Triggers in church

 Triggers in church.

Firstly, I have mixed feelings about trigger warnings in general. It's nice to get a warning of some difficult content, but equally it also assumes that someone else knows what could trigger me. I have this super amazing skill of being triggered by the most innocent of things (no seriously, it's… a challenge!). It can run the risk of a very serious issue being minimized into "a fad" or "trend". A trigger causes a very real, very severe reaction in me to certain stimuli. It can cause intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, panic attacks and even seizures. 

I do not use this word lightly. Unfortunately, I can not completely protect myself from triggers, nor do I expect others to adapt their behaviours or words to attempt to accommodate them. I have a responsibility to manage those triggers as best as I can, by being aware of them, being aware of my reactions and managing them.

However, I do think that there are things that can be done in inclusive, caring communities such as churches to help accommodate those of us who may be vulnerable to triggers or sensitive to difficult discussion.

A church should be an uncomfortable place. It challenges my thinking and pushes me into having stronger beliefs by questioning and answering those beliefs. It's a place for me to feel safe enough to be stretched and feel uncomfortable. However, it is also a place of safety. It might be easier to think of it in stages or zones. A safety zone, a stretch zone of being uncomfortable, and then a panic zone where things no longer feel safe and feels dangerous (this is where triggers place me).

There is always a fine balance and a difficult balance between these zones, especially in diverse communities where everyone has different zonal tolerances, like a church.

In these spaces of both safety and stretch I think what is more important than having a warning is having a responsive and aware community of people who are sensitive to others and invested in each others needs and how to respond to them. 

I may be an extreme example, but everyone has the ability to be pushed into panic mode and have their "thinking brain" switch off (panic mode transforms people into "caveman thinking" mode, fight, flight, freeze etc where "doing brains" take over). 

I think it's equally important to create a space for anyone to say they found something difficult and not be judged for it and be given the space and care they need to process why they may have found it difficult. You don't have to have the same extreme reaction as me for those feelings to be any less valid. 

How someone reacts to me when I am triggered into panic mode is absolutely as important if not more so than having a warning that I may end up there. The best way to react to anyone who is in panic mode is not to join in with the chaos but invite us back into your calm. Be my safe space. Remind my panicked brain that it is safe, that it is just being perhaps a bit over protective. bringing our brains back to calm zones is sometimes called grounding, but that sounds fancier than it sometimes needs to be. 

Often, the simple act of being calm and inviting me back into your calmness through your tone and actions is enough for me to join you there. It doesn't take any special words or training. Just small talk about the weather or food or nice simple easy stuff can be enough to bring thinking brains back online.

I can then do the work I need to to be able to process why I got to panic in the first place. 

I think it's also important to note here that it is also my responsibility to know when I am panicked or triggered. However, having a community of people who are understanding and accepting of difficult reactions means I am more likely and able to talk about it, as will others. 

Knowing I'm not going to be dismissed or not believed means I will be able to reach out much easier for help. Knowing there's a group of people who understand and will accept that I am panicking creates a safe environment for more than just me, it creates it for everyone. 

digital activism

 Activism might sound like a bit of a scary word. It really isn't. It is about making a change to something you care deeply about, either to make it better, stop it from happening or improve it in some way. There are ways to do this online and in ways that are accessible to most people, and easy to achieve in small ways. These are just a few suggestions about my own experiences and knowledge, but there are other opinions and resources about digital activism! 

Know your subject

The key thing I have found about activism is that the more interest I have in the subject the better I find the experience. This could either be through personal experience or from learning about something on the news. There is little point in trying to cover absolutely everything, if everyone focuses on the one thing they are passionate about then more things can be covered and more things can change. Not only that, there will be others out there you can probably find doing similar things to you. 

You may think you know everything about a subject, but there is always more to learn. I have signed up to google alerts on a few different topics for different reasons. I find it a useful resource to keep up to date on my favourite topics, and it is a good way to do it as its so easy and automatic:

https://support.google.com/websearch/answer/4815696?hl=en

It is really important to understand all sides and elements of a subject, even those you disagree with, so you can then know what arguments against your position you may encounter. 

Doing something!

Mainstream media

The biggest benefit of signing up for the alerts with google is that you can then start to engage with the media articles you find, either through using the comment sections below, or by writing letters to the organisation. You may think this is a pointless exercise but it can be really useful, especially if someone relevant and important reads your words. You may be able to contribute something different or unique based on your own experiences and knowledge. The important things are:

 stay polite, stick to facts or experiences (and back them up), don't share confidential information or reveal too much about yourself. 

Government

Get involved with voting and elections! You may not feel it makes a difference, but it is really important to have a voice within the democratic processes in this country! You can sign up for postal voting, and in some areas are able to vote online. 

https://www.gov.uk/register-to-vote

If you don't know much about your MP, or local council etc. then this website is amazing! 

https://www.theyworkforyou.com/

You can sign up for topic alerts, interact with your local MP and even use the write to them service! https://www.writetothem.com/ 

Writing to your MP can be a really important step in making your voice heard and making a difference. It lets them know that people who voted for them, and those who they represent care about specific issues. They can bring these up in parliament, get involved in policy and law changes and provide you with feedback on specific issues. It is their job to do this. 

Signing petitions

This is the official UK government petitions website. You can search for topics and petitions here, and make your own too. You have to register to do this, but its worth it as all petitions over a certain amount have to be acknowledged by parliament. 

https://petition.parliament.uk/

There are other petition sites such as change.org that anyone can get involved with too. https://www.change.org/

Social media and blogging

Social media and blogging can be a very challenging environment to be in. As there are less rules within these spaces it does come with a warning. However, when it comes to digital activism and making your voice heard, it comes with an enormous benefit too. Citizen journalism, as it can sometimes be called, is all about how people are now in direct control of sharing news and relevant information amongst themselves. There is no longer a need to involve a third party. Anyone can start a blog, like this one, and write information on there, the same with social media accounts. 

There are loads of different websites with lots of different ways to interact, so its possible to find the right fit for you and your needs. Being a good digital activist on social media is about being consistent in your message, staying polite, providing facts and opinions clearly and creating a space for open and honest debates, if you chose too. If you want to simply use a blog or a social media account as a way of sharing facts on the topic your passionate about then this is also a good option, keeping people informed can go a long way in making changes. 

Charity and social justice organisations

These can be a useful source of both information and support for digital activists. They may have their own campaigns and actions that you can get involved with. Grass roots activism is usually found within social media, searching for your topic as a group or tag and searching around the term can bring these organisations up. Do your own research into these groups and make sure they fit within your own personal ethos and morals, and are safe places for you to engage with. 

