Theory doesn't make the pain go away, but it explains why its there in the first place

I learnt about this theory during my course the other week. It basically says that even the most hardened disabled person will still have emotional side effects of being a disabled person, and if you look through the world with the social model lens then when the world discriminates against you.

I learn the theory, I can even even think of times when its happened to me, but then when it happens again no ammount of rationalising the theory makes the pain and hurt and guilt and blame etc go away.

Even though I know and I believe in the social model, when someone discriminates against you whether indirectly or directly because of your disability and impairment you still blame yourself and not society. And that is the essence of the pyscho emotional effect of disability.

It happened to me tonight, and its not even something that I ever found to be particularly disabling before, which makes it harder. I was at an event which was being held outside. There was a number of different factors that were at play. My knee hurts due to a lack of exercise (mental health and depression related) so I was struggling to stand up, my general low mood, being suspectable to sensory overload, and crowds but the main issue is my under active thyroid. This makes me sensitive to the cold. I tried, I really did try to stay outside. but then it got so bad I couldn't stand it anymore, i needed to be warmer. My first reaction (luckily) was to go and get a bus home, but I talked myself out of that because I was with a friend and thats just not fair.

So i reasoned that if i went inside the venue for 5 minutes to warm up, that I could try again. so, thats what I did, or at least tried to do. A steward blocked my way. I said but you don't understand I NEED to go inside, he repeated again, no sorry you can't. So I then (luckily I had 'bus plan' in my head) said I'l go home then.

I say luckily at this point because it tripped my brain into that plan of getting me home. If that plan hadn't have been there already I feel sure I would have collapsed because I experience stress related blackouts, especially when I have reached my limitations and, well in situations like this.

I am now beating myself up for this, despite the perfectly rational logic that I know its not my fault, and its their fault and it shouldn't have happened. It has left me feeling low again, and fragile. I can only explain my mood as walking on thin ice, I am ok as long as I am careful and don't put too much stress on the ice, but as soon as I slip or fall in i realise how fragile I am.

I feel bad for my friend who missed the event, as for myself. I feel bad I didn't say something else, i just feel horrible.

and I am a third year disability studies student who has just learnt about it in theory. The theory doesn't help in the practical application though... it just might make it slightly easier after the event to reflect on it.

Theory doesn't make the pain go away, but it explains why its there in the first place.