recovery

brain like mush. had appointment today.
had a complete breakdown in PIP medical because the noise from the persons medical next door was audiable and made me very distressed. the assessor said there wwere no other rooms available and i had no choice but continue or rebook an appointment again, but after the weeke  i had knowing i had it i couldnt hav gone through it again so i had no choice but try and continue.

i took a minute with my mp3 player and music to calm me down and had to listen to it for the resot of the interview.

i hope i answered ok becaus i was so distressed i was strugglign to form sentences.

now the long wait for the result.

making a complaint re appoinmtnet, it was extremely distressing and the appointment itself didnt feel private or confidential etc.

and it distressed me so much and i was forced to continue.

grr

the white letter.

I assume too many people weren't opening the brown letters of doom anymore, so they changed it to white, that or the letters are so scared of their contents that they turned white.

However, that aside I got my big white letter of doom today. I have a medical next week for my PIP transfer. I want to record, as best as I am able my journey and my feelings and everything here, because I hope it might help someone else. Not only that I believe that the personal is political and yea, this is personal but its also political. so here goes.

My first thought was that of fear. I have been waiting for this since september, when I got the original transfer letter from the DWP. It took both of us until the start of january to get my how my disability affects me form to them and 3 months to get to a medical stage.

I haven't had a medical before, I went into the support group of ESA without one, and my previous DLA medicals were at home, then decided by the extensive evidence that I provided from my specialist (the same ammount I provided now). I had hoped it would be enough.

Theres no mention of the evidence they have got already so im going to take a copy in case they lost it (its happened before).

After calming down with vast quantities of cake I have read some stuff on what to expect at a medical and It feels like its going to be horrible.

I feel like I am going to have to put on a show of disability for them. To show them how my mental health problems really afffect me. But then it struck me, that my whole life is more of a show, that the things I do on a daily basis to hide the effects of my condition and to try to "pass" as a "normal" person is the actual show. I have been doing it for so long I have stopped noticing I am doing it. There is a certain vunerability involved in feeling forced to show a complete stranger how your internal life looks externally. Thats what Im really scared of, looking normal.

DLA to PIP

I was "invited" to claim PIP last September. As of today I have handed in my how your disability affects you form, its receipt has been acknowledged so I am just waiting.

As of the 8th February my DLA claim officially ended. I am still entitled to DLA until my PIP decision has been made so I am getting interim payments of DLA, but it is still DLA.

Last Tuesday I received a payment of a quarter of my usual payment and on a different day. Confused I rang them on wednesday when I realised. I hate using the phone and even more so to ring DLA up. They were unhelpful and said I must have been moved onto weekly payments, but that I would get a call back to confirm this. I hate getting phone calls and usually have incoming calls blocked. So, unblocking the calls I eventually got an answer on friday to say that the payment was my final usual DLA but I was still claiming because of the transfer.

I thought that was the end of my nightmare. Nope, today we receive a letter from carers allowance because my DLA has been stopped. This also means that our income support and therefore our housing benefit might also be being stopped automatically. This means another week of ringing around, stress and waiting for answers, that we really dont need as a family right now. And I thought it was "automatic", yea right.

Not only that I applied back in january to my local council for my new bus pass. I explained the problem that I wont be getting my new award until they have decided on it and there are lots of delays. They asked for all the evidence saying it was ok. They have since decided not to give me a bus pass either, until I get my PIP decision. My bus pass got me and my Husband on the bus.

So, now it seems because of the delay to my PIP we are expected to live on thin air...

Have a Happy new year...

I want to share this, not because of my own part in it but because of the lovely response I got.

I was in town with my daughter today, just looking at the sales to see if there was anything worth having. Here in Sheffield we are feeling the brunt of the storms at the moment, not in flooding but it is cold and wet and today was really windy. Its certainly not a day to be out and we were shop hopping to keep warm.

I popped out of one shop and I passed a big issue seller. I didn't have cash on me but I apologised as I hurried past. He wished me a happy new year anyway to which I said you too, not really stopping to think, but more concerned about getting into the next shop out of the cold.