To end

This is just a small taste of things you can do to become a digital activist. Hopefully by taking these steps you can start to feel you are making a difference. The main thing is to keep safe and do only what you feel able to and are capable of. Small actions by lots of people can make a big difference and get noticed by the right people. The other important thing is to ensure you are safe on the internet whilst doing this, again, search for safety tips on general internet use and on specific sites. Most big sites have safety guides and provide support if you find any problems. 

I hope this is useful and can help you start your journey into digital activism! 

Fitting in normative time when working in crip time can cause jet lag

 Crip time, as defined here, is a

"flexible approach to normative time frames" 

https://dsq-sds.org/article/view/5824/4684

For me, it has meant having to negotiate and educate people and organisations that I am not being "lazy" or "slow", but that time just works differently for me. I often feel like I am in a different time zone, where notions of meeting deadlines, or doing certain amounts of work in a certain time frame is impossible. Unlike others my concept of time has to take into account my condition, and how it fluctuates in and out of needing time spending on caring for and maintaining my wellbeing. 

I read somewhere once that you can either have days where 

you can just go into the kitchen and make a cup of tea, (a 2 step day)

or days where

 you have to spend time and energy to movtivate yourself into the kitchen, then you have to find the cup, the spoon, walk to the fridge, get the milk out of the fridge, put the milk on the counter, pick the kettle up, fill the kettle up,  carry it back, put it on, wait for it to boil, pour it out, put the milk in and the tea bag (i dont drink tea so Im not sure o nthe right order :), stir it together with the spoon, wait for the tea bag to work and then carry it over, sit and drink it (a 20 step day)

the emphasis here is on how each of those steps are a usually unconscious part of "make a cup of tea", but for disabled people, sometimes, it is not that simple, and each step takes a great deal of energy and should be recognised on its own as an individual task. On a 20 step day, I am going to take longer to recover from every activity I do, because every activity takes more energy to complete and accomplish. Using the making a cup of tea analogy, sometimes those of us working on crip time have become adept at creating ways of working that cut some steps out and make us more efficient at tasks, not that we can acomplish more, just to make the task possible to complete within our own capacity. Drinking the tea without milk (or using a long life milk capsule) can cut a few steps out, putting the cup or the kettle next to the sink and filling it as we go past another few steps, you get the idea. 

This is all very well when working alone, without having to bump alongside normal time, but when you have to work within normal time, especially when normal time is fixed and unmoveable (like a university deadline), you have to get creative or risk getting jet lagged.

What I have found is that although it takes additional labour it can be a useful exercise to spend time trying to blend a normal time organisational strategy within crip time. As I have spent so long studying in higher education I can usually work out a good conversion.

Converting crip time to normal time takes practice and creativity. It also involves a lot of honesty and awareness of one's own capacity and working styles and speed.

The first job, as I did above is to break the task down into it's tiny parts. 

Next it's time to look at the tasks themselves to categorise them into different types. There are fixed time tasks that have to be done in a certain order, tasks that can be completed at any time, tasks that can be crip-adapted, and tasks that can and should be done differently. 

I then assign each task a rating of red, yellow or green, depending on how easy it will be to complete on different days. The red, yellow green rating is based on my mental energy, but it could be anything that is the biggest barrier to completing the work. 

Now as crip time is different, I try and assign each task it's appropriate crip time frame, which includes recovery, breaks, and my own working speed. This is more realistic. Instead of saying

"I'll spend an hour researching papers." 

"I'll spend 5 minutes reading my current progress notes"

"I'll write 5 search terms from those notes" (3 minutes)

I'll take a short 2 minute break to make sure I'm on task and check in to make sure I'm still ok.

"I'll do between 5-10 minutes of searching on the main uni library database, downloading anything that looks interesting in the first few sentences of the introduction". 

Break time so I don't get frustrated and overwhelmed with searching. completely doing something different and easy. Although my mind likes to wander during this time, I'm giving it time to wander and reflect on the process and how it can be improved. (15 minutes approx)

I'll spend 5 minutes reviewing the search terms and the articles to see if I can refine them any more than I have already for future searches. 

So my hour of work is broken up into crip time consideration and normal time consideration. It can get frustrating to be slower than my peers but this is not a competition, it's my own progress that matters. Some days I can do more than an hour, sometimes I can only do an hour.

So converting and working in both normal time and crip time together means that I am able to continue to work, even slowly on my bad days. It usually means I can keep some pace with my peers because I'm able to find something to do on most days. When it gets closer to deadlines though, especially when the task variety reduces and becomes harder is when it becomes challenging. Of course, there are times when crip time doesn't just "take priority" over normal time and it's demands, it takes over completely. It's why I try and make sure everything I do is not left at a point that I can't pick up days or weeks later. Every task has to have an end point, or at least a note of what to do next.

starting a research project- searching for a needle in a haystack

 I have tried to start searching for some research papers, or anything similar to what I want to base my work on. This is always a difficult task. It involves finding the exact keywords that someone else has also used on their work to describe what it is that they were researching. Even though I am trying to find out information on what happens when student assignments are considered narrative, and also creating a student journal based on student assignments (as a demosntration of student narrative) I can't just type that into a search engine and find it (although that is obviously the first attempt). 

The problem is that student assignments about narrative come up, as do lots and lots of other things about strudent assignment curriculm structure, creating a student journal as in a blog, and lots of other irrelveant things like that.

The trick is to keep searching, keep narrowing down what it is (and it is'nt) your searching for. You may think you are searching for lots of different articles or papers, the more the better, but actually, really, to start with, I only ever am searching for one. 

As soon as I have one, that I can anchor the rest of my searches from then it makes it so much easier to go forwards. The artcile itself will have lots of references in it that I can use to get more papers, and by reading it, will give me lots of linguistic clues to use to find more work of a similar nature. 

That is the needle in the haystack, the one thing I need to find to help me start. It helps me to reframe this part of the task as this, because it makes it less overwhelming to start with, and a bit more fun, because I am just bashing out lots of different words into google and the library search to see what I find, and then Ill just download the ones that I like the look of the abstract. 

Thats my other thing, I tend to work by separating the tasks I need to do down very carefully. Im not particularly well at the moment, so I know that I can't do much reading (or to be more accurate listening). What I can do is searching, and also preparing those articles to be read by a text reader when im well enough. 

