the opposite of independence...

is not dependence..

I had a conversation yesterday, and its going me thinking. I was explaining how I wanted to be more independent, and the response I got was, so who are you dependent on?

But, having thought about it a lot, independence for me is not the opposite of depending on someone and relying on someone, it is the inability to be able to properly and effectively manage day to day life, whatever that might be.

It isn't a simple black and white concept. I consider myself quite independent in that respect thank you. I have lived in my own flat for 4 years, I manage my money up unto a fashion, and manage to survive at uni. But...

theres always a but. As I look around my flat, I always question, is there more to life than this (not in a religious type way). Is there more than a constant battle against an untidy flat, washing dishes, getting up in the morning, getting through the day without crying or having a meltdown, that sort of thing.

I can manage at home, but I don't call it living at the moment, I call it surviving. The 3 month backlog of dirty clothes thats in the bath that the cat likes to sleep on is testament to that. If I get an unexpected bill, or a direct debit has a problem I can't cope. It feels to me like walking on a thin ice of independence, something that I want to strengthen. I would love to be able to cook myself a main meal, to be able to get a direct bus, straight home without worrying about the journey or using a weird and personalised route.

So, weirdly, and ironically enough, as I think the case is for other disabled people, independence actually means dependence. It is about knowing who, where and when to be able to ask for help. To know your limitations, and not see it as a weakness to say, actually, yes,  I can't do this on my own. That to me is independence. The ability to manage my life in a cohesive and structured fashion, based on the limitations of living in a disabling society. It is not about being proud that you are not being dependent on anyone, but being proud that you rely on other people to achieve tasks, but remain in control of your own life, that is to me is what makes you independent.

I am starting slowly on that journey of independence, but its really hard to ask for help, because as was demonstrated society sees that as a sign of weakness, but for me, I need to see it as a sign of strength.