Ugh

I hate myself sometimes. Ok, most of the time. That's not to be pitied, but something that's fact and something I fight against.

And fighting is hard. I know I struggle a lot with day to day stuff but I still give this pretense of functioning across which is a protective barrier to hide behind.

When reality clashes with my fairytale life, when I am so bluntly exposed to the fact that I am ill and that even the simplest thing of going to a course that I love every week is a challenge, and one that I keep failing at I get embarrassed at myself, at my weakness. So then I get even more upset and make myself worse, because not only did I not go to the course but I didn't go because I couldn't face it.

And I think that even the fact that when I do go I scare myself at how my mind ends up on paper, drawn, written, in such a way that I am actually happy with it. When I struggle so much with self esteem it is so hard to take pride in my work and there is so much shame attached to it.

So here I am, making myself vunerable, because if I don't then I won't go back, and I love the course, and the people and I hate myself for missing it.

When self care isnt so caring..

I have been thinking alot over the last few days about how I can look after myself better. I thought I would start, as it seems where I always start when faced with a problem, or when looking for a solution by analysis. I can then hopefully work out what I can do better, and what I am currently doing thats not so good.

So, I started a diary, and in that diary, I had some things to note about the day. Things I do for myself, things I do for others, things I do for my child, for the house and things that I do that are not so good. I noticed, as I think most people do, my life is pretty out of balance when it comes to doing things for myself in comparison to things I do for other people.

Something I have started to do for myself is to turn off the internet and the computer when I go to sleep. I have noticed that it is a really important thing to do, as it means when I wake up in the morning I am putting myself first, having breakfast, reading a book etc. before even thinking about emails or anything on the internet.

However, what I am also noticing, especially today, which has always been a "blah" day, is how there are things that I am noticing that I do in the name of "self care" that aren't actually caring for myself, when I look at it analytically. Spending all day asleep is disrupting my sleep patterns and is not good for self care, I could find other things that are relaxing to do that would be much better, like having a bath, or reading. I got a take away tonight, again thinking this is a good "self care" activity. However, its not really, because its not healthy, so not looking after my body, and it also means I haven't eaten very much during the day.

I find this process really revealing, and tomorrow I am determined to be more self aware of what I do in the name of self care, to make sure it is actually caring, and improving my overall health and outlook on life.

My PIP assessment

I had my PIP assessment a few weeks ago now. I requested the report of the assessment as soon as I could, and it is only now I feel able to share what it says, as it has taken me this time to process, "accept" and understand what it says.

Firstly, as far as these reports go, this one was pretty accurate. It recorded with about 90% accuracy what I said at the interview. The problems start with how those things were interpreted in context to the evidence I provided and the evidence the assessor had to hand.

My PIP claim was a renewal claim, previously won at appeal. The questionnaire was filled in, as one would expect, based on my current award of PIP, which I received at appeal. Simple, right? Well no, it seems not. The assessor doesn't seem to have access to this information, and somehow (which is very odd when you think about it) thought that I was renewing a zero claim for PIP after 2 years. Thats right, when the renewal form asks if there has been any change in my condition, and the response was no, the assessor has referenced this to my last PIP report (a zero score one) and not my appeal result (a 13 point one). So therefore, according to the assessment report, I have no functional difficulties, because I reported no changes to my no functional difficulties last time. Completely missing out the 6 months of anguish and pain I suffered to take it to appeal, gather additional evidence and win my appeal.

Not only that, a piece of medical evidence that I provided, both for this claim and my appeal, states clearly that psychotherapy is the treatment of choice for my condition. Now, cleverly, the assessor has managed to turn this evidence against me stating that although I am receiving psychotherapy it is not medically indicated as per my medical evidence. Huh, you may say, huh indeed. This is where it may get complicated for those who may not have a grasp of basic English language (no offence intended). What my medical evidence states, which is a letter written by an NHS consultant is that as I am already in receipt of privately funded psychotherapy, this is more suitable for my needs, as it is long term and any NHS psychotherapy they can offer is relatively short term in comparison, therefore it is a discharge from NHS provision back to my private psychotherapy, WITH THE NHS CONSULTANTS full support.

It really feels like they are scraping around trying to find any reason at all to deny people PIP, and those reasons above are really shockingly bad. I have written to the DWP, as thankfully there is at least a 6 week delay in them processing assessments. I hope that the DWP consider very carefully my letter. Because it truely is ridiculous.

Jay, I cared

Tw: sucide and drugs/alcohol

Its the 4th August 2018. I lose track of the years, but this day is the anniversary of my friends death. She died thinking no-one cared about her, and I try to make sure no one else dies thinking that.

Jay was 17, I met her at college, full of ambition and life. She opened my eyes to a whole new world (if you went to a nightclub when it opened the bouncers weren't there yet). I tried to get her through college. My proudest moment was when she went to an exam, because of me and my persistence. We were the only 2 people that could answer what an advocate was, because of our experience in "the system".