Everything is separated as muich as possible so I can complete things in small chunks in small pieces of time, dpeneding on my ability at that time. 

What does healing mean?

I hope this helps some people rethink what healing means 🙂

If we only consider healing in a very medical sense, being completely cured, we can miss out on other ways to be healed that doesn't mean complete cure. Let me explain.

The social model of disability was made as a response to this medicalised view of our lives and that all the problems we have when we are ill or disabled come from something wrong with our bodies. It suggests that actually, we are more disabled by things outside of our bodies including other people's attitudes, Physical things and environmental things. So what the social model does is split the two things up and call them different things. Impairments are what is different about our bodies that may need medical help or treatment, but a disability is a man made thing that affects how our different bodies interact with the world. 

This was a great idea, because it meant disabled people could have something to fight for that unites them, and can make life better for all different bodies. It shifts the blame (and the solution) back onto society to change and include all bodies however different they are.

So for me personally this idea was very healing, because it meant that a lot of the bad stuff I had faced was no longer because of me, but because society wasn't set up for me, and it was them that needed to change. If a disabled person who needs a mobility aid finds a building only has steps, it's not their fault that they can't walk up them, it's the fault of the building for assuming that everyone can walk up stairs. If a disabled person can only work 2 hours a day before becoming tired and needing to stop, it's not the fault of the disabled person that the world of work expects a 7 hour day, or a 37 hour week. I also have come to realize that this goes both ways, and that I can also make changes to the way I live to make it easier for me that doesn't involve following "the rules". If it's easier to use an electronic can opener, it doesn't matter, the can still gets opened, or in my case, actually gets opened! ( That's because I'm left handed and can't open cans with a tin opener!)

So that was the first thing I learnt about looking at healing differently when I was doing my degree. The next thing is something I'm looking at now on my postgraduate degree. 

Whilst this idea is about mental illness and wellbeing it can be useful for everyone to think about it in relation to healing even if we can't be "cured". 

The idea of personal recovery in Mental health means living well within and despite limitations that are imposed on us, or because of our different bodies (this includes brains!). It's about finding meaning and a purpose in life that might be new or different to before illness, but is still just as valid. Recovery is about a whole person, and a whole life journey. It's about finding hope in the darkness, and remembering that even the tiniest flame can burn bright in dark times. Linked very close to this is social inclusion, which is very important in the recovery idea.

We can't do this journey alone, we need others to support us, and we can also support others, in a 2 way exchange of interconnection. We also need others to socialize, work with and to serve and be served by. 

I hope you can find new meaning in what healing means with these ideas and perhaps see that God is healing your life, perhaps not in the way you expect.

Teach a man to fish...

The saying goes if you teach someone to fish they will have food for life. No-one really thinks about the person who taught that person to fish, and what that can teach us about interdependence and the benefit of compassionate works. 

Learning to fish is not an instant thing, so it could take days or weeks of patience and getting the technique just right. Whilst this happens, the two people become friends and share whatever fish they might catch on that particular day. At first then, both benefit, as both don't go hungry. This is great, as it means that even if the person teaching has a bad day of fishing, they will still benefit from having an extra person around to share the reward with. 

As the student gets better at fishing and understanding how to fish, something else happens. Imagine for a moment that this person is not skill less, just not skilled at fishing. So this person who is fishing all day realises that with their engineering skills, they could improve the design of the fishing rod, and the other equipment. 

They do so, and share this with the teacher, who then benefits from a better rod and gathers more fish, so both benefit.

then imagine if the second person starts telling everyone they know about how great a teacher this person is, and all of a sudden, you have a whole network of people sharing their skills together and the results of those skills. 

So you could have a chef, who learns how to fish, but also teaches everyone how to cook the best fish, or an entrepreneur who shares with everyone how they could sell any fish left over and create a business. Or someone who understands chemistry and shows everyone how to keep their fish fresh.

All from one person teaching another how to fish. You dont just feed that person if you share your skills with each other, you can benefit everyone.

I love learning but I am tired.

 I love learning but I am tired. 

I spent ten years at undergraduate level trying and fighting to get my degree. I encountered systems and structures that were discriminatory and impossible for a disabled student like me to work with (or around). When I finally achieved my degree it was a first class honours degree. My final year dissertation had one of the highest marks of the year and is now published. That was thanks to a team of tutors who were willing to work with me, around the system to allow me to thrive and it was then I found my love of learning. 

Since then I have spent six years trying to achieve a post graduate qualification. Once again I found systems so rigid I was forced to quit. It was not quite discrimination, within the letter of the law but it was the spirit of discrimination that I encountered. It wasn’t that the universities and systems were actively ableist, its just that there was no action to counter any ableism I encountered or willingness to work with me. Whilst there was a very legitimate reason for leaving one of my post graduate courses, I didn’t really have a choice to leave the others. 

I am currently on my third or fourth last chance, I forget and lose count. This course is perfect for me, and I am really really enjoying the studying and the community I find myself in. I have the flexibility I need to achieve what I want. But, and there is always, it seems a but with me. I had to restart my first year, again, through a combination of ill thought through choices and consequences that I may or may not have been aware of (and coronavirus). I am currently writing (and should have finished last week) an essay I started writing this time last year. I was so determined to finish it before Christmas.

However, now I find myself once again unable to focus on my learning because I am having to put all my efforts into fighting a funding system that isn’t willing to accommodate or be flexible with me. I don’t know at this point if I will be able to afford to continue the course, it all depends on a funding decision, which because of Christmas and coronavirus is going to have to wait. This is my last chance to get a post graduate qualification. I can’t see me getting another. But, despite how much I am enjoying the learning and the writing I am really tempted to just give up. In some ways giving up before I am forced to give up is better, at least its my choice. But its not fair, or right that I should be in this position. I know I can study and achieve at this level, but I am just not being given the choice and the support to do so. Even though its not discrimination, it still feels discriminating, especially when I think of all those other students I have met along my way who are now qualified, working or onto further study. I just want to study and to learn. That’s all, its not hard is it?

Being grateful not greedy

 Being grateful not greedy…

So often I hear that Christmas is about giving gifts and not receiving them. Whilst that is true, I think it often overlooks the beauty of getting a gift, whatever that might be.

Even Jesus was grateful for the gift of expensive perfume despite what others around him said. He appreciated the gift and it's significance probably more than the gift itself.

