Finding value in myself through finding value in things.

I have spent a lot of time over the last few months sorting out my stuff and my home. I have had to throw alot of things away, and in the process of doing that, deciding what is worth saving. However, somewhat frustratingly I have recently changed my attitude towards this task. This was thanks to a couple of courses I attended (Sheffield flourish and Storying Sheffield).

In those we focused on our stories. The personal narrative that makes up our lives, and how we can use different ways to express that. I have come to realise that I don't just have all this stuff for no reason, some of it at least has value. That isn't to say it is valuable, but that it is valued enough by me to keep it. It is different from finding joy in something, because a lot of these things hold difficult stories for me, and really don't bring me joy. However, they are still very much a part of my story, who I am and for that, they are of value to me.

In the last few days as I have considered this, and continued to sort, my attitude has changed to the task because of this realisation. I still throw things away, but not because I have this need to de clutter and tidy but because I no longer feel the need to keep hold of it, it no longer has value or meaning for me. It has stopped becoming part of my narrative. It has also meant that there are things that I have got in boxes that I really want to recover from them, and display them somehow. Not because they are anything special, but because of the value they represent.

I am also going to try this attitude out when it comes to sorting through my clothes. If something has some value to me, adds or reflects some part of my story back to the world then I will keep it, if not, then I probably wont.

It is also interesting then to extend this and deepen it further. By finding the value in these things, and finding those stories and meanings to them, I become the curator of my life. I become more careful about the things that I keep and how I keep them, because they are no longer just things, but valuable things and important to me.

It also means that I become more careful about the things that I buy, and whether those things will add value to my life or not. It might mean choosing to buy less of something more expensive, or spend more on something that will last longer, because ultimately, under it all, it means I am valuing myself and my life more.

By placing a value on the choices I make, the things I eat, what I wear, what I keep  and how I keep it means that I become more mindful of those choices. I also increase my own sense of self through strengthening my self narrative and self worth.

It doesn't mean always buying the most expensive things though. That is the balance. By buying something that is cheaper might mean better value and self worth in the longer term because I am being aware of my budget and staying in control. However, its about making the judgement about what is worth or has value that I should spend money, or even time on (as time is a very valuable resource).

This is just my thought processes at this time, and I am hoping it will evolve over time and as I continue my journey in this way. find

Monster in the toilet zine.

Here is my "monster in the toilet" zine: link to pdf
how to fold the zine ( you can use scissors just fold it in half and cut that way)

It is designed to be printable and coloured in yourself.

enjoy!
There’s a MONSTER in the toilet Mummy,
It tried to eat my hand!
It roared when I went near it,
and it sounded kind of mad.

There’s a MONSTER in the toilet Mummy,
It sits there on the wall
its roar makes my ears hurt
and it's TEETH are ten feet tall


There’s a monster in the toilet mummy,
I'm sure I heard it laugh.
It rattles and blows the water away,
but it ate my hands right off!


You know that monster in the toilet?
It's not scary, mean or mad
it loves to eat up water
and roaring means its glad



You know that monster in the toilet?
its there to keep us clean and dry
it doesn't want to be scary
it just wants to be friendly and say hi



You know that monster in the toilet?
It used to scare me too
But now we are best friends
and I hope you can be too



Hi, im the monster in the toilet
Id like to shake your hand
I love to chat and make new friends
I hope you understand



Hi, I'm the monster in the toilet,
I'm here to dry your hands,
I know I roar and am quite hot,
and I'm sorry if I'm scary
I'm really really not!

A letter to my mental health..

Dear mental health,

You and I first got to know each other when we were ill around age 16. You moved into my life as mental illness without me really inviting there, and very quickly became a thing to be feared and unfortunately something to get rid of.
You were a bad influence on my life early on, getting me into trouble and finding ever increasingly bigger things to do to get my attention. But I carried on, trying to ignore you, being scared of the things you made me do and think, and worst of all it seems, I was powerless to stop you being part of my life. There you were, eating with me, squeezing into the same bed as me. Everything I did, you were there too, like a physical shadow that, along with the dark, came with a coldness I couldn't quite shake off.
That was part of the problem, wasn't it? You weren't quite real, and it was only really me that could see you separate to me, and forever trying to fight you off, even though you weren't really a person, but a thing, like the dog poo stuck to the bottom of my shoe that I couldn't get off and everyone blamed me for the source of the smell. "mental illness" (as I called you then), we were inseparable to everyone else, no one could see beyond you to me, and it made me worse somehow, that my person hood was somehow swallowed up and meshed with this thing that I was trying so hard to get rid of, but no one else saw us separately.
I tried really hard to get rid of you. I went to counselling and tried various different things to try and get rid. I was crying and frustrated when none of them worked and because they made me feel worse, and you became bigger, more scary and attached I stopped trying.