She wanted to be a DJ, or a social worker, because she could do better than the social workers who had worked with her. Jay had a difficult life. She lived in the foyer, a local shelter for young people. She had problems with drugs and alcohol. 

She had an overdose that year, it was when I walked away from her life. I was the only sober person that night who was able to get an ambulance and save her. She wanted me to lie, tell everyone her drink had been spiked. I couldn't do that, one of the hardest decisions I made. I had hoped it would shake her into going straight, but it didn't.

The day I got my a level results was the day I found out she had gone. 

Now, there is hope, because of her. Now, there are people who patrol beachy head to show people they care. They started a year after she went. They have reduced suicide there significantly. Just by showing people that someone cares.

Please, today, tell someone you care about them. Tell them before they're gone they are loved and they'll be missed if they go. Don't wait til it's too late. Reach out now. 

This is an article written about what happened.

http://www.eastbourneherald.co.uk/news/local/tragedy-of-a-lonely-teenager-who-nobody-cared-about-1-1436413 

TRAGEDY OF A LONELY TEENAGER WHO NOBODY CARED ABOUT

Published on the  12  February 2004 12:39

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HORRIFIED witnesses saw a 17-year-old girl throw herself off Beachy Head after telling them that 'nobody cared'.

Jazamin Richardson, known as Jay, was spotted sitting on the edge of the 500ft drop and swigging out of a Coke bottle.

Student  Kate Marshall, one of a group of friends who were having a picnic at  the beauty spot on August 3, tried to talk Jay out of jumping and asked  her friends to call the police.

But Jay told the officers, who raced to the scene, that she was going to have one last drag of her cigarette and then jump.

'I became aware of somebody sitting on the edge,' Miss Marshall told the Eastbourne inquest.

'She was sitting and then standing up then sitting very close to the edge of the cliff.

'She seemed to be drunk. She looked like she was going to jump. We called our friends and asked them to call the police.'

Miss Marshall then approached Jay, who lived at the Eastbourne Foyer before being admitted to hospital, and talked to her.

'I  did not ask her why, I asked her where she was from. She said she had  escaped from the hospital in Eastbourne the night before.

'She reached into her jacket and got some cigarettes.

'I asked if I could have one and I asked her to come and smoke one with us.

'She said no, but she did throw the cigarettes back to me.

'I was turning round to get a light from a passerby and Craig came up with the police.

'She kept saying she wanted to jump. We kept saying - please don't do it. She was saying that nobody cared.'

Jay then said she was going to take one last drag of her cigarette and then jump.

PC  Sasha Coote, who had just arrived at the scene, begged the teenager not  to jump, but she turned to face the drop and then stepped off.

PC  Coote's colleague PC Derrick Wood told the inquest that when he arrived  at the cliff, Miss Marshall was lying down on the edge talking to Jay.

'Jay was standing right on the edge. I asked people to move away.

'I stepped away to use my radio, which took a little bit of time.

'Jay's speech was slurred and she was extremely distressed.

'She was willing to talk to PC Coote but not willing to move away from the edge.

'She said she was going to jump, no matter what she said. She seemed really concerned that we get people away from her.

'She then turned so she faced the sea, lifted her arms up and stepped off.'

Coroner  Alan Craze recorded a verdict of suicide and added, 'In this case it  was observed by a large number of people, none of which were in any  doubt.'

Friends had thought Jay had turned her life around at the Eastbourne Foyer, in St Leonards Road.

She  had plans to become a DJ and was taking her GCSEs at Park College. The  Herald interviewed Jay a year ago, when she had been living at the Foyer  for six months after family problems caused her to leave home.

She had completed a Prince's Trust scheme, joined Park College and was full of plans for the future.

Staff and residents at the Foyer were deeply distressed to hear of Jay's death.

A  spokesperson said at the time, 'Until recently, Jay had lived at the  Eastbourne Foyer and during that time had been a proactive member of the  Foyer community.

'In the early part of the year Jay had  been involved in a photography project run by the Foyer and a poster  featuring Jay was chosen as the poster image for a national conference  preventing youth homelessness held in May.

'Jay will be sadly missed by the residents and staff that she had befriended during her time at the Foyer.'

How much is ten pounds to you?

A tenner, 10 bob

Ten quid or ten pounds

How much is it really worth?

As I put my 4 in to the hole in the wall

And a shiny new note fast appears

before it slips from my hand

into fine grains of sand

I think for a minute of its worth

I can spend it so quick

With a swish and a flick

And the invisible money has gone

Writing what those ten pounds could buy

Changes the money from none

Into a complex sum

Of what its actually worth .

