Traumatic times

In the last few days there have been several references and comparisons made to being at war, and how this government has to respond as a war time government would. Until I read this thread (contains swearing) on twitter  link to thread I hadn’t made the connection to our own personal response to the situation. I have experienced trauma based mental health problems for a number of years, and as part of my recovery and healing I have done a lot of research into this area.

I can now see trauma in people’s behaviour, actions and reactions. I can see it in my own reactions. It is pretty common knowledge how many soldiers experience trauma during war, so it’s not a big stretch to see how we as untrained and unprepared civilians are going to be experiencing traumatic reactions to our attempts at fighting the pandemic caused by corona virus (Covid-19).

People who are panic buying are reacting to their bodily response to trauma inflicted upon it. It goes back to our caveman instincts of hunting and gathering for survival. It’s not that people are being selfish or not thinking of others, it’s just that they are not thinking at all. There are people who are carrying on as normal which is another traumatic response, one of denying the trauma even exists. These are not thought through reactions but automatic responses to traumatic events.

You may be experiencing some really weird stuff going on in your bodies right now, but that’s because our bodies are set up for protecting us from danger. Right now, as the news gets worse and the impact is being felt our brains have effectively rung the fire alarm. When this happens, our logical thinking brain shuts down and all the brains power is focused on fighting the fire or the trauma. This part of our brain doesn’t think, it reacts. It is designed for our survival and means we can quickly reacting to a situation without thinking slowing us down. It is completely natural for this to be an exhausting time for you, as your brains are working overtime trying to process the information and protect you from threats and trauma. Not only that, there are physical symptoms of trauma that our bodies display. Our whole body is under stress and it may struggle to cope.

It is very difficult to convince our automatic response to the situation to switch off and that everything is OK, when there are clear signs it’s not. When you can’t convince your brain you’re not experiencing trauma, you can at least remind it that it’s not all traumatic. There are things we can do, to at least dampen the effects of the trauma on us and those around us.

Keeping your thinking brain active with something simple, proactive and positive stops it thinking negatively and quietens the fire alarm. Planning activities to do, playing board games, planning food, writing, drawing and similar activities are good distractions for your brain to focus on and to keep it feeling calmer. If you are finding that something specific is worrying you, then trying to find a positive solution to that worry can keep your mind thinking rather than reacting with panic. For example if you are worried about the food situation, going shopping in your kitchen and thinking of what meals you can make with what you have in stock may just surprise you. It also means you can be more focused if you do need to go shopping on what you are missing to make a meal. If you are wanting to carry on as you normally would, which might seem like a good idea, it is important to gently nudge your brain into reality. Your brain is protecting you from being completely overwhelmed with what is really happening which is really great. . If you are struggling to cope with the situation and feeling helpless, the positive response is exactly the same. Balance your consumption of the news with other news. Restrict yourself to a short exposure. If your brain needs nudging into or out of reality then filtering that reality makes it easier to process.

You can also use a technique known as grounding. It is a process of re attaching your body to reality, which in this situation means the good bits, the stuff that isn’t traumatic and scary.

Thankfully this is a pretty easy process. You don’t have to look far to find something positive. Look to the people around you, perhaps out to nature and how spring is still happening regardless. Grounding encourages us to focus on engaging our senses. I have always found that I associate certain songs with happy memories, or the taste of something makes me feel better. If you struggle with this it may be worth gathering some things together to create a grounding kit that can help you when things get overwhelming. Preparing a music playlist, some tv or films to watch, things to eat, smell or touch also provides your thinking brain with a task to focus on that is both positive and distracting.

As we face an uncertain future away from familiar routines and freedom we need to be gentle on ourselves and the people around us as we try to navigate it. Acknowledging that this is traumatic for everyone is an important step to take. There is a wealth of information on the internet about trauma and our reactions to traumatic experiences if you want to look into it further (again, a task for our thinking brains).

Remember though, that our  thinking brains are going to be impaired at the moment. However, it is even more important that our brains are provided with stimulus to keep them active, even if it is difficult. Reducing our expectations, rather than not having any at all may seem tough, but it will allow our brains to switch off or at least reduce the noise of the fire alarm and panic, even for a little bit.

Recognising the situation is traumatic reduces the expectations on everyone to function normally. It allows for everyone to be scared, and to be able to talk about it. It also provides an opportunity to try and reduce the longer term impact of this experience on us. We can start to do this by connecting with other people. The ideal connection would be physical, but connecting with each other online is still essential for our long term mental health. Search out like minded people, spend time every day chatting to someone, either on the phone or the internet. Getting to know people during this difficult time can make a positive difference to you and the person your connecting and reaching out to.