I think this is best demonstrated when a child gives a gift. My 6 year old daughter doesn't have any money, or access to it (I remember once we were in Poundland and she picked a mother's Day card up for me, but didn't know how to pay for it, so I did!) So if she gives me a gift, whether that's a rock, a leaf or even a grape I am really pleased to receive it, because it means so much for her to give something away. It might not have any worldly value or even mean anything to anyone else but it was so important to her, and she chose to give it to me.

I'm not expecting gifts this year for Christmas particularly. It's been a difficult year for everyone. So when I do get a gift, even if it is not what I want or need, I'm going to try and remember to be grateful for it.

Behind the gift I'm given and the gifts I'm giving, is love. Someone loved me enough to give me something. They spent time and thought as well as money on me. I wouldn't refuse any of those things or be ungrateful for them, so I'm going to try and remember to do the same for anything I receive this year. 

Harry Potter and the aftermath

Harry was struggling to cope with the enormity of it all. Whilst he was happy enough during his time at Hogwarts, he had never known pain or sadness like it. He had tried ignoring the pain, sadness and anger for fear it would render him a gibbering wreck but his efforts didn’t seem to be working. Or that was the opinion of Hermoine, and she was always right.

He had been visiting Molly Weasley in secret, during work hours, on the pretence of investigating a dark wizard in the general area. His work performance was pretty poor, but as he had killed the greatest dark wizard of all time, the other Aurors didn’t really notice. His position at the office was more ceremonial than anything else anyway. Harry didn’t really need the job anyway. He had signed an exclusive deal with the Weasleys Wizarding Wheezes shop, now run by Ron and George, which meant they could sell “official” Harry Potter items, in exchange for Harry receiving a small percentage of the profits. Harry particularly liked the mini flying Harry Potter on a small broomstick, like the one of Victor Krum destroyed all those years ago by a jealous Ron. He wasn’t so keen on the exploding wands named after his battle with Voldemort, but it was popular so he allowed it. 

Unlike the other Weasleys Molly seemed to understand Harry. She was always happy to see Harry during the day, as she was lonely now her children were either at school, working or… gone. She had added Harry to the family clock, which Harry loved and hated at the same time. He knew there was only a space there because of him, because of what he had done. 

They appreciated each others company, and often that didn’t involve the need for words. Harry was as happy helping Molly with the chickens or de gnoming the garden as  sitting listening to the wireless or just having a chat over a nice drink he had often been sent as a gift. 

That day though, Molly was sitting at the kitchen table. It was empty and scrubbed clean. She seemed different somehow thought Harry as he walked in. She looked more serious and sat differently. 

“Sit down Harry” she almost ordered. 

Harry sat down, not daring to speak. He felt that Molly had not finished talking, but had merely paused to allow Harry to sit. He did so, the chair felt more noisy than usual as it scrapped across the kitchen floor. He pulled into the table, resting his wand upon it. Molly continued.

“ Harry, Harry, Harry.” she paused to reach across the table and grabbed hold of Harry's arms. 

“ Not many people know this about me, but before I was pregnant, I was training to be a healer at Saint Mungos. I was fresh faced, just out of school and full of all these ideas. I was really good at it too, according to my teacher. Perhaps though, a little too good, or perhaps I should say different. I was very much like Arthur back in those days, into muggle healing techniques as much as wizarding ones. It was very much frowned upon though, just as it is still. I did my final project on it. How we could use the muggle ideas around mental health and illness in the wizarding world. The treatment then at Saint Mungos, and it hasn't changed much even now, is to simply perform a spell to counter whatever it is that isn’t working. You know, if you were depressed they would admit you for an intensive course of laughter therapy, chuckling charms, tickling charms, that sort of thing. 

Unfortunately though, for people like you, they may simply take away the memories that are causing you pain.” 

She stopped. It was the first time this fact had been acknowledged out loud between them. Although this was an unspoken truth, Molly felt it could no longer remain so. As she looked over at Harry, whose cheeks were now being flooded with silent tears that had been waiting to come for many years. Molly stood up and guided Harry to the sofa, she did not speak further, but pulled Harry into her. She had said enough for now. She didn’t want to overwhelm Harry and waited for him to cry for as long as he needed to, and to speak when he was ready. 

Harry sat, enveloped for what felt like forever, but was only 2 minutes before he spoke. He was worried he might not be able to stop when he started, but he didn’t feel able to hold it in much more.

“I had been tempted to go to Saint Mungos, to get rid of all the pain. It sounded so simple. But then I remembered, and I remembered and I don’t think I could stop remembering, even with the most advanced memory charm there is. And I’m not sure I want to stop remembering. But it hurts Molly, I really hurt. How can I hurt so much?

Molly had no answers for him directly, because she too was hurting alongside Harry. However, she felt able to offer Harry help, so she continued.

“I was kicked out for this idea Harry and disgraced. It’s why I get so worried about Arthur dabbling in all this muggle stuff. It's dangerous. It seems both wizards and muggles are scared of things they don’t understand even if it might do them good. Dumbeldore though, he was impressed with my idea. He thought it might work but he wasn’t as powerful back then as he.. Ended up being.” 

She paused, out of respect for Albus Dumbeldore.

“ Anyway” She said, bringing herself out of her thoughts. 

“ Albus had read my paper, and approved of my technique. I don’t think that any memory is so bad it warrants being erased. Bad things happen for good reasons and they are just important to a person as good things. The problem comes when it is all consuming. Muggles like to talk about those bad things, because by releasing them from our minds it stops them from being trapped there. They are talked about, and it helps muggles to think about those bad things differently. Not always as a good thing, but just not as a wholly bad thing either.

The problem, I think, was the danger, and the time. It was felt that my idea would take too long to work and that by the time a person was in a better place, they could have got even worse in themselves, and irreparable damage done. Not much is known about the mind, either from muggles or wizards. No-one's ever really bothered to do much about it. Everyone has just stuck to their ways and that's that. I think it came down to money too. It was a lot quicker to fix a person with magic than by messing around, like they called it. However, I had seen the ward at Saint Mungos that they kept hidden, the ones, like Gilderoy Lockhart, who have been left with no memory at all.``

Molly sighed, as though this was itself some sort of release. To be able to finally disclose to someone else what she had done, and why she was no longer able to work in the magical world. She hoped Harry would agree to her plan, even though she was terrified he would, because of what it would involve.

Harry sat on the sofa with a puzzled look on his face. He was certainly intrigued, and Molly had hit upon the one reason he was worried about getting his memory modified. After his experience with Lockhart, he was always skeptical about the idea of messing around too much with memories. He was interested enough to want to know more.