A few shops down was a bakers (they are everywhere in Sheffield by the way so its pretty easy to walk past one). It made me stop and think. I doubled back and asked the guy if he needed a drink or anything from the bakers. He starts putting his hand in his pocket asking if I could get him a sauasage roll, giving me a pound. I refused the money and asked him again for his drink of choice.

I came back to him with his sausage roll and hot drink. I went to hurry off again and he stopped me to reach into his bag. He gave me a christmas card. He was insistent and said he only gave these to special people and that I was to read the message and to keep the card special. I could tell he really meant it and was being sincere.

Here is the card.

On gender indentity, from the eyes of a ten month old (and her mum)

I could have cried in primark today. After a small (ok, massive) accident my lil one needed a new outfit. Shes currently in twelve to eighteen month clothes, which is of itself a challenge. Most baby clothes go up 12 months and most toddler clothes start at 18 months.

Anyway, that wasn't the problem. Rows upon rows of pretty dresses, flowers, bows and general fiddly and delicate clothes that were in various shades of pink invaded my eyes. Asking the sales assistant where the boys clothes were for 12-18 months, she shot me a look that said, but shes a girl but pointed out the small corner of "boys clothes".

I overheard a parent of a boy complaining. She said it wasnt fair that girls had all these clothes and boys had this corner (it doesn't change when they get older). I pointed out that it was equally unfair that girls had to wear pretty pink dresses all the time. The boys clothes were smaller versions of Dad and sometimes even grandad clothes, so very specifically "male".

I am not going to dress my baby girl in either mens or ladies clothes specifically. I am not making that choice. I want to dress her in baby clothes. Clothes that are suitable for her age and stage. At her age, where she is currently cruising around any piece of furniture that she can grasp, and crawling with varying degrees of speed and agility she needs clothes that arent going to be up at her waist after five minutes. Also, shes at the stage now where she happily grabs the fork or spoon full of food from your hand and rams it in to her mouth, sometimes hitting the inside. Shes nearly a toddler. She is discovering the world in her own very messy way. She will get muddy, she will get dirty, and her clothes will rip.

Just because she is a girl wont change that. She wont be sitting in her pushchair saying that crawling and walking and falling isnt for her because shes a young lady thank you very much. She wont be eating with a knife and fork and spoon with such elegance, because thats what young ladies do. She is, just like with any other baby a mess magnet.

As a parent, I need clothes that stand up to that assault. I need clothes that are allowed to get messy and not look like shes a ragamuffin. There is a time for pretty dresses, and there is a time for exploring the world. I dont want her clothes to stop her enjoyment or  restrict her. If you are lady, think about how easy it would be to crawl around in a dress. How uncomfy would it be? Its just not practical.

I have dungarees for her, I have jogging bottoms and pretty tops. Pretty tops that aren't white. Yes, she has some dresses, but she usually wears jeans underneath them. And yes, those jeans came from the "boys" section.

My hour of hell..

 I read this story with tears. Not just as any new mum would, but with my experience in hospital now right at the front of my mind. I want to share this story because it will at least help me to shout and scream and rant and say that it should never have happened. Its already starting to annoy me how the media are making links between her mental health and this incident.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-bristol-30334855

As a result of my impairment, and my impairment alone I was subject to a full social services assessment whilst pregnant with my first child. Although I asked how I was meant to prove that I was going to be a good mum when I wasn't a mum yet, no answer was forthcoming. The aim of the assessment was not, as it had been first put to me as a way of supporting me as a mum but for safeguarding my unborn baby.

The pressure we had as new parents was immense. Everything had to be perfect, we had to be prepared for things that most new parents hadn't even considered. Upon doing some research on the process we were following I found that mothers with mental health problems are put under scrutiny which results in them having to be better parents than other parents.

We were "lucky". Social services found that there were no serious issues with us and that we had passed the test of whether we could parent or not. By this point I was nearly 30 weeks pregnant and spent a lot of that time convinced I wouldn't be allowed to keep my child (despite reassurances to the contrary). When we finally got the report in writing to say that there would be no more involvement it was the best feeling in the world.

I went into hospital on the thursday and my baby was born at 17:02. On saturday we were all discharged by the medical doctors and were given the all clear to go home.

This was when the problems started. I spoke to my named midwife (every mum had a named midwife per shift) about going home. She said she would go and find out what the next steps were and came back five minutes later.