We can provide each other with an anchor in this stormy sea whilst we ride out the storm. Knowing that we are not going through this alone will strengthen our ability to cope with the storm The storm will end, and we will heal together, by continuing to anchor each other against the trauma and its effects on us.

Does feeling more connected to nature lead us to be more connected overall?

I often battle with a feeling of disconnection. From life, from people, from everything really. However, since starting to think about nature in a completely different way and becoming  more connected to it, I have also noticed that I have become a more connected person in other areas of my life.

Nature to me was always this big thing that happened "out there", in the countryside, and in a forest or a wood. It was something you went to, and something that you did intentionally. However, since starting to notice natural elements in my day to day life, and feeling that these fragmented elements of nature are also an equally valid representation of, and a big part of nature I have changed my mindset.

Now, even on a cold grey morning when I go on the bus into town or just walking round town. Even when I am sitting at my computer with the crack of my curtain open, I notice the colour of the sky, how the temperature is making me feel. I notice the art work that some people call graffitti that lights up dank alleyways. I notice the cracks in the pavement that have little bits of green in them.

I have even started to appreciate the seasons more. I dont think December is an easy month, as it feels cold and unwelcoming. However this is part of life, and an important one, as it allows animals to rest, and vegetation a chance to re generate and re new. The darkness of december makes me appreciate the summer more.  It makes me notice the contrast in the trees and the colours that are around.

This connection that I feel now to nature is creeping into other areas. It is the idea that it does not matter if it is a single leaf or a forest of trees, that it still counts and still matters means so much. It means that the little things that I can do every day do make a difference and it is worth trying. The fragments of connections are worth collecting, curating and reflecting on. They are an important part of my story, and an important part of my journey through darkness and mental health difficulties.

The bridge that connects both of these things together for me is my creativity. I can express what is on the inside in so many different ways, and use creative outlets to process how I am feeling. I am using words and images to connect with myself and connect with nature.

I was watching this film earlier, it wasnt very good (which seems to be a habit of mine) aside from this one quote which I leave here:

Each painting is different, whether its good or bad it means something to the person painting it.

They choose the colour they chose the brush, and the way that brush touches the canvas and leaves a mark. Its like they are leaving a mark with their voice and their heart.

Kat Abernathy colour me you.

Ugh

I hate myself sometimes. Ok, most of the time. That's not to be pitied, but something that's fact and something I fight against.

And fighting is hard. I know I struggle a lot with day to day stuff but I still give this pretense of functioning across which is a protective barrier to hide behind.

When reality clashes with my fairytale life, when I am so bluntly exposed to the fact that I am ill and that even the simplest thing of going to a course that I love every week is a challenge, and one that I keep failing at I get embarrassed at myself, at my weakness. So then I get even more upset and make myself worse, because not only did I not go to the course but I didn't go because I couldn't face it.

And I think that even the fact that when I do go I scare myself at how my mind ends up on paper, drawn, written, in such a way that I am actually happy with it. When I struggle so much with self esteem it is so hard to take pride in my work and there is so much shame attached to it.

So here I am, making myself vunerable, because if I don't then I won't go back, and I love the course, and the people and I hate myself for missing it.

When self care isnt so caring..

I have been thinking alot over the last few days about how I can look after myself better. I thought I would start, as it seems where I always start when faced with a problem, or when looking for a solution by analysis. I can then hopefully work out what I can do better, and what I am currently doing thats not so good.

So, I started a diary, and in that diary, I had some things to note about the day. Things I do for myself, things I do for others, things I do for my child, for the house and things that I do that are not so good. I noticed, as I think most people do, my life is pretty out of balance when it comes to doing things for myself in comparison to things I do for other people.

Something I have started to do for myself is to turn off the internet and the computer when I go to sleep. I have noticed that it is a really important thing to do, as it means when I wake up in the morning I am putting myself first, having breakfast, reading a book etc. before even thinking about emails or anything on the internet.

However, what I am also noticing, especially today, which has always been a "blah" day, is how there are things that I am noticing that I do in the name of "self care" that aren't actually caring for myself, when I look at it analytically. Spending all day asleep is disrupting my sleep patterns and is not good for self care, I could find other things that are relaxing to do that would be much better, like having a bath, or reading. I got a take away tonight, again thinking this is a good "self care" activity. However, its not really, because its not healthy, so not looking after my body, and it also means I haven't eaten very much during the day.