“What do you mean, Molly, you haven’t actually said what you mean?”

Molly stood up, and went over to the bookshelf in the corner of the room furthest from the door. She reached up and pulled a book, the title of which Harry couldn't see. 

All at once the books on the shelves grew wings and started to fly up around Molly's head and the ceiling. Once the bookshelf had cleared, the shelves themselves flipped downwards and became panels into what was now a door, with a small golden handle that had appeared on the right hand side of the door. 

Molly reached for the handle, pushed it down and pulled the door open. Harry had to shield his eyes from the light beyond the door for a minute as whatever it was beyond the Weasleys front room was much brighter. 

When they had made their way inside, and Harry's eyes had adjusted, he could see they were in a small circular room, that had no visible windows, and only the door, which had now disappeared, once again becoming a wall. Harry naturally looked up towards the source of the light and at the top of this tall, almost church like room was a glass roof, which was letting sunlight stream into the room at an almost unnatural pace. 

When Harry finally looked down and across at Molly she had sat down on a dark wooden circular bench, which stretched across half of the rooms wall. It had squashy cushions and even though it was very much a bench it still looked inviting. There was nothing else in the room that Harry could see. At Molly's request to sit down he crossed the small floor, which he noticed was an intricately marbled pattern of dots and squiggles. This room felt very out of place in the Burrow, if indeed thats where they still were. 

Once seated, Molly smiled at him, and asked him

“Are you ready?”

Of course Harry was ready, or so he thought. As he nodded, a circle in the marble floor appeared and segments started to disappear to reveal something that was making its way up into the room. As soon as it was half way up Harry recognised it at once. 

“Is that? No, it can’t be? Did Dumbeldore..?”

Molly finished Harry's half started sentences for him.

“Yes Harry, it's a pensieve, but it's not Dumbeldores. However, he did give me this one, he had two, not that anyone knew that of course. He believed in me and my idea, and told me that one day I may need to help someone. At his request I have spent my time working on my ideas in secret, with his help of course.”

Molly opened her cloak and pulled out from inside a pocket a small wooden chest. She tapped it with her wand and it popped open to reveal a collection of small vials containing silvery liquid that Harry recognised at once. She pulled one out of the collection. It was labelled James Potter. 

“Harry?” Molly asked.

“Are you ready to understand your past? Are you ready to relieve all those painful memories? 

Molly reached over, grabbed Harry's hand and with her other hand tipped the vials contents into the pensieve and they plunged themselves forwards into the past.  

self closing Mask pocket tutorial

This fits my mask in and is safe enough for it not to fall out. It means I can safely put my mask away when I am out and about.

You can use either 5 2in x 5in scraps or a piece of fabric 10in x5 in. 

If you are using scraps, sew them together to create a piece of fabric 10in x 5 in

Hem each end of the strip of fabric. 

Then fold the top 2 inches over the second 2 inches.

And then fold the rest of the fabric in half, so you should have 2 panels on each side with the top one in the middle. Then sew each side together. 

The folded over piece of fabric should be inside, sewn within the seam. 

Now turn inside out (or rightside in!)

To finish, sew each side again to neaten it up. 

pop a mask into the pocket...

and close!

 

Toilets are not safe spaces

Once again the issue of public toilets is in the news, this time in context of trans rights and the gender recognition act reforms.  https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/boris-johnson-transgender-trans-gender-recognition-act-a9565341.html

Not only that JK Rowling has also been making comments, supposedly on a platform of being a survivor in need of safe spaces, particularly those that are designed for differently gendered people to use. 

This brings up the issue of public toilets, as people often wrongly assume that they are "safe" spaces for either "women" or "men" to use. Let me be very clear. They are not. The signs on the toilet doors do not work like the magic staircase in Hogwarts that stops boys from entering the girls dormitory. Men can enter women's' toilets, and women can go into the men's. It is not logical to assume that these spaces are safe, as they are self policing and in some ways designed better for the group of people who are depicted on the front of the door. 

I live my life as a survivor. My brain is hardwired, the same as everyone elses to protect itself from threats. Those things that are deemed a threat are based on both knowledge and experience and a mix of the two. Sorry I am not scientific, this is just my basic knowledge. When my brain sees a male presenting person who it doesn't, it automatically categorizes them as a threat. I then have to bring my thinking brain into the equation to say, hey, hang on a minute, that's not fair! Of course there are times when it is fair enough, and those instincts are right and are listened too. Those times are almost exclusively when I find myself in a private space with a strange male on our own. This could be a lift, a toilet, at my house, or even if they happen to sit next to me on the bus. 

This doesn't make me sexist, or transphobic. This just makes me a survivor who has had experiences that mean that my brain struggles to differentiate between a threat and not a threat, and it is on a higher and perhaps different state of alert to other people.

So, bringing this back to toilets and who is and isn't "allowed" in them. As I have said, its a smokescreen. It is not and never should be about who owns the right to use a toilet. It should be about making public toilets safer for all users, regardless of gender, sex, age, race, disability, sexual orientation and any other factors. 

The biggest issue is in the design of a public space that is a quasi private space. People become confused about its status and function. If a public toilet is to be safe, then it needs to be redesigned completely. This is starting to happen in schools, where toilets are located along a corridor with individual cubicles. There are other options out there, both in use and in peoples minds. Now, ironically is the ideal time to re think these spaces. With the global pandemic requiring us to avoid enclosed public/private spaces with strangers, toilets are becoming much safer places to be, as the rules become one in and one out. Perhaps things might change now, so that it can be safer for everyone, and not just because of Covid-19. 

 

Bob versus the virus

Bob woke up and went to give his Mummy a cuddle. He did this every morning before school.

This was Bobs second day of home school. School had finished early this year because of a virus that made people poorly.

When Bob cuddled up to his Mummy she said that things had changed AGAIN!

She said that the world was feeling very poorly and needed to rest for a while before we could all go out and play again.

This made Bob feel sad.

He asked his Mummy what we were doing to help the world feel better? He was worried that leaving it alone would only make it lonely.

His Mummy told him that the best thing for the world was to rest for a while.
But this didn’t make Bob feel any happier.

Bob loved to make people feel better, and he loved to invent things!

He ran to his room and started to think of all the things that made him feel better when he was poorly.
Sometimes his Mummy made him drink yucky medicine, which made him feel better. He wasn’t sure if the world had a mouth though, so he carried on thinking.

His Mummy always gave him hugs when he felt poorly and that made him feel safe and loved.
What could he invent to give the world a hug?

