Monday, 2 October 2017
coming out as female
I have never had to outwardly say I am female, as it has always been assumed. I often have to correct people with my daughter, because she often wears blue, and joggers. As I did so I felt strangely vulnerable, giving me a taste of what non normative gendered people might feel when having to explain their difference.
But also it was very indicative of my recent experience, where I am attempting to "become someone new". I did this mainly through changing my clothes, and for the first time wanting to embrace my femaleness. Before giving birth to my 3 year old I had been pretty fluid in my dress sense, embracing both male and female clothes, exploring both "sides" of clothes shops to get clothes that relfected my identity. Since giving birth however, I have become more restricted in my clothing choices as my physical body has become more "female", and unwilling to fit into the male shaped clothes. Aside from the practical difficulties of having to negotiate the more complex female clothing size system, it has also meant a complete shift in my body image, identity and place in the world.
I found myself wanting to wear skirts and dresses and enjoying the experience of being more female. I had never really considered this before sitting in the room declaring myself as female before, but I would say, looking back, that for the last month I have become the most societal recognizable "female" that i have ever been.
This is a really important experience, as I have never considered before what actually makes me feel "female". I certainly didnt even consider how much power my clothing choices has on that gender identity, even when going through the process of changing those choices. This gender identity "shift" has not diminished or reduced my overall sense of self, but actually strengthened it once more. in the same way as I was previously happy being quite fluid in my dress sense and embracing "femaleness and maleness" in my dress sense, I get equal strength from this new choice. The strength, i feel comes from being confident in whichever identity one choices, and not the choice itself.
My three year old on the other hand is currently becoming gender aware and is what I like to call "gender curious". They was a boy yesterday morning, but then they decided half way through the day that they was now a girl. (this is perfectly normal and its just part of life) I just hope as a parent I can facilitate the journey through life as openly as my child needs me to be. :)
Friday, 22 September 2017
A new research project
Now, however I am not shaped like this, as becoming a Mum means hips, and hips that dont fit into mens clothes anymore.
I run into shops and out again as quickly as possible, hoping to find something that vaguely works with my bodyshape and price range and colour preferences. It doesn't usually go well.
Resigned to t shirts and leggings most of the time I decided that drastic action was needed.
However, having recently realised my love of applying theory and research to real life I decided to give it a try with clothes.
First off, the literature review. IE. the internet. I found some old how to look good naked shows on channel 4 online, and watched a few of them. As much as I dont want to look like the newly made up ladies at the end of the show, I didn't judge their choices, because as women we all have the choice of how we choose to wear, and these ladies choices had certainly transformed them into more confident versions of themselves. I took some interesting observations from this show. Different shapes of clothes corresponded to fitting best on different ladies body shapes. The idea with it is that the more the clothes suited your shape, the more condfident you felt in them. Seemed simple.
I then did a bit of research around the body positive movement. Basically wear beyond the rules of fashion, wear what you feel happy in and dont let anyone tell you different. I love this method of choosing clothes, but feel quite scared of this method, especially as there are no particular rules or guidelines. For a novice clothes wearer like myself, I needed a much stronger methodology for picking my sample size.
My final research area picked up on body shape. I did some research and found that there is such a thing as a body shape calculator, where you put your measurements in and out pops the shape you are and the clothes that suit that shape! So, after tackling the tape measure and entering the numbers into the boxes I found a shopping list of the clothes that would suit me. This as it were is my sample group. All I then needed to do was go out into the field and conduct some research to establish the presence of these clothes in shops, and see if any of them would suit my study enough to be my research participants.
As I went through the shops I found it a lot easier to look for clothes, as I was not shopping, but researching, and looking for certain clothes and shapes and cuts. All of this new knowledge gained through my literature review stage gave me some confidence in what I was looking for and took the pressure off.
As I headed to the fitting room with a few samples to "interview" them I did not find myself in a position of dread, but curiosity. Would these clothes really suit my shape, as the literature suggested? By taking my own personal feelings away from the process and simply looking at it as a matching process, it took away the guilt and body hang ups I have about my ever changing body. I de personalised the experience, so that when an outfit didn't fit, it wasn't about my bodies failure to conform to the standards of clothing, but the clothings failure to conform to my body shape. By taking photos of each outfit I could then use these later as a learning process and evaluate each item on how it worked. It could also inform future studies and future outings. Useful data, as it were.
It also meant that I felt confident enough to hand back the clothes without shamr that some of them didn't fit, as I was not involved in buying them, but doing research around body shape, and clothes shape.