I find this process really revealing, and tomorrow I am determined to be more self aware of what I do in the name of self care, to make sure it is actually caring, and improving my overall health and outlook on life.

My PIP assessment

I had my PIP assessment a few weeks ago now. I requested the report of the assessment as soon as I could, and it is only now I feel able to share what it says, as it has taken me this time to process, "accept" and understand what it says.

Firstly, as far as these reports go, this one was pretty accurate. It recorded with about 90% accuracy what I said at the interview. The problems start with how those things were interpreted in context to the evidence I provided and the evidence the assessor had to hand.

My PIP claim was a renewal claim, previously won at appeal. The questionnaire was filled in, as one would expect, based on my current award of PIP, which I received at appeal. Simple, right? Well no, it seems not. The assessor doesn't seem to have access to this information, and somehow (which is very odd when you think about it) thought that I was renewing a zero claim for PIP after 2 years. Thats right, when the renewal form asks if there has been any change in my condition, and the response was no, the assessor has referenced this to my last PIP report (a zero score one) and not my appeal result (a 13 point one). So therefore, according to the assessment report, I have no functional difficulties, because I reported no changes to my no functional difficulties last time. Completely missing out the 6 months of anguish and pain I suffered to take it to appeal, gather additional evidence and win my appeal.

Not only that, a piece of medical evidence that I provided, both for this claim and my appeal, states clearly that psychotherapy is the treatment of choice for my condition. Now, cleverly, the assessor has managed to turn this evidence against me stating that although I am receiving psychotherapy it is not medically indicated as per my medical evidence. Huh, you may say, huh indeed. This is where it may get complicated for those who may not have a grasp of basic English language (no offence intended). What my medical evidence states, which is a letter written by an NHS consultant is that as I am already in receipt of privately funded psychotherapy, this is more suitable for my needs, as it is long term and any NHS psychotherapy they can offer is relatively short term in comparison, therefore it is a discharge from NHS provision back to my private psychotherapy, WITH THE NHS CONSULTANTS full support.

It really feels like they are scraping around trying to find any reason at all to deny people PIP, and those reasons above are really shockingly bad. I have written to the DWP, as thankfully there is at least a 6 week delay in them processing assessments. I hope that the DWP consider very carefully my letter. Because it truely is ridiculous.

Jay, I cared

Tw: sucide and drugs/alcohol

Its the 4th August 2018. I lose track of the years, but this day is the anniversary of my friends death. She died thinking no-one cared about her, and I try to make sure no one else dies thinking that.

Jay was 17, I met her at college, full of ambition and life. She opened my eyes to a whole new world (if you went to a nightclub when it opened the bouncers weren't there yet). I tried to get her through college. My proudest moment was when she went to an exam, because of me and my persistence. We were the only 2 people that could answer what an advocate was, because of our experience in "the system".

She wanted to be a DJ, or a social worker, because she could do better than the social workers who had worked with her. Jay had a difficult life. She lived in the foyer, a local shelter for young people. She had problems with drugs and alcohol. 

She had an overdose that year, it was when I walked away from her life. I was the only sober person that night who was able to get an ambulance and save her. She wanted me to lie, tell everyone her drink had been spiked. I couldn't do that, one of the hardest decisions I made. I had hoped it would shake her into going straight, but it didn't.

The day I got my a level results was the day I found out she had gone. 

Now, there is hope, because of her. Now, there are people who patrol beachy head to show people they care. They started a year after she went. They have reduced suicide there significantly. Just by showing people that someone cares.

Please, today, tell someone you care about them. Tell them before they're gone they are loved and they'll be missed if they go. Don't wait til it's too late. Reach out now. 

This is an article written about what happened.

http://www.eastbourneherald.co.uk/news/local/tragedy-of-a-lonely-teenager-who-nobody-cared-about-1-1436413 

TRAGEDY OF A LONELY TEENAGER WHO NOBODY CARED ABOUT

Published on the  12  February 2004 12:39

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HORRIFIED witnesses saw a 17-year-old girl throw herself off Beachy Head after telling them that 'nobody cared'.

Jazamin Richardson, known as Jay, was spotted sitting on the edge of the 500ft drop and swigging out of a Coke bottle.

Student  Kate Marshall, one of a group of friends who were having a picnic at  the beauty spot on August 3, tried to talk Jay out of jumping and asked  her friends to call the police.

