsa i think)
Fast forward to 2016. I am married now and have a child, and this is relevant. Im living closer to uni now and we have a car.
Because of my child and intersected with my impairment i can study for 2 hours a day. It is vital that i use this time as best i can.
Dsa have said i can continue to use my 2007 Dictaphone and the computers i no longer have, and the software that isn't compatible. Not only that i have 34 hours of mentor support. I need 52 weeks because that's the length of my course and over summer when theres no classes is when im going to really need it.
They have said that i can have a "review" of my needs, but that's not the same. As the social model of disability theory goes, i am differently disabled depending on the environment i access. This environment is completely different to under graduate level.
For the last two years i had the same battle for a dsa suitable for my needs. Unfortunately, due to the lack of support I had to quit that course before I could qualify and finish. But that was due to bot being allowed to be ill as a result of my PIP experience, so i think that was a bigger factor.
I wonder what this review will consist of and if when they send the report to dsa, they will actually take it into consideration?
Time will tell.

you dont see me...

You look, but you don't see.

You look at my photos and my tweets from last night and you think I must be a fraud.
You don't see the anxiety in those things. You don't see the stress.
You don't see the stewards who escorted us around the arena, who looked after us
(so we avoided the crowd)

You look at my life but you dont see.
You look at where I was last night as a bad thing,
but you dont see the achievement.
The media doesn't allow you to, to see that people can do amazing things and still be disabled.
you don't see my husband standing right next to me, keeping me safe.
You don't see the area where we were, or the emails of reassurance that there would be somewhere to sit away from the noise, and the questions of how many people there would be.

You look and my life and you judge.
You don't see, because I wont let you see how I am today.
The sacrifice I make to get there, to be there.

You look and you wonder how I managed that.
I can tell you, if your interested in seeing how things are for me.

Last night was special. A one off, a once in a lifetime. My husband and I had got seated tickets to see Nickelback, we usually arrive after everyone else, and just before people leave. 2 weeks ago we won a VIP upgrade to go and stand next to the stage. After some emails of reassurance we took them up on their offer. We are so  glad we did, because we now have signed Nickelback Tshirts and memories of an amazing night that will stay with us forever. The staff were mainly amazing and really supported me and enabled me to attend within my limits. We were escorted into the VIP  entrance, and afterwards we spent some time locally to wait for the crowds to go so we could get home safely.

Disabled people can and do go to concerts. This isn't something I should feel I have to blog about, but this climate of fear and uncertainly and judgement means I feel the need to justify myself. It might be a sad fact, but it is true. Now I must go, my bed is calling me, time to recover.

overheard in costa (language matters)

non-disabled "professional": the 21st December, yes I'm off then, booked that week off work, Iv got other things to do that week, got assignments to write and family to see over christmas. busy, busy.

disabled person: So what about wednesday? (meaning this meeting, interaction)

Non-disabled "professional": O, Im sure someone else from the team can come and see you instead.

In order to show whats wrong with this conversation I overheard in costa this morning I need to write it out again in a way that would have been much better.

Non-disabled "professional": Are you doing anything over christmas? It's a busy time of the year isn't it? 

disabled person: no, not really, not got much planned.

non-disabled "professional": O, thats a shame, do you want to do anything? (thinking of things that can be arranged, it appeared to be a support worker appointment) Unfortunately I'm not going to be able to see you on these dates,so you want to see someone else that week or would you rather wait? I can give you the office number to ring if you need someone.

I have only given a snippet here, but I heard more than this so know a bit of the context. the person was being supported in some way and it was a semi formal chat about their support needs and weekly activities etc. It felt really dis empowering to the disabled person, because the non-disabled person had reduced them to just being "work" and not human. It could be argued that those boundaries were in place and that the relationship was already clear and established, but due to the location (costa coffee) of the meeting it immediately blurs those boundaries of social and formal. 

mmm.. 

Feeling foreign..

I remember doing a survey a few months ago and finding it quite novel that I was considered a minority in America as I was "of Hispanic origin."
Recently I have been reading some critical race theory from an american perspective and once again i am considered a "minority".
I fear that this feeling will expand and become ever more prominent in my life as Britain makes plans to leave the EU, let me explain why.
Despite my surname appearing british, my maiden name is distinctly Spanish, even having a double barrel name. I have a complicated relationship with the fact i am half Spanish, made even more complex by britex. My Dad came over from Spain in the 70s to find work, found love along the way and settled down with my Mum and had me and my sister along the way.
Since the divorce i have very little to do with either my dad or my spanish heritage. I was quite glad to have the opportunity to change my name when i got married.
However, i find myself in a strange place. Despite living in the UK all my life it seems that by some in this country I would still be considered a foreigner because of my "first generation" status. It also seems that the numbers of people who consider this is growing, even to include the government in recent days.
When i read the headlines, foreign academics banned from discussion s about brexit, I find myself wondering if that would include me, after all how foreign do you have to be?
All of a sudden, i feel like a foreigner in my own country, which is a strange place to be. I seem to be feeling more "Spanish" whatever that might be, and that feeling is very weird. It started when the referendum was announced, and along with it my change of identity. I have never really considered myself "British" but "European" As it fit me better. All of a sudden I started to question this and wonder about who i am and where i "belong ".

At the moment I'm happy to dismiss those thoughts as my paranoid anxiety, but the more i read and the further along we go along this track i wonder if those fears will become reality.