He drew in his inventing book a picture of some giant hands, big enough to hug the world. They would need to be powered by gigantic rockets in space.

This could work!

But then he remembered how squished he felt when he was hugged and he wasn’t sure if the people on Earth would like being squished by giant hands.

He turned over the page in his inventing book.

There must be something he could do to make the world feel better!

It was lunch time, so Bob ate and did some more thinking.

Bob remembered how much much he enjoyed being tucked into bed with a cosy blanket and his favourite teddy when he was poorly.

He got drawing and invented the biggest blanket for the world. He would have to get all the Grandmas knitting, it was going to be huge!

But then he remembered that the world needed the Sun to live, and even though some of the world was always dark, it was never for very long. Bob didn’t think that the world would want to be covered in a giant blanket all of the time.

Bob had spent all day inventing and thinking and hadn’t come up with anything!
This made Bob feel very sad.

As Bob went to sleep he hoped that the next day he would think of an invention to make the world feel better.

The next morning, Bob had another brilliant idea!

Since the virus that was making everyone and the world poorly started, his Mummy had told him that he must wash his hands with soap and water, as it made the virus go away!

Bob decided to invent the biggest bar of soap in the world so that the world could get better!
He ran to the bathroom to get a bar of soap so he could think of how to make it bigger.

Bob remembered he had seen on a TV show a super cool gadget that could make things grow bigger!
Bob spent all morning drawing and thinking, trying to invent a gadget, but it couldn’t.

This made Bob feel very sad.

At lunch time Bob asked his Mummy how soap was made. She said that you need a mould, which holds the liquid soap until it sets hard.

After lunch Bob tried to invent a giant mould to make a giant bar of soap. Then he thought of a really clever idea!

Bob decided that he could take the roof off the biggest building in the world and use it to make the soap with.

But there was a problem. Once the soap set, Bob would need to break the building apart to get to the soap. He didn’t think anyone would be happy with that idea.

This made Bob feel sad. But Bob did not give up.

The next day after another good night's sleep, he had yet another brilliant idea!

His Mummy used other things to clean the house with apart from soap and water!

Bob wasn't allowed to use the dangerous cleaning things, but he loved using the broom to sweep the floor with.

Bob rushed to find the broom and took it upstairs to his inventing desk.

The broom had a long wooden handle, and soft brown plastic bristles at the end. Bob drew it very carefully in his book.

The broom would need to be HUGE if it was going to sweep the virus away from the world.

Bob had to think very hard about how to make a giant wooden broom. Then Bob remembered that the trees in the forest were also made of wood!

He could go to the forest and find the biggest, tallest tree, chop it down and use it as his broom handle.
But there was a problem.

Bob thought the world would get very sad if he chopped down a tree that had been growing for years and years. He thought of all the time the world had spent looking after the trees, watering and feeding them until they grew big and strong.

Bob didn’t want anyone else to feel as sad as he was, and he thought that the world must be feeling pretty sad already if it was feeling poorly.

At lunchtime Bobs’ Mummy decided that Bob should stop trying to invent a way for the world to feel better. She set him a new inventing challenge.

That afternoon, Bob was very busy inventing. This time, he couldn’t find any problems with his ideas.
This made Bob feel very happy.

When Bob had finished drawing out his inventions he proudly showed his Mummy the ideas that he had. At the top of the page was the title

Inventions to make Bob happy

Bob had designed an ice cream making machine, a football machine and a TV watching machine.
The next morning Bob and his Mummy spent time playing football together. In the afternoon they sat and watched TV with a bowl of icecream to share.

This made Bob (and his Mummy) very happy indeed.

Traumatic times

In the last few days there have been several references and comparisons made to being at war, and how this government has to respond as a war time government would. Until I read this thread (contains swearing) on twitter  link to thread I hadn’t made the connection to our own personal response to the situation. I have experienced trauma based mental health problems for a number of years, and as part of my recovery and healing I have done a lot of research into this area.

I can now see trauma in people’s behaviour, actions and reactions. I can see it in my own reactions. It is pretty common knowledge how many soldiers experience trauma during war, so it’s not a big stretch to see how we as untrained and unprepared civilians are going to be experiencing traumatic reactions to our attempts at fighting the pandemic caused by corona virus (Covid-19).

People who are panic buying are reacting to their bodily response to trauma inflicted upon it. It goes back to our caveman instincts of hunting and gathering for survival. It’s not that people are being selfish or not thinking of others, it’s just that they are not thinking at all. There are people who are carrying on as normal which is another traumatic response, one of denying the trauma even exists. These are not thought through reactions but automatic responses to traumatic events.

You may be experiencing some really weird stuff going on in your bodies right now, but that’s because our bodies are set up for protecting us from danger. Right now, as the news gets worse and the impact is being felt our brains have effectively rung the fire alarm. When this happens, our logical thinking brain shuts down and all the brains power is focused on fighting the fire or the trauma. This part of our brain doesn’t think, it reacts. It is designed for our survival and means we can quickly reacting to a situation without thinking slowing us down. It is completely natural for this to be an exhausting time for you, as your brains are working overtime trying to process the information and protect you from threats and trauma. Not only that, there are physical symptoms of trauma that our bodies display. Our whole body is under stress and it may struggle to cope.

It is very difficult to convince our automatic response to the situation to switch off and that everything is OK, when there are clear signs it’s not. When you can’t convince your brain you’re not experiencing trauma, you can at least remind it that it’s not all traumatic. There are things we can do, to at least dampen the effects of the trauma on us and those around us.

Keeping your thinking brain active with something simple, proactive and positive stops it thinking negatively and quietens the fire alarm. Planning activities to do, playing board games, planning food, writing, drawing and similar activities are good distractions for your brain to focus on and to keep it feeling calmer. If you are finding that something specific is worrying you, then trying to find a positive solution to that worry can keep your mind thinking rather than reacting with panic. For example if you are worried about the food situation, going shopping in your kitchen and thinking of what meals you can make with what you have in stock may just surprise you. It also means you can be more focused if you do need to go shopping on what you are missing to make a meal. If you are wanting to carry on as you normally would, which might seem like a good idea, it is important to gently nudge your brain into reality. Your brain is protecting you from being completely overwhelmed with what is really happening which is really great. . If you are struggling to cope with the situation and feeling helpless, the positive response is exactly the same. Balance your consumption of the news with other news. Restrict yourself to a short exposure. If your brain needs nudging into or out of reality then filtering that reality makes it easier to process.