In conclusion I found that the whole body shape thing really helped me discover and navigate through the world of womens clothes a lot easier. There are even a couple of shops out there who have virtual assistants that search by body shape. I am still conducting research, and not ready to move to the buying stage just yet.
But I am learning.
Monday, 7 August 2017
state sponsored abuse
I feel I need to comment too.
I claim personal independence payment. This entitled my husband to claim carers allowance for me and then claim income support for both of us. This worked really well because it meant we had a stable income and didn't have to worry too much about money.
Until it went wrong. I rang the DWP and informed them that I was no longer part of the couple claim and my husband was no longer entitled to carers allowance. As the second person on the claim I could not do anything with the claim. It had to be my husband who rang in. Slight problem there, as we were not really on speaking terms. The advice from the DWP was to report him (and therefore me) to the fraud line. This was the only way I could stop the benefits and start claiming something in my own right.
All this took time, leaving me with no money during a very difficult transitional time where I needed as much support as possible, and not having to spend time, effort and money ringing the DWP, fraud line etc. etc.
Not only that I still have to sort my housing benefit out, because I need to claim backdated that I had no income during the time that all this was going on.
It is all a big mess.
When I was speaking to a support worker about whether I had experienced domestic abuse, we went over the definitions of the different types. Financial abuse is
a form of domestic abuse.
- Controlling your bank account;
- Running up debts in your name;
- Stopping you from getting (or keeping) a job;
- Making you hand over your wages or benefits;
- Making you ask your partner – or others – for money;
- Stealing, taking or demanding money from you and/or;
- Not allowing you to spend money on yourself or your children; and
- Making you account for every penny you spend – for example by showing receipts
So, yes, thanks to the DWP and the way the benefits system works I was actually being financially abused. My question is though, who was the abuser, my husband or the DWP for putting me in that position in the first place?
Thursday, 25 May 2017
offensive language
The language used in the mainstream media and across social media in the last few days has really upset me. Whilst people seem to be careful around their use of the more racially and religiously sensitive words it seems this is not the case for health related terms. The words psychopath, nutter and nut job have been used so much to describe the person who carried out these attacks both in national newspaper headlines and in daily life.
I want to make it very clear that people who are mentally ill are not causally linked to evil acts. There may be some people who are mentally ill who do evil things, and there may be people who are mentally healthy who do evil things. But there are many more people with mental health problems who are not evil, nor do they do evil things. We live ordinary lives, have ordinary jobs and study in ordinary educational settings.
People who are mentally ill are so often stigmatised when it comes to violent and horrible acts. We are scapegoated and grouped together under this horrible title of nutter or psycho. It is damaging and it carries on the stigma that people with mental health problems have to cope with everyday on top of dealing with the effects of their own impairment and the massive barriers that already exist in society.
Be careful with your language. The word psycho and nutter/nutjob is the equivalent of some of the nastier racial slurs. The very fact I have written the ones regarding mental health and wouldnt consider writing the racial ones, just demonstrates the difference there is with both..
If you see it, challenge it, in just the same way as you should challenge someone using racist and religious based insults. It is wrong, and it is hurting people. Suggest other words that are better, because people often don't realise that there are better words to describe the characteristics of a person, such as evil, manipulated, coerced etc etc.
please think about what you are saying before you say it because it can cause offence.
Sunday, 12 February 2017
a broken leg?
"Ok, go and sit in the waiting room and I'll get someone to see you ASAP!
1 hour and a half later
Triage nurse calls you in
"Hi I think I have a broken leg, its hurting really badly"
"o, um, you'll need to see a specialist for that, I think I just seen them, go and sit back down and I'll get them to call you in"
Half an hour later
"Hi, yes, the specialist is with another patient now, but dont worry your next. I'll take you round to a ward to wait for them"
You are escorted to a cubicle with a couple of chairs to wait.
2AM the nurse pops her head round,
"o, your still here? um, lets see what I can find out"
At 2:15 you get a phone call from the specialist saying that because its 2 am theres not a lot they can do right now, and apologise that the day team didnt pass your case to the night team, but if you go home they'll get someone to ring you in the morning to discuss what the best option is.
11:30 am someone rings with an appointment to be assessed next wednesday. Its friday now, but you'll wait. Hopefully someone will help.
Wednesday
You go to the appointment and spend 45 minutes talking about your broken leg and at the end the assessor says that they have a team meeting on a friday and that he will take your case to them so they can discuss treatment options and he will give you a ring on friday.