She stated that we were not going to be able to go home until she had social services approval that we could, as it stated this on my notes. She went on to explain that because it was saturday it wouldn't be done until monday.

My once rational (given new baby brain) head had now just turned to mush. I explained to her that  I could provide her with the report from social services stating we were cleared from their "support". I could provide her with x,y z of things stating similar. But no, she wasn't able to confirm this. As I broke down she did finally turn around and say she would attempt to discover the truth as she went out of the room.

I am so grateful for my Mum in law at this point. As it wasn't long after visiting my husband was now half way across the country taking his grandparents back home. If my Mum in law hadn't have been there I wouldnt have remained as calm as I did (which wasnt very calm).

All rational thought went out of my head and it felt like social services had lied and that my baby who I had spent the last 24 hours getting to know was going to be taken from me. I cant explain that feeling, I hope that most new parents will never have to. I was trying to work out every possible way out of that hospital with my baby. Despite in my logical head knowing that I was in the right and they had made a mistake, it didnt matter. At that point it was real. I couldn't even pick my baby up for a hug because they didnt feel like mine anymore.

Some time (about half an hour or so) later the midwife came back. All this time where I was seriously distressed I was left alone in a private side room with my child. I cant explain the potential risks with that decision, but Im sure i dont need to. She had cleared it up, it was a clerical error.

This was no relief. There was no relief until I was at home with baby a little while later. The special moment that I should have had to take my baby home from hospital was ruined because I felt like I was running away before they changed their mind.

I wrote and I was given an apology, which helped me to move on. But it is stories on the news that brings it all home to me. The judgement and scrunity, the assumptions and the labels and the hour of hell where I thought I wasn't going to take my baby home.

All because I have a mental health impairment.

Im not saying it was right or wrong, I just wanted to share my story and the pressure, judgement and scrutiny that I was under.

Dear Normal student

When I wrote my undergraduate dissertation I didn't think I would be undertaking more research on the same subject just over a year later. To be honest, I even didn't I was undertaking this research at the time. It is only upon reflection that I find myself the subject of my own research and really feel the need to share it.

My research concerned the concept of the normal student. I looked at undergraduate prospectuses and analysed them through the lens of normalcy. What I found was a set of institutions that had found their "normal" student and had tailored their prospectus to fit. If you didn't exist within that normal student framework you were either not mentioned, or mentioned in a specific way that roughly translated to "your a burden and we don't want you here", or thats how I read it. There are certain characteristics that mean you move closer to being that normal student and of course further away. Call it the universities equivalent of a catchment area, but based on you instead of where you live.

I graduated last year with a first class honours degree. I then slipped into doing things that "normal" 29 year old's do and got married and had a baby. It was around the middle of August that our family realised that the best option for our future would be for me to return to study and become the primary income earner.

I found the application difficult. There was no space for why we as a family needed me to study this course as it was all about me and why I wanted to. However, for the first time in my educational career it wasn't just me I was considering, or even why I wanted to study. I did, and I do have personal reasons for doing this. However, the overriding reason is to provide for my family unit. I didn't include this on the application as I felt that it wouldn't be received well.

I submitted the application and waited for a response. I was called for an interview on the first week of September. This is where it all falls apart. Whilst at the interview I was informed that the course was due to start in 3 days time. I had submitted my application in mid august and received the offer of an interview on the 15th August. There was no indication on there that this would be the start date. Freshers week wasn't for another two weeks.

Whilst I am not adverse to the concept that as a student there are certain sacrifices you have to make in order to study, this left no time for  your average "abnormal" student to arrange things like childcare, or disability support, or other minor details like moving home and other such minor technicalities. As a normal student at this institution, it would appear that you needed to have the ability to drop everything and turn up to start a course in three days time prepared and ready to study.

Upon completion of the interview I was promptly told that I wasn't going to be offered a place. After a week or so I received feedback as to why.

I had apparently arrived at the interview ill prepared. This was due to the fact that I had failed to provide my English and Maths GCSE certificates, Degree certificate and photo Identification. Fair enough you say, but let me explain in more detail the reasons why this isn't "fair enough" and actually a really big barrier to the abnormal student (and something pretty ironic and funny at the same time).

