Feeling foreign..

I remember doing a survey a few months ago and finding it quite novel that I was considered a minority in America as I was "of Hispanic origin."
Recently I have been reading some critical race theory from an american perspective and once again i am considered a "minority".
I fear that this feeling will expand and become ever more prominent in my life as Britain makes plans to leave the EU, let me explain why.
Despite my surname appearing british, my maiden name is distinctly Spanish, even having a double barrel name. I have a complicated relationship with the fact i am half Spanish, made even more complex by britex. My Dad came over from Spain in the 70s to find work, found love along the way and settled down with my Mum and had me and my sister along the way.
Since the divorce i have very little to do with either my dad or my spanish heritage. I was quite glad to have the opportunity to change my name when i got married.
However, i find myself in a strange place. Despite living in the UK all my life it seems that by some in this country I would still be considered a foreigner because of my "first generation" status. It also seems that the numbers of people who consider this is growing, even to include the government in recent days.
When i read the headlines, foreign academics banned from discussion s about brexit, I find myself wondering if that would include me, after all how foreign do you have to be?
All of a sudden, i feel like a foreigner in my own country, which is a strange place to be. I seem to be feeling more "Spanish" whatever that might be, and that feeling is very weird. It started when the referendum was announced, and along with it my change of identity. I have never really considered myself "British" but "European" As it fit me better. All of a sudden I started to question this and wonder about who i am and where i "belong ".

At the moment I'm happy to dismiss those thoughts as my paranoid anxiety, but the more i read and the further along we go along this track i wonder if those fears will become reality.

Numbers

I walked out of the small court room with my husband clutching two pieces of paper that I had spent the last five months fighting for. On it contained the truth, as the law sees it. The law doesn't care for targets or budgets all it cares for is the truth and the application of that truth. 

For the first time during the process of claiming PIP my medical evidence, submitted right at the start of the process was considered. The DWP rejected his evidence because he wasn't part of the NHS, an ironic statement considering that ATOS aren't either. Not only that for the first time, my own testimony was also considered, both given on my original form and during the tribunal.

The three tribunal members were ruthless in their questioning, but compassionate with it. Their aim was to ensure that the correct award level was determined in my case, and in order to do that, they needed to ask me some difficult questions about my life and the limitations I have. They allowed me to take my time and tried their best to put me at ease (not really possible in that situation). I managed to get through it with only one break (something that I paid for later). 

For the first time in the PIP process I was considered as a human, but in doing so, had to reduce me into descriptors and points, representing the way PIP is awarded. 

My life is now worth 11 points. It means I am entitled to PIP at the standard rate of daily living. I am not entitled to PIP moving around, but I still got 4 points. Considering the DWP considered my life to be worth zero points I am grateful for the 15 points the tribunal think my life is now worth.

I am now trying to process my experiences in the last few months. I don't think  I will ever feel at peace for what happened. The DWP and ATOS left me without any income for the last five months, because all m other benefits are linked to DLA/PIP. The effects of this process on my health has far reaching consequences. I haven't been able to access treatment for my condition during this time, meaning a deterioration in my health, and many more months of therapy added to my original "prescription". 

I can now at least try to move on, at least for the next one and a half years before it starts again. I have a three year award but it will be reviewed in 2 years. Its not much time, in terms of therapy it may mean I get back to the point that I was before I was subject to applying for PIP, a level most people wouldn't recognise as a good one, but that is relative. 

I now become one person amongst many who have successfully appealed against PIP. The appeal rate is so high that I hope that more people will start to take notice of whats going on, and how wrong the whole system is. My story is one amongst many, it is not the exception, it is the norm. More and more people have to include an appeal in their PIP application process. It is an unnecessary, pointless and more importantly a costly process. The system needs to change and quickly. 

HELP

I am writing this blog because I am angry and upset. I will not lower myself to name names publicly, that is best done in private. In short I have been screwed over.

I went to the CAB for benefits advice, but because of their complete lack of funding I decided to go elsewhere for help. I found somewhere that represents people at appeal and had a proven track record at winning appeals and a website full of useful and relevant information. There was no indication of anything wrong at all. I am sure they are who they say they are, theres nothing wrong with fraud or anything like that. However, there is a dark side to them, a very dark side.

Having sucessfully requested their services they sent me a letter, which included a contract which I had to sign to state that I would give them 200 pounds from the appeal winnings. Unfortunately I didn't keep a copy of this one. They also demanded 30 pounds up front for admin costs. Remember, I haven't had an income since april, thats a lot of money.

The appeal pack came a week or so ago and the date for the appeal shortly afterwards. I immediately informed them as it was four weeks notice of the appeal date. This is the email correspondance that ensued:

 It might look a bit bitty but then I am only screengrabbing the conversation. I can provide further proof of this if anyone needs it.I responded to the email then:

The response i got from this was shocking and just plain horrible:

My response to this was pretty level and appropiate:

So today on facebook I notice that they post a status saying that it was lovely that one of their clients, on winning their appeal had "given" them 200 pounds. I merely pointed out that this was a contractual obligation and this was the response I got ( as it seems I can no longer see their facebook posts I assume I have been blocked and I am still waiting a response from them by email regarding all of this) This is the facebook notification of their post:

and this too:

So here is me, with little over 3 weeks to my appeal now having to try and find someone else to represent me, because even if they still will, I dont trust them anymore and feel sick about this whole thing.

