Harry Potter and the aftermath

Harry was struggling to cope with the enormity of it all. Whilst he was happy enough during his time at Hogwarts, he had never known pain or sadness like it. He had tried ignoring the pain, sadness and anger for fear it would render him a gibbering wreck but his efforts didn’t seem to be working. Or that was the opinion of Hermoine, and she was always right.

He had been visiting Molly Weasley in secret, during work hours, on the pretence of investigating a dark wizard in the general area. His work performance was pretty poor, but as he had killed the greatest dark wizard of all time, the other Aurors didn’t really notice. His position at the office was more ceremonial than anything else anyway. Harry didn’t really need the job anyway. He had signed an exclusive deal with the Weasleys Wizarding Wheezes shop, now run by Ron and George, which meant they could sell “official” Harry Potter items, in exchange for Harry receiving a small percentage of the profits. Harry particularly liked the mini flying Harry Potter on a small broomstick, like the one of Victor Krum destroyed all those years ago by a jealous Ron. He wasn’t so keen on the exploding wands named after his battle with Voldemort, but it was popular so he allowed it. 

Unlike the other Weasleys Molly seemed to understand Harry. She was always happy to see Harry during the day, as she was lonely now her children were either at school, working or… gone. She had added Harry to the family clock, which Harry loved and hated at the same time. He knew there was only a space there because of him, because of what he had done. 

They appreciated each others company, and often that didn’t involve the need for words. Harry was as happy helping Molly with the chickens or de gnoming the garden as  sitting listening to the wireless or just having a chat over a nice drink he had often been sent as a gift. 

That day though, Molly was sitting at the kitchen table. It was empty and scrubbed clean. She seemed different somehow thought Harry as he walked in. She looked more serious and sat differently. 

“Sit down Harry” she almost ordered. 

Harry sat down, not daring to speak. He felt that Molly had not finished talking, but had merely paused to allow Harry to sit. He did so, the chair felt more noisy than usual as it scrapped across the kitchen floor. He pulled into the table, resting his wand upon it. Molly continued.

“ Harry, Harry, Harry.” she paused to reach across the table and grabbed hold of Harry's arms. 

“ Not many people know this about me, but before I was pregnant, I was training to be a healer at Saint Mungos. I was fresh faced, just out of school and full of all these ideas. I was really good at it too, according to my teacher. Perhaps though, a little too good, or perhaps I should say different. I was very much like Arthur back in those days, into muggle healing techniques as much as wizarding ones. It was very much frowned upon though, just as it is still. I did my final project on it. How we could use the muggle ideas around mental health and illness in the wizarding world. The treatment then at Saint Mungos, and it hasn't changed much even now, is to simply perform a spell to counter whatever it is that isn’t working. You know, if you were depressed they would admit you for an intensive course of laughter therapy, chuckling charms, tickling charms, that sort of thing. 

Unfortunately though, for people like you, they may simply take away the memories that are causing you pain.” 

She stopped. It was the first time this fact had been acknowledged out loud between them. Although this was an unspoken truth, Molly felt it could no longer remain so. As she looked over at Harry, whose cheeks were now being flooded with silent tears that had been waiting to come for many years. Molly stood up and guided Harry to the sofa, she did not speak further, but pulled Harry into her. She had said enough for now. She didn’t want to overwhelm Harry and waited for him to cry for as long as he needed to, and to speak when he was ready. 

Harry sat, enveloped for what felt like forever, but was only 2 minutes before he spoke. He was worried he might not be able to stop when he started, but he didn’t feel able to hold it in much more.

“I had been tempted to go to Saint Mungos, to get rid of all the pain. It sounded so simple. But then I remembered, and I remembered and I don’t think I could stop remembering, even with the most advanced memory charm there is. And I’m not sure I want to stop remembering. But it hurts Molly, I really hurt. How can I hurt so much?

Molly had no answers for him directly, because she too was hurting alongside Harry. However, she felt able to offer Harry help, so she continued.