You can also use a technique known as grounding. It is a process of re attaching your body to reality, which in this situation means the good bits, the stuff that isn’t traumatic and scary.

Thankfully this is a pretty easy process. You don’t have to look far to find something positive. Look to the people around you, perhaps out to nature and how spring is still happening regardless. Grounding encourages us to focus on engaging our senses. I have always found that I associate certain songs with happy memories, or the taste of something makes me feel better. If you struggle with this it may be worth gathering some things together to create a grounding kit that can help you when things get overwhelming. Preparing a music playlist, some tv or films to watch, things to eat, smell or touch also provides your thinking brain with a task to focus on that is both positive and distracting.

As we face an uncertain future away from familiar routines and freedom we need to be gentle on ourselves and the people around us as we try to navigate it. Acknowledging that this is traumatic for everyone is an important step to take. There is a wealth of information on the internet about trauma and our reactions to traumatic experiences if you want to look into it further (again, a task for our thinking brains).

Remember though, that our  thinking brains are going to be impaired at the moment. However, it is even more important that our brains are provided with stimulus to keep them active, even if it is difficult. Reducing our expectations, rather than not having any at all may seem tough, but it will allow our brains to switch off or at least reduce the noise of the fire alarm and panic, even for a little bit.

Recognising the situation is traumatic reduces the expectations on everyone to function normally. It allows for everyone to be scared, and to be able to talk about it. It also provides an opportunity to try and reduce the longer term impact of this experience on us. We can start to do this by connecting with other people. The ideal connection would be physical, but connecting with each other online is still essential for our long term mental health. Search out like minded people, spend time every day chatting to someone, either on the phone or the internet. Getting to know people during this difficult time can make a positive difference to you and the person your connecting and reaching out to.

We can provide each other with an anchor in this stormy sea whilst we ride out the storm. Knowing that we are not going through this alone will strengthen our ability to cope with the storm The storm will end, and we will heal together, by continuing to anchor each other against the trauma and its effects on us.

Does feeling more connected to nature lead us to be more connected overall?

I often battle with a feeling of disconnection. From life, from people, from everything really. However, since starting to think about nature in a completely different way and becoming  more connected to it, I have also noticed that I have become a more connected person in other areas of my life.

Nature to me was always this big thing that happened "out there", in the countryside, and in a forest or a wood. It was something you went to, and something that you did intentionally. However, since starting to notice natural elements in my day to day life, and feeling that these fragmented elements of nature are also an equally valid representation of, and a big part of nature I have changed my mindset.

Now, even on a cold grey morning when I go on the bus into town or just walking round town. Even when I am sitting at my computer with the crack of my curtain open, I notice the colour of the sky, how the temperature is making me feel. I notice the art work that some people call graffitti that lights up dank alleyways. I notice the cracks in the pavement that have little bits of green in them.

I have even started to appreciate the seasons more. I dont think December is an easy month, as it feels cold and unwelcoming. However this is part of life, and an important one, as it allows animals to rest, and vegetation a chance to re generate and re new. The darkness of december makes me appreciate the summer more.  It makes me notice the contrast in the trees and the colours that are around.

This connection that I feel now to nature is creeping into other areas. It is the idea that it does not matter if it is a single leaf or a forest of trees, that it still counts and still matters means so much. It means that the little things that I can do every day do make a difference and it is worth trying. The fragments of connections are worth collecting, curating and reflecting on. They are an important part of my story, and an important part of my journey through darkness and mental health difficulties.

The bridge that connects both of these things together for me is my creativity. I can express what is on the inside in so many different ways, and use creative outlets to process how I am feeling. I am using words and images to connect with myself and connect with nature.

I was watching this film earlier, it wasnt very good (which seems to be a habit of mine) aside from this one quote which I leave here:

Each painting is different, whether its good or bad it means something to the person painting it.

They choose the colour they chose the brush, and the way that brush touches the canvas and leaves a mark. Its like they are leaving a mark with their voice and their heart.

Kat Abernathy colour me you.

Ugh

I hate myself sometimes. Ok, most of the time. That's not to be pitied, but something that's fact and something I fight against.

And fighting is hard. I know I struggle a lot with day to day stuff but I still give this pretense of functioning across which is a protective barrier to hide behind.

When reality clashes with my fairytale life, when I am so bluntly exposed to the fact that I am ill and that even the simplest thing of going to a course that I love every week is a challenge, and one that I keep failing at I get embarrassed at myself, at my weakness. So then I get even more upset and make myself worse, because not only did I not go to the course but I didn't go because I couldn't face it.

And I think that even the fact that when I do go I scare myself at how my mind ends up on paper, drawn, written, in such a way that I am actually happy with it. When I struggle so much with self esteem it is so hard to take pride in my work and there is so much shame attached to it.

So here I am, making myself vunerable, because if I don't then I won't go back, and I love the course, and the people and I hate myself for missing it.

When self care isnt so caring..

I have been thinking alot over the last few days about how I can look after myself better. I thought I would start, as it seems where I always start when faced with a problem, or when looking for a solution by analysis. I can then hopefully work out what I can do better, and what I am currently doing thats not so good.

So, I started a diary, and in that diary, I had some things to note about the day. Things I do for myself, things I do for others, things I do for my child, for the house and things that I do that are not so good. I noticed, as I think most people do, my life is pretty out of balance when it comes to doing things for myself in comparison to things I do for other people.

Something I have started to do for myself is to turn off the internet and the computer when I go to sleep. I have noticed that it is a really important thing to do, as it means when I wake up in the morning I am putting myself first, having breakfast, reading a book etc. before even thinking about emails or anything on the internet.

However, what I am also noticing, especially today, which has always been a "blah" day, is how there are things that I am noticing that I do in the name of "self care" that aren't actually caring for myself, when I look at it analytically. Spending all day asleep is disrupting my sleep patterns and is not good for self care, I could find other things that are relaxing to do that would be much better, like having a bath, or reading. I got a take away tonight, again thinking this is a good "self care" activity. However, its not really, because its not healthy, so not looking after my body, and it also means I haven't eaten very much during the day.

I find this process really revealing, and tomorrow I am determined to be more self aware of what I do in the name of self care, to make sure it is actually caring, and improving my overall health and outlook on life.

My PIP assessment

I had my PIP assessment a few weeks ago now. I requested the report of the assessment as soon as I could, and it is only now I feel able to share what it says, as it has taken me this time to process, "accept" and understand what it says.

