friends plus

I don't have many friends. Thats not a cue to feel sorry for me though, I like it like this. The few good friends I have I know whats what with them, and I'm not forever second guessing if they still like me, I know they do, on the whole. However, recently I have noticed something about these friendships thats a bit weird and wanted to share and see if its a common thing?

I call it friends plus because as a disabled person, people never seem to be 'just' friends. Even its a stupid little thing like buying the drinks, there always seems to be that unwritten rule that being my friend involves a little bit extra. I don't expect it, or even demand it, it just seems to happen like that.

As time goes on and friendships develop and we get to know each other more, then so do the extra things that happen. I know that this happens in most friendships, but it seems different somehow as a disabled person. There are unwritten rules involved as people get to know me, and more importantly my limitations. I don't say that this is disabling, of course not, its enabling, but its just weird that there is some sort of care (in the professional sense) involved in all of my really good friendships. It places an extra expectation and an extra dimension onto the friendship.

Its similar to a loved one, like a family member or partner being expected to care for someone if they can no longer do it themselves, but in a less intense, obvious way. I hope its not, and I don't think it is a negative thing. If you like me you have to look after me a bit sometimes too is to me, like saying I accept all of you all of the time, regardless of what that means. I guess its just the way its done. If a friend expected me to be grateful for whatever it is they do for me then I think it would get tiresome, but with my friends helping me recover from a fit is just the same as sitting and chatting over a coffee. Its just a part of everyday life.

In some ways I am grateful that I am open about being disabled, because at least I know I have good friends and ones I can rely on. They also know they can rely on me, because of that openness. If they need me, they know I will help them out too, it goes both ways, just in a slightly different way sometimes.

It does affect the balance of control in a friendship though. Sometimes my friends are very much in control and being a care giver as oppose to a friend, and at times it is hard to think of yourself as any more than just a burden. But thats when my friends turn around and remind me that its just part of life, and the balance restores itself.

the boundaries are blurred with any friendship, but I really think that with a disabled person it can be more extreme and sometimes difficult to manage, but perhaps thats just me....