the morning after

The morning after. I still feel empty and broken and iv still got a massive mess to sort out.
But I'm here.
As anyone who read the guardian article about me a few weeks ago will know I have PTSD, a fact i didn't want to reveal nationally but that's what the dwp and Atos forced me to do, just to highlight the sheer trauma they put me under in my assessment.
I think most people have heard of the fight/flight mechanism when faced with a difficult situation. You either fight or you run. Mine is kinda broken and I tend to run when I can't cope. It's not planned and its certainly not safe. I exist in a dream like state, not really aware of myself or things around me.
Im feeling more grounded today. More aware of myself etc. But not great. And would still like to disappear from the world I currently live in.
Im having to deal with the crushing reality of being the chief income earner, all our money as a family came from my DLA (and income support and carers) which has all stopped. All the responsibility falls on me. Im not making a political statement but I know full well that my husband would get more money as a single parent, and that really doesn't help in my current state of mind.
Im going to get in contact with the cab and my mp on Monday and see what's happening. With such a target driven culture, surely the dwp will make a decision soon, if only to make their targets

ten weeks

I wish I could explain what ten weeks waiting for the dwp to reconsider their decision is like, properly. But I can only write down the facts as any emotion attached to this process has long since gone.
Give it another two weeks, next week, tomorrow. Every excuse to keep ringing back is given by the dwp operators, but none of them knows what it means in reality to tell someone late on Friday to try next week.
1st April they got my request to look at my claim again. They have admitted that the first medical was wrong and threatened me to undertake another, despite the medical evidence and other evidence I have submitted.
I have contacted the media 4 weeks ago and then felt forced to contact my mp 2 weeks ago. Im still waiting. With the excuse that it should be taking "up to 9 weeks". They don't know what to say when I say its been 9 weeks apart from try next week.
Ten weeks with no money, everything relied on my DLA before. Ten weeks of being impossible to budget because everything will be sorted soon, but nothing ever is. The extra costs don't go away because the benefits have gone. I tried living like that but it was impossible.
I cant cope with waiting anymore. I can't cope with the relentless fear of the telephone and letterbox. I cant cope with having to wait ten weeks to be once again told by the dwp that im not sick enough to qualify and have to start the wait over again for appeal.
This is me signing out. I have tried and failed to wait but can wait no more.

Mental health and PIP

I am concerned. I am really concerned.

In my PIP medical report it stated that I receive no mental health support so therefore don't qualify for having any recognisable mental health problem. What the ATOS assessor actually meant by that is that I don't qualify for any NHS mental health support.

I am a frequent reader of many forums and this theme seems to be appearing again and again. The ATOS assessors are justifying their reasoning using the fact that people are not accessing NHS mental health services, even if they have done previously and are now under the care of the GP.

I only need to do a quick google search to find  these articles and headlines:

There can be little doubt that the mental health sector is under pressure, however understanding the nature of those pressures has been difficult.
http://www.kingsfund.org.uk/publications/mental-health-under-pressure

More than one in ten (12%) people with mental health problems are stuck on waiting lists for over a year before receiving talking treatments and over half (54%) wait over three months, reveals a new report launched by the We Need to Talk coalition of which the mental health charity Mind is part of.
http://www.mind.org.uk/news-campaigns/news/people-with-mental-health-problems-still-waiting-over-a-year-for-talking-treatments/#.Vz7TjRMrLnA

The mental health service in England is in crisis and unsafe, says one of the country's leading psychiatrists.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-24537304

This leads me to the conclusion that in order to be able to access NHS mental health services you need to be considered seriously unwell  before they will even consider you for treatment, and even then that treatment will be severely limited by funding. All of this is well known to "service users" like myself. It is damn near impossible to get NHS help, which is why for me personally I used my Disability Living Allowance to pay for private treatment.

I now want to highlight the sort of treatment that is available on the NHS, usually for people whose mental health is deemed "mild" or moderate" (but considering how stretched the service is, the definitions are also stretching to include some people who would traditionally be classed as severe).
Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) is the NHS talking therapy of choice. It is relatively cheap and relatively effective. It can be delivered in a variety of different ways, depending on the client group (and sometimes geographic location).
http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/Cognitive-behavioural-therapy/Pages/Introduction.aspx
I want to highlight a  few sentences from this page here:

"The course of treatment will usually last for between 5 and 20 sessions, with each session lasting 30-60 minutes."

"CBT cannot remove your problems, but it can help you deal with them in a more positive way."

It is not a cure, and it is a short term therapy. It relies on the person being in a position to be able to engage with the suggestions and to practice them daily and apply them daily. It doesn't (unfortunately) mean a nice quick fix and the person is sorted, it is trying to teach people how to live differently. There are problems with CBT, there is a good post here to read about its limitations here: 
https://everydayproblemsolving.wordpress.com/2010/04/12/cbt-from-an-everyday-perspective-part-ii/

but I am not going to into details, everything has its limitations. That, in this post is a side issue.

The main issue coming from these two points is this: NHS mental health services are limited, and any therapy you can usually get from the NHS is CBT based, which is short term therapy, around 6-20 sessions.

Going back to the ATOS assessment, why are they assuming that anyone who doesn't access NHS mental health services is not mentally ill, when the NHS is so stretched that if and when people can get treatment it is only short term therapy, not designed to cure a persons mental ill health?

People with mental health problems are increasingly looked after by their GP, even those with severe problems. People are looking to private treatment because there is very little on the NHS. People are not lying or saying their condition is worse than it "appears on paper". It is the very simple fact that the help is not there for them to access.