“I was kicked out for this idea Harry and disgraced. It’s why I get so worried about Arthur dabbling in all this muggle stuff. It's dangerous. It seems both wizards and muggles are scared of things they don’t understand even if it might do them good. Dumbeldore though, he was impressed with my idea. He thought it might work but he wasn’t as powerful back then as he.. Ended up being.” 

She paused, out of respect for Albus Dumbeldore.

“ Anyway” She said, bringing herself out of her thoughts. 

“ Albus had read my paper, and approved of my technique. I don’t think that any memory is so bad it warrants being erased. Bad things happen for good reasons and they are just important to a person as good things. The problem comes when it is all consuming. Muggles like to talk about those bad things, because by releasing them from our minds it stops them from being trapped there. They are talked about, and it helps muggles to think about those bad things differently. Not always as a good thing, but just not as a wholly bad thing either.

The problem, I think, was the danger, and the time. It was felt that my idea would take too long to work and that by the time a person was in a better place, they could have got even worse in themselves, and irreparable damage done. Not much is known about the mind, either from muggles or wizards. No-one's ever really bothered to do much about it. Everyone has just stuck to their ways and that's that. I think it came down to money too. It was a lot quicker to fix a person with magic than by messing around, like they called it. However, I had seen the ward at Saint Mungos that they kept hidden, the ones, like Gilderoy Lockhart, who have been left with no memory at all.``

Molly sighed, as though this was itself some sort of release. To be able to finally disclose to someone else what she had done, and why she was no longer able to work in the magical world. She hoped Harry would agree to her plan, even though she was terrified he would, because of what it would involve.

Harry sat on the sofa with a puzzled look on his face. He was certainly intrigued, and Molly had hit upon the one reason he was worried about getting his memory modified. After his experience with Lockhart, he was always skeptical about the idea of messing around too much with memories. He was interested enough to want to know more.

“What do you mean, Molly, you haven’t actually said what you mean?”

Molly stood up, and went over to the bookshelf in the corner of the room furthest from the door. She reached up and pulled a book, the title of which Harry couldn't see. 

All at once the books on the shelves grew wings and started to fly up around Molly's head and the ceiling. Once the bookshelf had cleared, the shelves themselves flipped downwards and became panels into what was now a door, with a small golden handle that had appeared on the right hand side of the door. 

Molly reached for the handle, pushed it down and pulled the door open. Harry had to shield his eyes from the light beyond the door for a minute as whatever it was beyond the Weasleys front room was much brighter. 

When they had made their way inside, and Harry's eyes had adjusted, he could see they were in a small circular room, that had no visible windows, and only the door, which had now disappeared, once again becoming a wall. Harry naturally looked up towards the source of the light and at the top of this tall, almost church like room was a glass roof, which was letting sunlight stream into the room at an almost unnatural pace. 

When Harry finally looked down and across at Molly she had sat down on a dark wooden circular bench, which stretched across half of the rooms wall. It had squashy cushions and even though it was very much a bench it still looked inviting. There was nothing else in the room that Harry could see. At Molly's request to sit down he crossed the small floor, which he noticed was an intricately marbled pattern of dots and squiggles. This room felt very out of place in the Burrow, if indeed thats where they still were. 

Once seated, Molly smiled at him, and asked him

“Are you ready?”

Of course Harry was ready, or so he thought. As he nodded, a circle in the marble floor appeared and segments started to disappear to reveal something that was making its way up into the room. As soon as it was half way up Harry recognised it at once. 

“Is that? No, it can’t be? Did Dumbeldore..?”

Molly finished Harry's half started sentences for him.

“Yes Harry, it's a pensieve, but it's not Dumbeldores. However, he did give me this one, he had two, not that anyone knew that of course. He believed in me and my idea, and told me that one day I may need to help someone. At his request I have spent my time working on my ideas in secret, with his help of course.”

Molly opened her cloak and pulled out from inside a pocket a small wooden chest. She tapped it with her wand and it popped open to reveal a collection of small vials containing silvery liquid that Harry recognised at once. She pulled one out of the collection. It was labelled James Potter. 