Ok, so I think what that note represents

My mind thinks first of food

Perhaps 2 or 3 meals fast and ready,

Or one in a place which is more slow and steady.

However, if it comes with me into a shop,

That ten pound note is worth quite a lot

If im careful and count

I can get pasta, veg, meat and a drink,

Perhaps even a treat

And it might actually last just a week.

So what else could I buy with ten pounds?

Perhaps ten items from poundland

a book, a toy, a craft or some tins,

perhaps a dvd, or some cheap unbranded tea.

I could go on a spree

My ten pounds and me,

If I went shopping on sale.

But then my mind

Turns to more serious things,

Like transport for a week,

Or a train ride, return to see boo,

And it could go to my rent as well.

And gas, electric, or phone,

Those things might last longer

But still do I ponder,

 What more I could do with ten pounds?

I remember once ten pounds was enough,

To give clean water to a family for life

It certainly is true that ten pounds

Could go far if given away

Perhaps man a phone line

Or provide cups of tea

Or even a meal, or perhaps even three.

What value does ten pounds hold for me?

A lot more if I stop and think carefully.

It can go towards food, clothing and bills

(5 tshirts for a tenner in some stores)

As I think about this fact

I am stopped in my tracks

And vow to not tap and run

To stop the grains of sand

And to keep a more careful hold

of that ten pound note

that I didn’t care so much about.

Finding value in myself through finding value in things.

I have spent a lot of time over the last few months sorting out my stuff and my home. I have had to throw alot of things away, and in the process of doing that, deciding what is worth saving. However, somewhat frustratingly I have recently changed my attitude towards this task. This was thanks to a couple of courses I attended (Sheffield flourish and Storying Sheffield).

In those we focused on our stories. The personal narrative that makes up our lives, and how we can use different ways to express that. I have come to realise that I don't just have all this stuff for no reason, some of it at least has value. That isn't to say it is valuable, but that it is valued enough by me to keep it. It is different from finding joy in something, because a lot of these things hold difficult stories for me, and really don't bring me joy. However, they are still very much a part of my story, who I am and for that, they are of value to me.

In the last few days as I have considered this, and continued to sort, my attitude has changed to the task because of this realisation. I still throw things away, but not because I have this need to de clutter and tidy but because I no longer feel the need to keep hold of it, it no longer has value or meaning for me. It has stopped becoming part of my narrative. It has also meant that there are things that I have got in boxes that I really want to recover from them, and display them somehow. Not because they are anything special, but because of the value they represent.

I am also going to try this attitude out when it comes to sorting through my clothes. If something has some value to me, adds or reflects some part of my story back to the world then I will keep it, if not, then I probably wont.

It is also interesting then to extend this and deepen it further. By finding the value in these things, and finding those stories and meanings to them, I become the curator of my life. I become more careful about the things that I keep and how I keep them, because they are no longer just things, but valuable things and important to me.

It also means that I become more careful about the things that I buy, and whether those things will add value to my life or not. It might mean choosing to buy less of something more expensive, or spend more on something that will last longer, because ultimately, under it all, it means I am valuing myself and my life more.

By placing a value on the choices I make, the things I eat, what I wear, what I keep  and how I keep it means that I become more mindful of those choices. I also increase my own sense of self through strengthening my self narrative and self worth.

It doesn't mean always buying the most expensive things though. That is the balance. By buying something that is cheaper might mean better value and self worth in the longer term because I am being aware of my budget and staying in control. However, its about making the judgement about what is worth or has value that I should spend money, or even time on (as time is a very valuable resource).

This is just my thought processes at this time, and I am hoping it will evolve over time and as I continue my journey in this way. find

Monster in the toilet zine.

Here is my "monster in the toilet" zine: link to pdf
how to fold the zine ( you can use scissors just fold it in half and cut that way)

It is designed to be printable and coloured in yourself.

enjoy!
There’s a MONSTER in the toilet Mummy,
It tried to eat my hand!
It roared when I went near it,
and it sounded kind of mad.

There’s a MONSTER in the toilet Mummy,
It sits there on the wall
its roar makes my ears hurt
and it's TEETH are ten feet tall


There’s a monster in the toilet mummy,
I'm sure I heard it laugh.
It rattles and blows the water away,
but it ate my hands right off!


You know that monster in the toilet?
It's not scary, mean or mad
it loves to eat up water
and roaring means its glad



You know that monster in the toilet?
its there to keep us clean and dry
it doesn't want to be scary
it just wants to be friendly and say hi



You know that monster in the toilet?
It used to scare me too
But now we are best friends
and I hope you can be too



Hi, im the monster in the toilet
Id like to shake your hand
I love to chat and make new friends
I hope you understand



Hi, I'm the monster in the toilet,
I'm here to dry your hands,
I know I roar and am quite hot,
and I'm sorry if I'm scary
I'm really really not!