Friday
"Hi, its the doctor from wednesday about your broken right leg (It was your left as you correct him, no apology,but a laugh) Of course. yes. thats right. So yes, we think it might need some help this leg, because as you say you are in pain. So what we are going to do is refer you to a pain management group, its a really great 5 week group course and I think its going to really help. Now I know you mentioned on wednesday you have been taking some painkillers, I think you need to perserve with those for the time being, because I am sure they will start to work soon. And Exercise, yes we think a nice bit of excercise will help to heal that broken arm of yours. I'll also want to see you in 5 weeks time to see how your going, bye.
The doctor monologues so you dont have time to respond to any of this.
------------------------------
You wouldn't accept this for a phyical health condition, you would expect to be treated. This is a slightly altered but pretty factual account of my experiences over the last 2 weeks of trying to get help for my mental health issue. First through the accident and emergency department and then through the local Community Mental Health Team. Everything the CMHT recommended I already have access to and am already doing (or have done before and its not been helpful, which was all mentioned during the assessment).
Saturday, 5 November 2016
Ableism in the teacher training curriculum: Some stuff I need to say
What I haven't revealed until now is the other half of that story. I was on a teaching course at the time. Studying to do a PGCE. As a direct result of the PIP medical's effects on my mental health I was forced to quit studying because of the concerns my placement had on my ability to teach their students (their words).
I have not shared this because I have been unable to. I have had to deal with the PIP process and appeal, which only ended in September, and then had to focus on starting my new course an MA in education. It is through this new course and my first assignment that I am now able to start to process what happened back in march.
I was studying a PGCE in further education teacher training, for disabled students. It is my firm belief that there needs to be more disabled teachers to teach disabled students, and this was my goal. I was only able to do this part time, but I was hoping to make a difference. But I couldn't even get through the PGCE year. Throughout my placement, in a special education college, I was forced to pass as a non disabled person. I was told not to reveal anything to the students, but seen other teachers doing just that about their personal life. What they actually meant was, don't tell them your disabled, don't reveal you are the same as them, as it was seen as a weakness and not a strength. The teachers I was working with had a deficit model of disability and impairment and couldn't see beyond that.
Ironically, one of them revealed my child to the group, which was seen as perfectly acceptable, but something I had chosen not to reveal in chosing the boundaries to operate in myself. I had to sit there (after being told off for discussing my history with the students) and listen to some really vile stuff about being disabled without being able to challenge it.
I am a politcally disabled person. It is part of who I am, and I am part of an oppressed minority in society. My impairment doesn't disable me, but the barriers, attitudes and access in society does.
There will be more to follow when I have written my first assingment about ableism in the teacher training community.
I want to leave you with this poem.
Wednesday, 26 October 2016
Being prevented from studying by reason of impairment
LI started a Masters course in September, a mere 2 weeks after my successful appeal of PIP. As you can imagine im not really fully functional and using this course as a recovery tool.
I would also like to say what an amazingly accessible course it is. Public transport is door to door and i have 3 hours of contact time a week, the Rest is self directed study which gives me unlimited flexibility to chose how and when i study.
That being said i still need extra adjustments because of the effects of my impairment and the incompatible nature of university life.
With that in mind i applied for disabled student allowance. I have been on this since 2007, again a reflection of how long it took me to get through undergraduate level study (i graduated in 2013).
Thanks to the changes at student finance to disabled students allowance this last year they will no longer fund a new needs assessment and state that my one from 2008 still stands and i should use the equipment from then.
Back then i was doing a full time undergraduate degree in photography, complete with mac and Photoshop recommended. I think that needs assessment in 2008 swapped my needs over onto a new course, the one i graduated from (education and disability studies). It was (in the main) full time. I was single at the time and living a big distance from uni. I think i got a computer running xp and associated assistive software. I think i upgraded sometime in 2011 to my current computer, but couldnt get the software to work (and failed to get it through dsa i think)
Fast forward to 2016. I am married now and have a child, and this is relevant. Im living closer to uni now and we have a car.
Because of my child and intersected with my impairment i can study for 2 hours a day. It is vital that i use this time as best i can.
Dsa have said i can continue to use my 2007 Dictaphone and the computers i no longer have, and the software that isn't compatible. Not only that i have 34 hours of mentor support. I need 52 weeks because that's the length of my course and over summer when theres no classes is when im going to really need it.
They have said that i can have a "review" of my needs, but that's not the same. As the social model of disability theory goes, i am differently disabled depending on the environment i access. This environment is completely different to under graduate level.
For the last two years i had the same battle for a dsa suitable for my needs. Unfortunately, due to the lack of support I had to quit that course before I could qualify and finish. But that was due to bot being allowed to be ill as a result of my PIP experience, so i think that was a bigger factor.
I wonder what this review will consist of and if when they send the report to dsa, they will actually take it into consideration?
Time will tell.