state sponsored abuse

So having read this article https://www.buzzfeed.com/laurasilver/these-couples-say-the-disability-benefits-system-is?utm_term=.sceVLNePB#.jpWmwqxXJ

I feel I need to comment too.

I claim personal independence payment. This entitled my husband to claim carers allowance for me and then claim income support for both of us. This worked really well because it meant we had a stable income and didn't have to worry too much about money.

Until it went wrong. I rang the DWP and informed them that I was no longer part of the couple claim and my husband was no longer entitled to carers allowance. As the second person on the claim I could not do anything with the claim. It had to be my husband who rang in. Slight problem there, as we were not really on speaking terms. The advice from the DWP was to report him (and therefore me) to the fraud line. This was the only way I could stop the benefits and start claiming something in my own right.

All this took time, leaving me with no money during a very difficult transitional time where I needed as much support as possible, and not having to spend time, effort and money ringing the DWP, fraud line etc. etc.

Not only that I still have to sort my housing benefit out, because I need to claim backdated that I had no income during the time that all this was going on.

It is all a big mess.

When I was speaking to a support worker about whether I had experienced domestic abuse, we went over the definitions of the different types. Financial abuse is
 a form of domestic abuse.

An abusive partner might stop you from having control over your money as a way of trying to exert power over you.

A financially-abusive partner might also be physically violent, but it’s not always the case.

Financial abuse in the home – whether or not it’s accompanied by aggression or physical violence – can leave you feeling isolated, lacking in confidence and trapped.

It can include:

• Controlling your bank account;
• Running up debts in your name;
• Stopping you from getting (or keeping) a job;
• Making you hand over your wages or benefits;
• Making you ask your partner – or others – for money;
• Stealing, taking or demanding money from you and/or;
• Not allowing you to spend money on yourself or your children; and
• Making you account for every penny you spend – for example by showing receipts

 from here: https://www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/protecting-against-financial-abuse)

So, yes, thanks to the DWP and the way the benefits system works I was actually being financially abused. My question is though, who was the abuser, my husband or the DWP for putting me in that position in the first place?

offensive language

EDITED: I have changed the content of the blog to reflect my own experiences and take out the assumptions I incorrectly made about others. I apologise for the mistake, it was unintentional, and thanks for pointing it out.

The language used in the mainstream media and across social media in the last few days has really upset me. Whilst people seem to be careful around their use of the more racially and religiously sensitive words it seems this is not the case for health related terms. The words psychopath, nutter and nut job have been used so much to describe the person who carried out these attacks both in national newspaper headlines and in daily life.

I want to make it very clear that people who are mentally ill are not causally linked to evil acts. There may be some people who are mentally ill who do evil things, and there may be people who are mentally healthy who do evil things. But there are many more people with mental health problems who are not evil, nor do they do evil things. We live ordinary lives, have ordinary jobs and study in ordinary educational settings.

People who are mentally ill are so often stigmatised when it comes to violent and horrible acts. We are scapegoated and grouped together under this horrible title of nutter or psycho. It is damaging and it carries on the stigma that people with mental health problems have to cope with everyday on top of dealing with the effects of their own impairment and the massive barriers that already exist in society.

Be careful with your language. The word psycho and nutter/nutjob is the equivalent of some of the nastier racial slurs. The very fact I have written the ones regarding mental health and wouldnt consider writing the racial ones, just demonstrates the difference there is with both..

If you see it, challenge it, in just the same way as you should challenge someone using racist and religious based insults. It is wrong, and it is hurting people. Suggest other words that are better, because people often don't realise that there are better words to describe the characteristics of a person, such as evil, manipulated, coerced etc etc.

please think about what you are saying before you say it because it can cause offence.

a broken leg?

"hi, I think I have a broken leg, its hurting really badly"
"Ok, go and sit in the waiting room and I'll get someone to see you ASAP!

1 hour and a half later

Triage nurse calls you in

"Hi I think I have a broken leg, its hurting really badly"
"o, um, you'll need to see a specialist for that, I think I just seen them, go and sit back down and I'll get them to call you in"

Half an hour later

"Hi, yes, the specialist is with another patient now, but dont worry your next. I'll take you round to a ward to wait for them"

You are escorted to a cubicle with a couple of chairs to wait.

2AM the nurse pops her head round,

"o, your still here? um, lets see what I can find out"

At 2:15 you get a phone call from the specialist saying that because its 2 am theres not a lot they can do right now, and apologise that the day team didnt pass your case to the night team, but if you go home they'll get someone to ring you in the morning to discuss what the best option is.

11:30 am someone rings with an appointment to be assessed next wednesday. Its friday now, but you'll wait. Hopefully someone will help.

Wednesday

You go to the appointment and spend 45 minutes talking about your broken leg and at the end the assessor says that they have a team meeting on a friday and that he will take your case to them so they can discuss treatment options and he will give you a ring on friday.