I spent the whole three weeks before my interview preparing for it. When I say preparing for it, I mean ripping apart my house to find my GCSE certificates which seem to have mysteriously vanished off the face of this earth. As I mentioned I have recently got married and had a baby. This involved moving house. For anyone who has moved before I don't need to explain the chaos that surrounds you for it appears months and perhaps even years on end after the event. This is made somewhat harder by the fact that I was pregnant at the time of moving so things are still a little out of place with us having a new born baby. But, this isn't the biggest problem, or the reason why I consider this to be an attack on the abnormal student, although it is a part of it. I did my GCSE's fourteen years ago. When I rang my old school up they couldn't even tell me what exam boards they used for my year or even had any computer records for me. I did my GCSE's in the year 2000, computer records didn't exist. I am a relatively young student. For any mature student this requirement is a bit restrictive, especially when one considers that this is for a post graduate course and that I have a degree (did I mention I got a first?). I find it strange that so much merit is placed on a qualification that I received as a sixteen year old. The irony is that I was under the false impression that universities needed to see these upon enrollment. Yes, that's right, I studied at the same university at undergraduate level, and graduated last year. I did mention that they needed to see my degree certificate... mmhmm..

Without revealing the subject area (which I am reluctant to do as I want to preserve anonymity) it is difficult to highlight this. However, in all areas of post graduate and even undergraduate study it is of vital importance to have a certain level of English and Maths. However, I have forgotten most of, if not all of my GCSE level work. That's not to say I'm not competent in these areas, its just to say that using my GCSE certificates is not an accurate measure of these competencies. My degree required a certain level of English which I am sure is the equivalent to a GCSE. I live independently and manage my finances to a reasonable standard. Again, I am sure this shows a level of functional maths skills that is equivalent to GCSE maths.

This restricts the abnormal student from applying and studying at a university if they either don't have or can't provide their GCSE certificates. In this case the abnormal student could be "mature" or "disabled" or even "international" or from other non traditional educational backgrounds.

I couldn't provide them with photographic identification. Whilst this isn't entirely true, the sentiment is accurate. My passport is still in my maiden name. I haven't used it since getting married and I have been busy changing my name on all the other records that various organisations have on me (including this institution). It costs 90 pounds to change your passport if you are a female who changes their name by marriage. You have to buy a brand new passport. It's not the top of my to do list. I was rudely asked for my driving license instead. However, I can't drive on medical grounds. I provided them with a copy of my marriage certificate and my passport. This wasn't good enough. This is a double blow to the abnormal student. The ones who can't drive for legitimate reason, or that don't have the need for a passport, or who have got married. I hasten to add that my marriage certificate was enough evidence for the institution to change my name on their records to produce my degree certificate in my married name. It is also sufficient evidence for a DBS check, and even a credit card application. 

The other point was my lack of experience within education. Again I will attempt this without revealing the subject area but it could be hard. The requirement for subject specialist knowledge and experience at post graduate level is not unusual or unexpected. However, what this institution have said to me is that my experiences don't fit within their very specific and narrow framework of what is "relevant" or essential to starting their course.

Aside from my vast experience of supporting students within education through placement work and similar activities, I have spent the last 14 years within post compulsory education, and of course before that within compulsory education. As a student who carries the label of being disabled I have had my fair share of both positive and negative experiences of this sector, and it is from those experiences that I became motivated to study. It wasn't from supporting other students but my own authentic experiences of actually being there and studying within education. My debate on the tuition fee rises doesn't come from the classroom through theory or taught knowledge, but my own experience of seeing the impact that this has had on education whilst I have been studying. I started within higher education when there were no fees, and watched as the government put the fees up how the students and institutions reacted to that. The theory helps to explain it, but I apply my experience to theory and it mixes  it together to make it come alive. But all this experience was dismissed outright. I didn't have a good enough level of educational experience.

This dismissal of the abnormal surprised me at first. But then I thought back to my dissertation and research project which highlighted that it wasn't unexpected. It is a shame though, that by failing to account for the abnormal during the admissions process we are simply ignored and even more under represented in the higher education system, which makes me even more determined to carry on fighting and highlighting these inequalities and the discrimination that exists, even if it is under cover and systemic considered standard practice.