I need HELP

aka cooking for crips.

Does anyone have a list of rules when it comes to the kitchen? They might be unwritten, but they govern your cooking habits. well these are mine.

and I need help, because now, its become even more restrictive as to what I can eat...

1) No knives. I have the eating type knives and a lettuce knife but apart from that nothing else.

2) no hob. After many fires, accidents and disasters i no longer use the hob

3) No grater (see above)

4) tins.. questionable? I'm left handed, so the tin only opens sometimes.

5) I have a microwave saucepan, which is great! but i only have one.

6) I have a electric food processer, but only have the grater and slicey type attachement (see rule 1)

7) I dont like using the oven, but when I do, I have massive oven gloves and an oven timer or i will forget.

8) I can't wash up, so anything used has to stay used for that cooking session. I have a dishwasher that takes 2 hours.

9) Peelers are the same as graters

10) (i live on my own, so no extra hands to help)

11) i do have a kettle Yipeee!

12) i have a thing about useby dates. and i also have a thing about shopping, so that sometimes means interesting meals come from my kitchen

13) I cant concentrate for a long time, or follow a recipe. Mainly because the recipece usually has to be adapted for me, or its too hard to get my head round what they mean.

14) I have limited space, thanks to the landlords decentless home scheme...

15) I wont buy un cooked meat. I will only buy cooked meat, its too risky.

I think thats all of them. And then, as of last tuesday I have very little in the way of teeth and chewing capability. So far the only things i have found to eat are mash potato, pasta and scrambled egg...

I NEED HELP, anyone?