“Harry?” Molly asked.

“Are you ready to understand your past? Are you ready to relieve all those painful memories? 

Molly reached over, grabbed Harry's hand and with her other hand tipped the vials contents into the pensieve and they plunged themselves forwards into the past.  

self closing Mask pocket tutorial

This fits my mask in and is safe enough for it not to fall out. It means I can safely put my mask away when I am out and about.

You can use either 5 2in x 5in scraps or a piece of fabric 10in x5 in. 

If you are using scraps, sew them together to create a piece of fabric 10in x 5 in

Hem each end of the strip of fabric. 

Then fold the top 2 inches over the second 2 inches.

And then fold the rest of the fabric in half, so you should have 2 panels on each side with the top one in the middle. Then sew each side together. 

The folded over piece of fabric should be inside, sewn within the seam. 

Now turn inside out (or rightside in!)

To finish, sew each side again to neaten it up. 

pop a mask into the pocket...

and close!

 

Toilets are not safe spaces

Once again the issue of public toilets is in the news, this time in context of trans rights and the gender recognition act reforms.  https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/boris-johnson-transgender-trans-gender-recognition-act-a9565341.html

Not only that JK Rowling has also been making comments, supposedly on a platform of being a survivor in need of safe spaces, particularly those that are designed for differently gendered people to use. 

This brings up the issue of public toilets, as people often wrongly assume that they are "safe" spaces for either "women" or "men" to use. Let me be very clear. They are not. The signs on the toilet doors do not work like the magic staircase in Hogwarts that stops boys from entering the girls dormitory. Men can enter women's' toilets, and women can go into the men's. It is not logical to assume that these spaces are safe, as they are self policing and in some ways designed better for the group of people who are depicted on the front of the door. 

I live my life as a survivor. My brain is hardwired, the same as everyone elses to protect itself from threats. Those things that are deemed a threat are based on both knowledge and experience and a mix of the two. Sorry I am not scientific, this is just my basic knowledge. When my brain sees a male presenting person who it doesn't, it automatically categorizes them as a threat. I then have to bring my thinking brain into the equation to say, hey, hang on a minute, that's not fair! Of course there are times when it is fair enough, and those instincts are right and are listened too. Those times are almost exclusively when I find myself in a private space with a strange male on our own. This could be a lift, a toilet, at my house, or even if they happen to sit next to me on the bus. 

This doesn't make me sexist, or transphobic. This just makes me a survivor who has had experiences that mean that my brain struggles to differentiate between a threat and not a threat, and it is on a higher and perhaps different state of alert to other people.

So, bringing this back to toilets and who is and isn't "allowed" in them. As I have said, its a smokescreen. It is not and never should be about who owns the right to use a toilet. It should be about making public toilets safer for all users, regardless of gender, sex, age, race, disability, sexual orientation and any other factors. 

The biggest issue is in the design of a public space that is a quasi private space. People become confused about its status and function. If a public toilet is to be safe, then it needs to be redesigned completely. This is starting to happen in schools, where toilets are located along a corridor with individual cubicles. There are other options out there, both in use and in peoples minds. Now, ironically is the ideal time to re think these spaces. With the global pandemic requiring us to avoid enclosed public/private spaces with strangers, toilets are becoming much safer places to be, as the rules become one in and one out. Perhaps things might change now, so that it can be safer for everyone, and not just because of Covid-19. 

 

Bob versus the virus

Bob woke up and went to give his Mummy a cuddle. He did this every morning before school.

This was Bobs second day of home school. School had finished early this year because of a virus that made people poorly.

When Bob cuddled up to his Mummy she said that things had changed AGAIN!

She said that the world was feeling very poorly and needed to rest for a while before we could all go out and play again.

This made Bob feel sad.

He asked his Mummy what we were doing to help the world feel better? He was worried that leaving it alone would only make it lonely.