The CAB are going to try and do their best, but they can't promise anything with such short notice. I feel like crying, giving up, but I need to remind myself that I can do this, even if I am forced to on my own. I just hope I don't have to.

Please, if you are going to engage with advice services be very careful because they can be good and bad ones out there. if you are worried feel free to contact me on twitter @allbigideas and I can help you.

dwp logic

what does the dwp do when they don't like what you've written?
photocopy it so it says something else of course.
yup, where I once wrote that I can not safely do a task on the pip 3 form was photocopied onto their system to read that I can safely do it. Other vital words have been missed out too.
so, couple of questions here.
how did the health professional read my form if my form wasn't on the system correctly?
how can I trust a company that cant even photocopy a form correctly?

the end of another month.

I haven't posted about PIP recently, mainly because theres been very little to report and I have been coping by not coping, head down and ignoring it.

It seems apt to get my appeal pack today, the end of another month. It was the 1st April I put my mandatory reconsideration in, and it was the 1st July that the appeals service received my notice of appeal. Its been another month.

I am hopeful for the appeal. THats about all I can say.

Still with no income, still just living day to day. We have been very lucky to live close to a Netto, who recently announced they were closing. The half price sale has left us with enough tins and packets of food to survive for a couple of months more. For example, tins of potatoes that were already only 30p to start with we got for 15p.

multiple identities

Since April 11th I have been waiting, wishing hoping to reclaim my "disabled" identity back from the government who denied me it. Stuck in a parallel world, stuck in the gap of being before, not being currently but hoping to be again. Certainly in the governments eyes, because it means power, status and most importantly an income.

Still living that disabled identity everyday, being consciously aware of the barriers that grow bigger every day as a result of the denial of my identity, status, power and money. Not having the energy to fight them, even though I know if I don't fight now, the fight to reclaim will be harder once I have won. Which I will.

But I have to keep reminding myself of that fact. Looking over my various pieces of medical evidence which prove my disabled identity, but only the medical shadow, the mere footprint of its existence of its occupation of my whole self, not painting the whole picture. Not that the government want the whole picture, they are only interested in the deficit, the can't do, the poor little disabled person identity.

But the whole can't function without the shadow. The darkness and the light need to co-exist together. I need to have the shadow, the footprint to exist, even if just to fight against. To compete against. In order to be a Disabled Person, I must first be considered disabled.

Yesterday, as I simply entered a room I could feel the accelerated thud of my disabled academic identity flooding my body, and the thrill of this feeling invigorated me. I became alive again, or at least another identity reawakened within me and started thinking, making connections and engaging with rich and emotional discourse that touched my very soul and made it dance.

As I stepped out of the room at the end of the day and back on the train with my husband beside me, the energy disappeared from my body, the disabled identity reappearing as I lay shrivelled in my seat for the return home.

Today, as I sat in another room I became once again the disabled student. Discussing my barriers in context to study once again reminded me of the journey I had been on with that identity and how it had moudled and changed my very essence, giving rise to other, powerful identities of Disabled Person and Disabled Activist. I became excited to re visit and work with that identity in the coming months.

Tonight, as my daughter turned towards me, closed her eyes and wriggled her tired body as closely as she could into mine I became reminded of one of the most powerful and emotional identities I have, that of being a Mother.

Theorising normalcy and the mundane book review

I went to a conference yesterday where a book was launched which includes a chapter that I wrote. Its based on my undergraduate research project, and as is typical when I had a mic in front of me I completely forgot what I was going to say and said nothing in particular. So I thought I would try again using my blog, as I hope you'll agree if you read my book, my words are more eloquent written down.

Who is a normal student?

That was my starting point. I used a process of discourse analysis (which I like to describe as using text as a passive research participant) to discover how the universities use the language of their prospectuses to define their "perfect" or "normal" student. I found some amazing things about prospectuses which you can read more of in the chapter, but my favourite one was how all the institutions used the word you.

You is such a tiny word but yet was ascribed so much power in constructing the normal student. It was used as past, present and future and as plural and singular. You was used when it might have been better to say you all. It was used to homogenise groups and exclude others. You was the device that the institutions used to communicate directly and provocatively with their target audience.

I contextualise my findings with wider discourse that feeds into the higher education system such as the marketisation agenda and concepts such as a gatekeeper and create my own idea around spheres of normal.

I have used pictures to help illustrate my findings, because I found it helpful to see them and not just read about them, so I hope it helps clarify things.

I had hoped when i did my research originally that it would act as a springboard and a catalyst for others to research, mainly becuase its quite a small scale research project. Its really exciting because through this book I can envisage this happening even more so.

So, this is my chapter of this awesome book. Feel free to contact me on twitter @allbigideas for any questions you have and you can buy the book and the rest of the chapters from here: http://storefront.chester.ac.uk/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=12_14&products_id=626