I remember when it changed though. Although it started suddenly, it took some time to change forever, as these things do, and of course there were still difficulties along the way, where I still hated you, ignored you and wished you were gone.
We had a difficult day that day, and as we sometimes did when we were having difficult days found ourselves in a hotel room by the evening, hiding from the world, and I was trying to hide from you too, but as always, you came with me. I had got frustrated and got angry at you, getting myself all worked up in the mix. I ended up crying, and I started to notice my crying had an echo. I looked up and noticed, for the first time a small girl crying across from me. thats not to say you were really there, or that I was seeing you as an illusion either, more that, for the first time I could see you, mental illness, for what you were, what you represented. For me, you were a small girl crying, hurting and really upset, and I wanted to look after you and make it all better.

When I started to get to know you and actually understand you, and why you were with me, was when we both started to get better. We worked together, not against each other, to solve the problems I was having with you being around, and you grew up too. You became a mature part of me, wise and thoughtful and generally good to be around. Getting to know you was difficult, but it became very important as it also meant I got to know myself too, and we got better.
You still had that streak in you, and you still do, that needs and sometimes craves attention. But I have learnt, and you have accepted that the sooner I give you that attention, and the more positive attention I give you, the less of an issue it becomes.
Of course, we didn't do it on our own. I went back to therapy, with a different attitude this time. I no longer wanted to destroy you because I learnt that although your name of mental illness seems quite scary and at times you still are, you are still a part of me, and there is a reason you are there. When I find that difficult I remind myself of the hurt and crying little girl you once were and under all that bad stuff thats what you are, and thats how I should treat you.

I remember the day you decided to move out from living with me. I was quite happy, but soon became quite lonely without you there all the time. However, I knew that this new way of being was much more healthy, and its not like you are gone forever.
You only live next door to me now, but it works so much better. We are friendly neighbours, but each with our own space and separate lives. I go to places without you now, I have learnt to be myself again. We still talk daily, and I love to tell you what I do now, and we are still welcome at each others houses, the difference is that we have a lot more respect for each others space and know that it doesn't mean anything bad.

When you moved out from my life, we decided to change your name from mental illness to mental health. It was symbolic of how you have changed from being a negative part of my life to just being a part of it.
I hope we continue to grow together and strengthen each other through working with each other and not against each other.


..and no offence, but I hope you don't move in again...

this is your song..

Today I went to a course run by Sheffield Flourish. We were thinking about stories, and also about music and it got me thinking.

It was said that everyone has a story in them and about them, and that scared me a bit, because I don't like some of my story, and some of my story I don't own. However, when we started thinking about music and how that can form part of identity it really resonated with me. There are some days I can't write, or think or do anything, but then when I listen to music it breaks down those barriers in some way and reconnects me to life and reminds me of who I am.

In essence my story is played out through other peoples music, and their lyrics mirror my own experiences. When I find a song that does that it stays with me for a long time and becomes part of me. There are some songs where the majority of it don't make sense to my story, aside from one line. The lyric "this isn't everything you are" is one of those. There are also songs that I really love the words but hate the music to it, and feel like it needs to be sung in a different way and that its true potential hasn't quite been unlocked. Katy Perry's Tiger is one of those songs.

So, I have a great collection of songs that form part of my identity and really speak to me. However, the one I'm going to highlight here is the song "I'm not alright" by Skillet. It really speaks to me about how vulnerable you have to be to ask for help and how easy it is to say "I'm ok". To have this in song format makes it easier somehow to talk about things when I'm not ok.

I hope this has made you think about your story a bit, and what songs you would have in your soundtrack..