Friday

"Hi, its the doctor from wednesday about your broken right leg (It was your left as you correct him, no apology,but a laugh) Of course. yes. thats right. So yes, we think it might need some help this leg, because as you say you are in pain. So what we are going to do is refer you to a pain management group, its a really great 5 week group course and I think its going to really help. Now I know you mentioned on wednesday you have been taking some painkillers, I think you need to perserve with those for the time being, because I am sure they will start to work soon. And Exercise, yes we think a nice bit of excercise will help to heal that broken arm of yours. I'll also want to see you in 5 weeks time to see how your going, bye.

The doctor monologues so you dont have time to respond to any of this.
------------------------------
You wouldn't accept this for a phyical health condition, you would expect to be treated. This is a slightly altered but pretty factual account of my experiences over the last 2 weeks of trying to get help for my mental health issue. First through the accident and emergency department and then through the local Community Mental Health Team. Everything the CMHT recommended I already have access to and am already doing (or have done before and its not been helpful, which was all mentioned during the assessment).

Ableism in the teacher training curriculum: Some stuff I need to say

In March of this year I had a PIP medical. See here for the impact of that: https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/may/12/benefits-assessment-ptsd-benefit

What I haven't revealed until now is the other half of that story. I was on a teaching course at the time. Studying to do a PGCE. As a direct result of  the PIP medical's effects on my mental health I was forced to quit studying because of the concerns my placement had on my ability to teach their students (their words).

I have not shared this because I have been unable to. I have had to deal with the PIP process and appeal, which only ended in September, and then had to focus on starting my new course an MA in education. It is through this new course and my first assignment that I am now able to start to process what happened back in march.

I was studying a PGCE in further education teacher training, for disabled students. It is my firm belief that there needs to be more disabled teachers to teach disabled students, and this was my goal. I was only able to do this part time, but I was hoping to make a difference. But I couldn't even get through the PGCE year. Throughout my placement, in a special education college, I was forced to pass as a non disabled person. I was told not to reveal anything to the students, but seen other teachers doing just that about their personal life. What they actually meant was, don't tell them your disabled, don't reveal you are the same as them, as it was seen as a weakness and not a strength. The teachers I was working with had a deficit model of disability and impairment and couldn't see beyond that.

Ironically, one of them revealed my child to the group, which was seen as perfectly acceptable, but something I had chosen not to reveal in chosing the boundaries to operate in myself. I had to sit there (after being told off for discussing my history with the students) and listen to some really vile stuff about being disabled without being able to challenge it.

I am a politcally disabled person. It is part of who I am, and I am part of an oppressed minority in society. My impairment doesn't disable me, but the barriers, attitudes and access in society does.
There will be more to follow when I have written my first assingment about ableism in the teacher training community.
I want to leave you with this poem.

I am disabled by you.

I am disabled by your rules and your barriers.

I am disabled by your systems that I just don't understand and don't fit into.

I am disabled by your stairs and your signs written in bright white

I am disabled by your education system that says that i have to do things in a certain way in order to get a certain outcome.

I am disabled by your assumptions about my ability

I am disabled by your assumptions about my disability

I am disabled by your sticky labels and your self fulfilling prophecies

I am disabled by your label of disabled (and not person)

I am disabled by your stereotypes

I am disabled by your attitude and your inability to listen to me and what I need to succeed.

I am disabled by your trains and buses that are just too busy for me to get on

I am disabled by your inability to see me as a disabled person.

I am disabled by your control over my life

I am disabled by your inability to treat my impairment as real and valid

I am disabled by your failure to take responsibility to accommodate my needs

I am disabled by your words of hate and intolerance

I am disabled by your ignorance

yes

I might be a disabled person

but it is you who are disabling me

CHANGE

I am enabled by your barrier breaking

I am enabled by your equalising rules

I am enabled by empowerment

I am enabled by lifts and ramps and other ways around

I am enabled by alternative assessments and using computers to write with

I am enabled by your questions about my ability

I am enabled by your questions about my disability

I am enabled by your ability to look beyond my labels

I am enabled by your holistic approach to my life

I am enabled by your ability to see me as ME

I am enabled by your attitude and your understanding

I am enabled by single seats and quieter transport

I am enabled by your ability to see me as a disabled person

I am enabled by your willingness to simply walk alongside me

I am enabled by your accommodations and adaptations

I am enabled by your words of support and tolerance

I am enabled by you listening to me

Yes

I might be a disabled person

but it is you who makes the difference.

I am disabled by THEM

I am disabled by their ableism in their curriculum

I am disabled by their concept that a teacher can not be disabled and teach disabled students

I am disabled by their curriculum, that puts ME as other, the one to be taught to

I am disabled by their perfect placements that just dont want a disabled teacher

I am disabled by being not quite

I am disabled because I am not in a wheelchair, and thats what they expect

I am disabled by their right and wrong way to do things

I am disabled by being able to pass as normal in their world

I am disabled by their deficit definition of disability

I am disabled by who they say I should be and who I should not be

I am disabled by their personally imposed boundaries

I am disabled by their non critical approach to teaching me how to teach

I am disabled by their attendance requirements and assessment guidelines

I am disabled by their forced suspension making me feel like a failure

And I need to do something about that

So change?

What can I do?

I am doing it

Here, now, this minute

Writing and speaking about it

The personal becomes political

And its not just me who is disabled any more

Its YOU.