His Mummy told him that the best thing for the world was to rest for a while.
But this didn’t make Bob feel any happier.

Bob loved to make people feel better, and he loved to invent things!

He ran to his room and started to think of all the things that made him feel better when he was poorly.
Sometimes his Mummy made him drink yucky medicine, which made him feel better. He wasn’t sure if the world had a mouth though, so he carried on thinking.

His Mummy always gave him hugs when he felt poorly and that made him feel safe and loved.
What could he invent to give the world a hug?

He drew in his inventing book a picture of some giant hands, big enough to hug the world. They would need to be powered by gigantic rockets in space.

This could work!

But then he remembered how squished he felt when he was hugged and he wasn’t sure if the people on Earth would like being squished by giant hands.

He turned over the page in his inventing book.

There must be something he could do to make the world feel better!

It was lunch time, so Bob ate and did some more thinking.

Bob remembered how much much he enjoyed being tucked into bed with a cosy blanket and his favourite teddy when he was poorly.

He got drawing and invented the biggest blanket for the world. He would have to get all the Grandmas knitting, it was going to be huge!

But then he remembered that the world needed the Sun to live, and even though some of the world was always dark, it was never for very long. Bob didn’t think that the world would want to be covered in a giant blanket all of the time.

Bob had spent all day inventing and thinking and hadn’t come up with anything!
This made Bob feel very sad.

As Bob went to sleep he hoped that the next day he would think of an invention to make the world feel better.

The next morning, Bob had another brilliant idea!

Since the virus that was making everyone and the world poorly started, his Mummy had told him that he must wash his hands with soap and water, as it made the virus go away!

Bob decided to invent the biggest bar of soap in the world so that the world could get better!
He ran to the bathroom to get a bar of soap so he could think of how to make it bigger.

Bob remembered he had seen on a TV show a super cool gadget that could make things grow bigger!
Bob spent all morning drawing and thinking, trying to invent a gadget, but it couldn’t.

This made Bob feel very sad.

At lunch time Bob asked his Mummy how soap was made. She said that you need a mould, which holds the liquid soap until it sets hard.

After lunch Bob tried to invent a giant mould to make a giant bar of soap. Then he thought of a really clever idea!

Bob decided that he could take the roof off the biggest building in the world and use it to make the soap with.

But there was a problem. Once the soap set, Bob would need to break the building apart to get to the soap. He didn’t think anyone would be happy with that idea.

This made Bob feel sad. But Bob did not give up.

The next day after another good night's sleep, he had yet another brilliant idea!

His Mummy used other things to clean the house with apart from soap and water!

Bob wasn't allowed to use the dangerous cleaning things, but he loved using the broom to sweep the floor with.

Bob rushed to find the broom and took it upstairs to his inventing desk.

The broom had a long wooden handle, and soft brown plastic bristles at the end. Bob drew it very carefully in his book.

The broom would need to be HUGE if it was going to sweep the virus away from the world.

Bob had to think very hard about how to make a giant wooden broom. Then Bob remembered that the trees in the forest were also made of wood!

He could go to the forest and find the biggest, tallest tree, chop it down and use it as his broom handle.
But there was a problem.

Bob thought the world would get very sad if he chopped down a tree that had been growing for years and years. He thought of all the time the world had spent looking after the trees, watering and feeding them until they grew big and strong.

Bob didn’t want anyone else to feel as sad as he was, and he thought that the world must be feeling pretty sad already if it was feeling poorly.

At lunchtime Bobs’ Mummy decided that Bob should stop trying to invent a way for the world to feel better. She set him a new inventing challenge.

That afternoon, Bob was very busy inventing. This time, he couldn’t find any problems with his ideas.
This made Bob feel very happy.

When Bob had finished drawing out his inventions he proudly showed his Mummy the ideas that he had. At the top of the page was the title

Inventions to make Bob happy

Bob had designed an ice cream making machine, a football machine and a TV watching machine.
The next morning Bob and his Mummy spent time playing football together. In the afternoon they sat and watched TV with a bowl of icecream to share.