I feel like people with mental health problems are being punished twice over. The NHS for failing to care for them and from ATOS and the DWP for failing to take this into consideration for benefits assessments. 

down the rabbit hole (the week that was)

i dont really know where to start with this blog. Mainly because so much has happened and its all floating around in my head, feeling like it is crushing me down. So I guess I will start at the beginning.

After 6 weeks of waiting ATOS replied to us regarding our complaint. They admitted they did wrong, the assessment should have never taken place in the room with no soundproofing and it was only a temporary measure used for that day.

I got angry, I got very angry, I felt like ATOS were saying that they did it and they don't care, after all I am just a disabled person, why does it matter?

So, I wrote a letter to the DWP adding this evidence to my original reconsideration statement, which is still in progress, nearly 8 weeks after submission.

I also contacted the guardian. I am of the opinion that the personal is very much political. I didnt go to them with my story for my own personal gain, I went for everyone who didn't have a voice, or a letter from ATOS admiting their mistakes. I went to expose the systemic abuse that is happening to disabled people right now in the benefits system. Quite simply, it was bigger than myself. I felt willing to forgo my privacy to expose yet another failing in the system.

So, the article was written:
http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/may/12/benefits-assessment-ptsd-benefit
and it was well written.

But then I felt like Alice as I tumbled down the rabbit hole unable to stop the chain of events, either as a result of the article or my letter to the DWP highlighting the ATOS complaint letter.

I received a letter on friday informing me of another assessment, this time conducted in my home, next week. I am currently in panic mode. I can't describe what im currently going through, as it is really hard to put down into words what the thought of another assessment is doing to my head. I am also very clear that this will not be happening in my home. I need it to take place in a grey, anonymous office away from my life and certainly away from my place of safety in my home. Having ATOS there will feel like a home invasion. Just NO.

I have rung both ATOS and the DWP and neither know why I have been issued with this appointment. I have spoken to both the CAB and  another independent advice service who are both unsure as to what is happening. We are awaiting a call back from the DWP tomorrow to see if a manager can tell us what is going on.

In the mean time my husband has written a letter explaining why another medical is inappropriate at this stage. Its just too late for them to be gathering evidence.

I have also taken a step that I didn't think I would have to, I have contacted my MP. I didn't want to because it feels like I am being selfish, but as I am currently travelling down the rabbit hole I need all the help I can get to land safely and move on from this experience.

Answers on a postcard as to whats going on, and whats going to happen next.

Monday update: Im not really sure whats going on anymore. The DWP and ATOS are denying all knowledge of ever speaking to each other and I feel like Im in the middle of some sort of lovers tryst, or fight between them. I just want them to throw out the mandatory reconsideration so I can take it to appeal for them to laugh at it all. ATOS or the DWP say theres not enough medical evidence to make a paper based medical happen, but then say that its too personal information, but then say they are the only ones able to tell me what my life is like on a day to day basis.

and they wonder why the suicide rate is going up...

transcript

transcript for this voicemail: http://justiceforlb.org/a-culture-of-candour-justiceforlb/

Good morning, hello, hi, I believe this is a message for Dr Sara Ryan, um obviously on the media (not sure on this any help?) into the care of southern health. I work for southern health and I feel awful that you lost him I’m so sorry that you have done, it’s tragic, and, I hope you find some closure after the report, the issue of the cqc today, but I do think you are being very vindictive. I think you are a vindictive cow

On tv all the time um slating NHS southern health, with your intelligent background, ya know as much as much as anyone else knows, that southern health only took over those units in Oxfordshire recent you know the recent months before , before your son died.

You know, with your background, it takes a while to make changes in anywhere, and I think now your (on a mission) (again I think that’s right sorry on this word), you want some attention, but you are vindictive and you are unpleasant, and you are a nasty cow.

933am Friday april 29th

Rage

I am angry. I am really angry.

I was awarded zero points for my transfer from DLA to PIP on the 18th March. Thanks to the lack of staff at the DWP my mandatory reconsideration, part one of my appeal can take up to eight weeks to complete. I sent it on the first april, and so have been told it could be up until 30th May before I hear anything. But that isn't why I am angry (although its leaving feeling pretty helpless).

My husband complained about my medical assessment just after it happened. I have written previously about how distressing it was, we could hear everything that was said from next door and when we asked to move was told there were no rooms available.

We got the reply today, and this is what I am angry about. Some quotes from the response

"I have contacted the assessment centre in question and the confirmed room the was a temporary measure used for one day only due to a lack of computers available. The room is not normally used and will not be used again in the future."

"The health professional (HP) followed correct procedure as the only option open to them was to cancel the assessment, which would have caused even more distress to you."

I got zero points for this distress. I got zero points because none of this distress was even mentioned on my medical report, despite the fact they clearly mention it here.

They used a room that they admit was not suitable and will never be suitable to conduct a medical assessment. They should NEVER have even let me be in that room in the first place. It wasn't a case of cancelling the assessment if it was going to cause distress, (ie if they could get away with it then why bother re arranging).

It is horrible to think I have been treated so poorly. I have written a strongly worded letter to the DWP. I am hoping they can see how disgusting this is.

I have asked them to completely dismiss the medical as ATOS themselves have admitted it wasn't up to their usual standard. I have provided plently of other good evidence from medical professionals to not need another (I hope).

O, and ATOS mentioned the DDA, perhaps I need to write to them and let them know the equality act came in at the same time of the welfare reform act, and suggest they take a read of both? And the english really is as bad as my quoting.

I'm fat

Last night on dispatches the assessor was caught on camera talking about claimants in a derogatory fashion. Its just made me think. They called me fat to my face. Here is a copy of my PA4, my medical assessment.
I have mental health problems, tell me what relevance this "observation" is?