“To tell the truth is to become beautiful, to begin to love yourself, value yourself. And that’s political, in its most profound way.”  —June Jorda

Being prevented from studying by reason of impairment

LI started a Masters course in September, a mere 2 weeks after my successful appeal of PIP. As you can imagine im not really fully functional and using this course as a recovery tool.
I would also like to say what an amazingly accessible course it is. Public transport is door to door and i have 3 hours of contact time a week, the Rest is self directed study which gives me unlimited flexibility to chose how and when i study.
That being said i still need extra adjustments because of the effects of my impairment and the incompatible nature of university life.
With that in mind i applied for disabled student allowance. I have been on this since 2007, again a reflection of how long it took me to get through undergraduate level study (i graduated in 2013).
Thanks to the changes at student finance to disabled students allowance this last year they will no longer fund a new needs assessment and state that my one from 2008 still stands and i should use the equipment from then.
Back then i was doing a full time undergraduate degree in photography, complete with mac and Photoshop recommended. I think that needs assessment in 2008 swapped my needs over onto a new course, the one i graduated from (education and disability studies). It was (in the main) full time. I was single at the time and living a big distance from uni. I think i got a computer running xp and associated assistive software. I think i upgraded sometime in 2011 to my current computer, but couldnt get the software to work (and failed to get it through dsa i think)
Fast forward to 2016. I am married now and have a child, and this is relevant. Im living closer to uni now and we have a car.
Because of my child and intersected with my impairment i can study for 2 hours a day. It is vital that i use this time as best i can.
Dsa have said i can continue to use my 2007 Dictaphone and the computers i no longer have, and the software that isn't compatible. Not only that i have 34 hours of mentor support. I need 52 weeks because that's the length of my course and over summer when theres no classes is when im going to really need it.
They have said that i can have a "review" of my needs, but that's not the same. As the social model of disability theory goes, i am differently disabled depending on the environment i access. This environment is completely different to under graduate level.
For the last two years i had the same battle for a dsa suitable for my needs. Unfortunately, due to the lack of support I had to quit that course before I could qualify and finish. But that was due to bot being allowed to be ill as a result of my PIP experience, so i think that was a bigger factor.
I wonder what this review will consist of and if when they send the report to dsa, they will actually take it into consideration?
Time will tell.

you dont see me...

You look, but you don't see.

You look at my photos and my tweets from last night and you think I must be a fraud.
You don't see the anxiety in those things. You don't see the stress.
You don't see the stewards who escorted us around the arena, who looked after us
(so we avoided the crowd)

You look at my life but you dont see.
You look at where I was last night as a bad thing,
but you dont see the achievement.
The media doesn't allow you to, to see that people can do amazing things and still be disabled.
you don't see my husband standing right next to me, keeping me safe.
You don't see the area where we were, or the emails of reassurance that there would be somewhere to sit away from the noise, and the questions of how many people there would be.

You look and my life and you judge.
You don't see, because I wont let you see how I am today.
The sacrifice I make to get there, to be there.

You look and you wonder how I managed that.
I can tell you, if your interested in seeing how things are for me.

Last night was special. A one off, a once in a lifetime. My husband and I had got seated tickets to see Nickelback, we usually arrive after everyone else, and just before people leave. 2 weeks ago we won a VIP upgrade to go and stand next to the stage. After some emails of reassurance we took them up on their offer. We are so  glad we did, because we now have signed Nickelback Tshirts and memories of an amazing night that will stay with us forever. The staff were mainly amazing and really supported me and enabled me to attend within my limits. We were escorted into the VIP  entrance, and afterwards we spent some time locally to wait for the crowds to go so we could get home safely.

Disabled people can and do go to concerts. This isn't something I should feel I have to blog about, but this climate of fear and uncertainly and judgement means I feel the need to justify myself. It might be a sad fact, but it is true. Now I must go, my bed is calling me, time to recover.

overheard in costa (language matters)

non-disabled "professional": the 21st December, yes I'm off then, booked that week off work, Iv got other things to do that week, got assignments to write and family to see over christmas. busy, busy.

disabled person: So what about wednesday? (meaning this meeting, interaction)

Non-disabled "professional": O, Im sure someone else from the team can come and see you instead.

In order to show whats wrong with this conversation I overheard in costa this morning I need to write it out again in a way that would have been much better.

Non-disabled "professional": Are you doing anything over christmas? It's a busy time of the year isn't it? 

disabled person: no, not really, not got much planned.

non-disabled "professional": O, thats a shame, do you want to do anything? (thinking of things that can be arranged, it appeared to be a support worker appointment) Unfortunately I'm not going to be able to see you on these dates,so you want to see someone else that week or would you rather wait? I can give you the office number to ring if you need someone.

I have only given a snippet here, but I heard more than this so know a bit of the context. the person was being supported in some way and it was a semi formal chat about their support needs and weekly activities etc. It felt really dis empowering to the disabled person, because the non-disabled person had reduced them to just being "work" and not human. It could be argued that those boundaries were in place and that the relationship was already clear and established, but due to the location (costa coffee) of the meeting it immediately blurs those boundaries of social and formal. 

mmm..