But Jay told the officers, who raced to the scene, that she was going to have one last drag of her cigarette and then jump.

'I became aware of somebody sitting on the edge,' Miss Marshall told the Eastbourne inquest.

'She was sitting and then standing up then sitting very close to the edge of the cliff.

'She seemed to be drunk. She looked like she was going to jump. We called our friends and asked them to call the police.'

Miss Marshall then approached Jay, who lived at the Eastbourne Foyer before being admitted to hospital, and talked to her.

'I  did not ask her why, I asked her where she was from. She said she had  escaped from the hospital in Eastbourne the night before.

'She reached into her jacket and got some cigarettes.

'I asked if I could have one and I asked her to come and smoke one with us.

'She said no, but she did throw the cigarettes back to me.

'I was turning round to get a light from a passerby and Craig came up with the police.

'She kept saying she wanted to jump. We kept saying - please don't do it. She was saying that nobody cared.'

Jay then said she was going to take one last drag of her cigarette and then jump.

PC  Sasha Coote, who had just arrived at the scene, begged the teenager not  to jump, but she turned to face the drop and then stepped off.

PC  Coote's colleague PC Derrick Wood told the inquest that when he arrived  at the cliff, Miss Marshall was lying down on the edge talking to Jay.

'Jay was standing right on the edge. I asked people to move away.

'I stepped away to use my radio, which took a little bit of time.

'Jay's speech was slurred and she was extremely distressed.

'She was willing to talk to PC Coote but not willing to move away from the edge.

'She said she was going to jump, no matter what she said. She seemed really concerned that we get people away from her.

'She then turned so she faced the sea, lifted her arms up and stepped off.'

Coroner  Alan Craze recorded a verdict of suicide and added, 'In this case it  was observed by a large number of people, none of which were in any  doubt.'

Friends had thought Jay had turned her life around at the Eastbourne Foyer, in St Leonards Road.

She  had plans to become a DJ and was taking her GCSEs at Park College. The  Herald interviewed Jay a year ago, when she had been living at the Foyer  for six months after family problems caused her to leave home.

She had completed a Prince's Trust scheme, joined Park College and was full of plans for the future.

Staff and residents at the Foyer were deeply distressed to hear of Jay's death.

A  spokesperson said at the time, 'Until recently, Jay had lived at the  Eastbourne Foyer and during that time had been a proactive member of the  Foyer community.

'In the early part of the year Jay had  been involved in a photography project run by the Foyer and a poster  featuring Jay was chosen as the poster image for a national conference  preventing youth homelessness held in May.

'Jay will be sadly missed by the residents and staff that she had befriended during her time at the Foyer.'

How much is ten pounds to you?

A tenner, 10 bob

Ten quid or ten pounds

How much is it really worth?

As I put my 4 in to the hole in the wall

And a shiny new note fast appears

before it slips from my hand

into fine grains of sand

I think for a minute of its worth

I can spend it so quick

With a swish and a flick

And the invisible money has gone

Writing what those ten pounds could buy

Changes the money from none

Into a complex sum

Of what its actually worth .

Ok, so I think what that note represents

My mind thinks first of food

Perhaps 2 or 3 meals fast and ready,

Or one in a place which is more slow and steady.

However, if it comes with me into a shop,

That ten pound note is worth quite a lot

If im careful and count

I can get pasta, veg, meat and a drink,

Perhaps even a treat

And it might actually last just a week.

So what else could I buy with ten pounds?

Perhaps ten items from poundland

a book, a toy, a craft or some tins,

perhaps a dvd, or some cheap unbranded tea.

I could go on a spree

My ten pounds and me,

If I went shopping on sale.

But then my mind

Turns to more serious things,

Like transport for a week,

Or a train ride, return to see boo,

And it could go to my rent as well.

And gas, electric, or phone,

Those things might last longer

But still do I ponder,

 What more I could do with ten pounds?

I remember once ten pounds was enough,

To give clean water to a family for life

It certainly is true that ten pounds

Could go far if given away

Perhaps man a phone line

Or provide cups of tea

Or even a meal, or perhaps even three.

What value does ten pounds hold for me?

A lot more if I stop and think carefully.

It can go towards food, clothing and bills

(5 tshirts for a tenner in some stores)

As I think about this fact

I am stopped in my tracks

And vow to not tap and run

To stop the grains of sand

And to keep a more careful hold

of that ten pound note

that I didn’t care so much about.