Firstly, as far as these reports go, this one was pretty accurate. It recorded with about 90% accuracy what I said at the interview. The problems start with how those things were interpreted in context to the evidence I provided and the evidence the assessor had to hand.

My PIP claim was a renewal claim, previously won at appeal. The questionnaire was filled in, as one would expect, based on my current award of PIP, which I received at appeal. Simple, right? Well no, it seems not. The assessor doesn't seem to have access to this information, and somehow (which is very odd when you think about it) thought that I was renewing a zero claim for PIP after 2 years. Thats right, when the renewal form asks if there has been any change in my condition, and the response was no, the assessor has referenced this to my last PIP report (a zero score one) and not my appeal result (a 13 point one). So therefore, according to the assessment report, I have no functional difficulties, because I reported no changes to my no functional difficulties last time. Completely missing out the 6 months of anguish and pain I suffered to take it to appeal, gather additional evidence and win my appeal.

Not only that, a piece of medical evidence that I provided, both for this claim and my appeal, states clearly that psychotherapy is the treatment of choice for my condition. Now, cleverly, the assessor has managed to turn this evidence against me stating that although I am receiving psychotherapy it is not medically indicated as per my medical evidence. Huh, you may say, huh indeed. This is where it may get complicated for those who may not have a grasp of basic English language (no offence intended). What my medical evidence states, which is a letter written by an NHS consultant is that as I am already in receipt of privately funded psychotherapy, this is more suitable for my needs, as it is long term and any NHS psychotherapy they can offer is relatively short term in comparison, therefore it is a discharge from NHS provision back to my private psychotherapy, WITH THE NHS CONSULTANTS full support.

It really feels like they are scraping around trying to find any reason at all to deny people PIP, and those reasons above are really shockingly bad. I have written to the DWP, as thankfully there is at least a 6 week delay in them processing assessments. I hope that the DWP consider very carefully my letter. Because it truely is ridiculous.

Jay, I cared

Tw: sucide and drugs/alcohol

Its the 4th August 2018. I lose track of the years, but this day is the anniversary of my friends death. She died thinking no-one cared about her, and I try to make sure no one else dies thinking that.

Jay was 17, I met her at college, full of ambition and life. She opened my eyes to a whole new world (if you went to a nightclub when it opened the bouncers weren't there yet). I tried to get her through college. My proudest moment was when she went to an exam, because of me and my persistence. We were the only 2 people that could answer what an advocate was, because of our experience in "the system".

She wanted to be a DJ, or a social worker, because she could do better than the social workers who had worked with her. Jay had a difficult life. She lived in the foyer, a local shelter for young people. She had problems with drugs and alcohol. 

She had an overdose that year, it was when I walked away from her life. I was the only sober person that night who was able to get an ambulance and save her. She wanted me to lie, tell everyone her drink had been spiked. I couldn't do that, one of the hardest decisions I made. I had hoped it would shake her into going straight, but it didn't.

The day I got my a level results was the day I found out she had gone. 

Now, there is hope, because of her. Now, there are people who patrol beachy head to show people they care. They started a year after she went. They have reduced suicide there significantly. Just by showing people that someone cares.

Please, today, tell someone you care about them. Tell them before they're gone they are loved and they'll be missed if they go. Don't wait til it's too late. Reach out now. 

This is an article written about what happened.

http://www.eastbourneherald.co.uk/news/local/tragedy-of-a-lonely-teenager-who-nobody-cared-about-1-1436413 

TRAGEDY OF A LONELY TEENAGER WHO NOBODY CARED ABOUT

Published on the  12  February 2004 12:39

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HORRIFIED witnesses saw a 17-year-old girl throw herself off Beachy Head after telling them that 'nobody cared'.

Jazamin Richardson, known as Jay, was spotted sitting on the edge of the 500ft drop and swigging out of a Coke bottle.

Student  Kate Marshall, one of a group of friends who were having a picnic at  the beauty spot on August 3, tried to talk Jay out of jumping and asked  her friends to call the police.

But Jay told the officers, who raced to the scene, that she was going to have one last drag of her cigarette and then jump.

'I became aware of somebody sitting on the edge,' Miss Marshall told the Eastbourne inquest.

'She was sitting and then standing up then sitting very close to the edge of the cliff.

'She seemed to be drunk. She looked like she was going to jump. We called our friends and asked them to call the police.'

Miss Marshall then approached Jay, who lived at the Eastbourne Foyer before being admitted to hospital, and talked to her.

'I  did not ask her why, I asked her where she was from. She said she had  escaped from the hospital in Eastbourne the night before.

'She reached into her jacket and got some cigarettes.

'I asked if I could have one and I asked her to come and smoke one with us.

'She said no, but she did throw the cigarettes back to me.

'I was turning round to get a light from a passerby and Craig came up with the police.

'She kept saying she wanted to jump. We kept saying - please don't do it. She was saying that nobody cared.'

Jay then said she was going to take one last drag of her cigarette and then jump.

PC  Sasha Coote, who had just arrived at the scene, begged the teenager not  to jump, but she turned to face the drop and then stepped off.

PC  Coote's colleague PC Derrick Wood told the inquest that when he arrived  at the cliff, Miss Marshall was lying down on the edge talking to Jay.

'Jay was standing right on the edge. I asked people to move away.

'I stepped away to use my radio, which took a little bit of time.

'Jay's speech was slurred and she was extremely distressed.

'She was willing to talk to PC Coote but not willing to move away from the edge.

'She said she was going to jump, no matter what she said. She seemed really concerned that we get people away from her.

'She then turned so she faced the sea, lifted her arms up and stepped off.'

Coroner  Alan Craze recorded a verdict of suicide and added, 'In this case it  was observed by a large number of people, none of which were in any  doubt.'

Friends had thought Jay had turned her life around at the Eastbourne Foyer, in St Leonards Road.

She  had plans to become a DJ and was taking her GCSEs at Park College. The  Herald interviewed Jay a year ago, when she had been living at the Foyer  for six months after family problems caused her to leave home.

She had completed a Prince's Trust scheme, joined Park College and was full of plans for the future.

Staff and residents at the Foyer were deeply distressed to hear of Jay's death.

A  spokesperson said at the time, 'Until recently, Jay had lived at the  Eastbourne Foyer and during that time had been a proactive member of the  Foyer community.

'In the early part of the year Jay had  been involved in a photography project run by the Foyer and a poster  featuring Jay was chosen as the poster image for a national conference  preventing youth homelessness held in May.

'Jay will be sadly missed by the residents and staff that she had befriended during her time at the Foyer.'