This made Bob (and his Mummy) very happy indeed.

Traumatic times

In the last few days there have been several references and comparisons made to being at war, and how this government has to respond as a war time government would. Until I read this thread (contains swearing) on twitter  link to thread I hadn’t made the connection to our own personal response to the situation. I have experienced trauma based mental health problems for a number of years, and as part of my recovery and healing I have done a lot of research into this area.

I can now see trauma in people’s behaviour, actions and reactions. I can see it in my own reactions. It is pretty common knowledge how many soldiers experience trauma during war, so it’s not a big stretch to see how we as untrained and unprepared civilians are going to be experiencing traumatic reactions to our attempts at fighting the pandemic caused by corona virus (Covid-19).

People who are panic buying are reacting to their bodily response to trauma inflicted upon it. It goes back to our caveman instincts of hunting and gathering for survival. It’s not that people are being selfish or not thinking of others, it’s just that they are not thinking at all. There are people who are carrying on as normal which is another traumatic response, one of denying the trauma even exists. These are not thought through reactions but automatic responses to traumatic events.

You may be experiencing some really weird stuff going on in your bodies right now, but that’s because our bodies are set up for protecting us from danger. Right now, as the news gets worse and the impact is being felt our brains have effectively rung the fire alarm. When this happens, our logical thinking brain shuts down and all the brains power is focused on fighting the fire or the trauma. This part of our brain doesn’t think, it reacts. It is designed for our survival and means we can quickly reacting to a situation without thinking slowing us down. It is completely natural for this to be an exhausting time for you, as your brains are working overtime trying to process the information and protect you from threats and trauma. Not only that, there are physical symptoms of trauma that our bodies display. Our whole body is under stress and it may struggle to cope.

It is very difficult to convince our automatic response to the situation to switch off and that everything is OK, when there are clear signs it’s not. When you can’t convince your brain you’re not experiencing trauma, you can at least remind it that it’s not all traumatic. There are things we can do, to at least dampen the effects of the trauma on us and those around us.

Keeping your thinking brain active with something simple, proactive and positive stops it thinking negatively and quietens the fire alarm. Planning activities to do, playing board games, planning food, writing, drawing and similar activities are good distractions for your brain to focus on and to keep it feeling calmer. If you are finding that something specific is worrying you, then trying to find a positive solution to that worry can keep your mind thinking rather than reacting with panic. For example if you are worried about the food situation, going shopping in your kitchen and thinking of what meals you can make with what you have in stock may just surprise you. It also means you can be more focused if you do need to go shopping on what you are missing to make a meal. If you are wanting to carry on as you normally would, which might seem like a good idea, it is important to gently nudge your brain into reality. Your brain is protecting you from being completely overwhelmed with what is really happening which is really great. . If you are struggling to cope with the situation and feeling helpless, the positive response is exactly the same. Balance your consumption of the news with other news. Restrict yourself to a short exposure. If your brain needs nudging into or out of reality then filtering that reality makes it easier to process.

You can also use a technique known as grounding. It is a process of re attaching your body to reality, which in this situation means the good bits, the stuff that isn’t traumatic and scary.

Thankfully this is a pretty easy process. You don’t have to look far to find something positive. Look to the people around you, perhaps out to nature and how spring is still happening regardless. Grounding encourages us to focus on engaging our senses. I have always found that I associate certain songs with happy memories, or the taste of something makes me feel better. If you struggle with this it may be worth gathering some things together to create a grounding kit that can help you when things get overwhelming. Preparing a music playlist, some tv or films to watch, things to eat, smell or touch also provides your thinking brain with a task to focus on that is both positive and distracting.

As we face an uncertain future away from familiar routines and freedom we need to be gentle on ourselves and the people around us as we try to navigate it. Acknowledging that this is traumatic for everyone is an important step to take. There is a wealth of information on the internet about trauma and our reactions to traumatic experiences if you want to look into it further (again, a task for our thinking brains).