An essential luxury

There are things that "most" people would consider luxuries from big things such as cars and cleaners to smaller everyday things such as a straw in a drink, pre packaged veg or somewhe to sit on a bus.

However, for disabled people these things are far from a luxury, despite the additional cost, stress or time involved in getting them. For me, without prepackaged vegetables I simply wouldn't eat them. Without a seat on a bus I wouldn't be able to get on. For others a car is essential to their day to day life.

Before judgement is made over these so called luxuries, perhaps because of the environmental impact or cost impact people need to consider that by restricting access to these luxuries also means that some people also become restricted in their day to day life.

It is not just convinience food, for some people it is simply food. It is not just a plastic straw, for some people it means the difference between a drink and not drinking. Between being mobile or stuck at home.

half a parent

When I became a parent in May 2014, I did not become half a parent. I became a parent, a Mum to a beautiful little girl. I did not half feed her, or half wash her or half look after her, but I did so fully, in equal partnership with my husband who was also a complete 100% parent. We were both parents, not half parents, in need of each other in order to be able to competently look after our daughter.

Yes, we shared roles, but it didn't lessen our responsibility. I may also be a disabled parent, but in fact this makes me more of a parent, because I had to endure social services assessments before being allowed to take on that title, something that I continued to do throughout her life.

When my husband and I "parted ways" (another story another time), I did not expect to lose my status as a parent too. Well, it was something that he often threatened me with, but it was never something that I expected to happen, as I have read many websites that tell you to ignore the abusive and threatening words of "don't tell or you'll lose your kids". Unfortunately for me, as a disabled parent, this seems to be true, and not the work of fiction the websites had me believe.

The only reason I am considered half a parent now is because I do not have my husband supporting me anymore. This, and my "disabled person" status are the only things baring me from being a full parent. I find myself having to go over the old ground of proving myself as a parent, despite having 3 years experience now.

My status as a disabled parent should not be a factor. I have been a disabled parent since her birth and will continue to be so. I have not been pretending, nor should I be considered a parent only in context of having a husband or partner to support me. That is very dangerous, and it was that exact sentiment that he used to scare me into staying with him. No person should feel so trapped in a relationship that they fear leaving because they may also lose their child. I had hoped to find support and not judgement for my decision to leave, but here we are.

I may need extra support to be a disabled parent now, which is fair enough, but I should not be prevented from parenting because I am disabled. I was never judged as half a parent before, nor should I be now.

self care is the opposite of self harm

trigger warning, talking about self harm. If you aren't able to read my blog, then please take yourself over to a wonderful user led organisation called the Blurt foundation and read about self care https://www.blurtitout.org/resource/self-care-info/




If self harm is the opposite of self care, and if the law has recently come to recognise the damaging effects of emotional abuse suffered at the hands of another, then self harm should also include non physical acts.

I self harm, but in non physical ways. In silent, invisible ways, leaving no trace or no scar that anyone can see. This self harm thrives in the shadows, breeds off the shame and the guilt, and is made worse by the silence.

"Just because its in your head doesn't make it any less real."

Even the act of writing this out is hard. The thoughts of its not real, its not as serious as physical self harm are loud and noisy. The thought that no one will want to read it or understand what I am saying are motivations for me to continue, to fight back and say NO. This is real, and it is just as damaging as the physical harm people do to themselves.

Self neglect, not eating properly, being restrictive in some way, being negative about yourself. It is all self harm. For me, the worst is my really low self esteem, and guilt. When I start to look at all the actions I take against myself these 2 things are right at the bottom.

As I mentioned above, the answer lies in self care. Thanks to Blurt I am learning about the small ways I can look after myself and counter the negative emotional self harm that I experience. By having this vast resource means I can consciously "do self care". https://www.blurtitout.org/resource/self-care-info/

I have recently started to write out different ways I can practice self care for different areas of my life. My self care diet includes things like I should not feel guilty about any food I eat, or spending money on it. I am also learning to be gentle on myself, setting my alarm clock earlier so if I wake up and need some more sleep I can have some without feeling guilty that I have slept in.

The other big thing I can do to counter non physical self harm, is to talk about it. To talk about it in either way, at the self harm or the opposite end of self care. I find it easier to talk about self care, and share the positive things I am doing to look after myself, and I think that it really helps to talk about it.