Remember though, that our  thinking brains are going to be impaired at the moment. However, it is even more important that our brains are provided with stimulus to keep them active, even if it is difficult. Reducing our expectations, rather than not having any at all may seem tough, but it will allow our brains to switch off or at least reduce the noise of the fire alarm and panic, even for a little bit.

Recognising the situation is traumatic reduces the expectations on everyone to function normally. It allows for everyone to be scared, and to be able to talk about it. It also provides an opportunity to try and reduce the longer term impact of this experience on us. We can start to do this by connecting with other people. The ideal connection would be physical, but connecting with each other online is still essential for our long term mental health. Search out like minded people, spend time every day chatting to someone, either on the phone or the internet. Getting to know people during this difficult time can make a positive difference to you and the person your connecting and reaching out to.

We can provide each other with an anchor in this stormy sea whilst we ride out the storm. Knowing that we are not going through this alone will strengthen our ability to cope with the storm The storm will end, and we will heal together, by continuing to anchor each other against the trauma and its effects on us.

Does feeling more connected to nature lead us to be more connected overall?

I often battle with a feeling of disconnection. From life, from people, from everything really. However, since starting to think about nature in a completely different way and becoming  more connected to it, I have also noticed that I have become a more connected person in other areas of my life.

Nature to me was always this big thing that happened "out there", in the countryside, and in a forest or a wood. It was something you went to, and something that you did intentionally. However, since starting to notice natural elements in my day to day life, and feeling that these fragmented elements of nature are also an equally valid representation of, and a big part of nature I have changed my mindset.

Now, even on a cold grey morning when I go on the bus into town or just walking round town. Even when I am sitting at my computer with the crack of my curtain open, I notice the colour of the sky, how the temperature is making me feel. I notice the art work that some people call graffitti that lights up dank alleyways. I notice the cracks in the pavement that have little bits of green in them.

I have even started to appreciate the seasons more. I dont think December is an easy month, as it feels cold and unwelcoming. However this is part of life, and an important one, as it allows animals to rest, and vegetation a chance to re generate and re new. The darkness of december makes me appreciate the summer more.  It makes me notice the contrast in the trees and the colours that are around.

This connection that I feel now to nature is creeping into other areas. It is the idea that it does not matter if it is a single leaf or a forest of trees, that it still counts and still matters means so much. It means that the little things that I can do every day do make a difference and it is worth trying. The fragments of connections are worth collecting, curating and reflecting on. They are an important part of my story, and an important part of my journey through darkness and mental health difficulties.

The bridge that connects both of these things together for me is my creativity. I can express what is on the inside in so many different ways, and use creative outlets to process how I am feeling. I am using words and images to connect with myself and connect with nature.

I was watching this film earlier, it wasnt very good (which seems to be a habit of mine) aside from this one quote which I leave here:

Each painting is different, whether its good or bad it means something to the person painting it.

They choose the colour they chose the brush, and the way that brush touches the canvas and leaves a mark. Its like they are leaving a mark with their voice and their heart.

Kat Abernathy colour me you.

Ugh

I hate myself sometimes. Ok, most of the time. That's not to be pitied, but something that's fact and something I fight against.

And fighting is hard. I know I struggle a lot with day to day stuff but I still give this pretense of functioning across which is a protective barrier to hide behind.

When reality clashes with my fairytale life, when I am so bluntly exposed to the fact that I am ill and that even the simplest thing of going to a course that I love every week is a challenge, and one that I keep failing at I get embarrassed at myself, at my weakness. So then I get even more upset and make myself worse, because not only did I not go to the course but I didn't go because I couldn't face it.

And I think that even the fact that when I do go I scare myself at how my mind ends up on paper, drawn, written, in such a way that I am actually happy with it. When I struggle so much with self esteem it is so hard to take pride in my work and there is so much shame attached to it.

So here I am, making myself vunerable, because if I don't then I won't go back, and I love the course, and the people and I hate myself for missing it.